Venting Late asd diagnosis. I was treated like shit for no good reason.

[itbelikethat]

After looking at my life through the lense of having asd, I'm struggling to cope with my past.

All the times I had been alienated, all the times I had been bullied, all the times I've had a breakdown.

All that time i spent confused and lost, like I was forgotten and abandoned, or not worthy of support that most people should and would receive.

All the people that used me, or thought lesser of me, all the times I've spent questioning what was wrong with me.

All the energy I spent trying to appease everyone around me, in hopes that they would stay.

I'm lost, I'm angry, I'm sad, and im regretful, I don't know how I'm going to be able to go on. My main motivation in life was to prove myself and everyone wrong, to become the kinda guy that people flock around, to begin a career I could thrive in. But in a way all the negative shit is proven right AND wrong.

I WAS different, I WAS difficult to be around, and I DID have difficulty understanding everything because I WAS different.

But, I also didn't deserve to feel the way I did, to feel so wrong about every facet of my being, I should have been told why I was different, and I should have been taught to love myself.

I could at least mask, but now even that seems more difficult. I don't know what to do, and im not sure I even want to try anymore.

 

[timf]

Years ago I had read about a guy in Japan who had a rough life. He had been fired from many jobs for being an alcoholic. It was only after decades that it was discovered he had a bacteria in his gut that turned carbohydrates into alcohol. As a result he always was drunk after eating carbs for lunch.

Being able to understand how you are wired can do wonders in selecting work and leisure environments better suited to your particular preferences. Sometimes finding out about ourselves requires us to adjust our ambitions. For example wanting to be popular may not be a workable objective if one dislikes being around people.

Sometimes small adjustments can be workable. For example, if someone finds that they are not very much welcome in an after work drinking environment, they may switch to doing after work volunteer work. The focus of some task can often make a social environment more accepting.

 

[foggyskies_]

I'm so sorry about all you went through. Learning self forgiveness and ditching the internalized ableism takes years. It's hard, but you'll get there. I'm still not quite there myself, haha!

There's a phenomenon called Autistic Burnout where your brain becomes so exhausted after years of masking that you can't go on anymore. Looking into that might help you find some relief, even if small.