I don't know if it's SI or plain laziness, but it's been difficult for me to actually cbt when I have everything ready. I live with my parents so I must do it when they're asleep. Every night when I'm about to do it, even when I'm wide awake, I'm like "I'll do it tomorrow". I feel that strange unwillingness which is new to me. I tried to cbt 3 years ago via the same setting at the same time of day, and I had no mental difficulty committing to the deed. This is because back then I was motivated by fear, because I was ostracized in school, only failed because the rope broke and left a mark that remained visible months after. Now, out of high school, I no longer have that fear, but it doesn't stop my life from being complete hell. The consequence of my laziness/SI is to live everyday in deep regret of not killing myself the night prior. I still feel anger, despair, intense sadness but rarely fear. Fear is the missing motivation. I'm not as motivated to cbt as I used to but life is too painful. I still put all the tools together every night but I retreat when it comes to carrying it out; I can't change the time of day I do it either because my parents never leave the house during the day.
What should I even do? I'm such a coward. I really want and need to cbt. This laziness/SI is clouding my judgement and tormenting me with being alive.
Rereading this and realized I'm sounding like a whiny bitch so I should probably stop. Any tips on overcoming laziness/SI will be greatly appreciated...
What should I even do? I'm such a coward. I really want and need to cbt. This laziness/SI is clouding my judgement and tormenting me with being alive.
Rereading this and realized I'm sounding like a whiny bitch so I should probably stop. Any tips on overcoming laziness/SI will be greatly appreciated...
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