Killing my old self

[GhostInTheMachine]

This one's for the trans folks here. I still struggle with trying to mentally erase my deadname from my memory. Obviously that's a bit of an unrealistic goal, but it's something that's tortured me for a while. I often have dreams/nightmares in which other's or even myself use my deadname. Even in my waking hours I tend to misgender myself and while I've gotten better with my not deadnaming myself, when I imagine certain other's talking about me (especially my parents), I imagine them using my deadname. I very rarely dream of myself as how I want to see myself, and instead only ever see what I used to be.

Granted, my transition has not been satisfactory, but I do not think my dreams are representative of what I realistically am now.

 

[glasshammer]

nobody has the right to tell you who you are other than yourself, and someone who wouldn't take the time to recognise you by your new, real name is neither family nor a friend.

and a "satisfactory" transition isn't a thing, it's a journey that you've embarked on that isn't at its destination yet. keep fighting to be the person you are, and you'll meet people who love and admire your attitude.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Thank you for your reply. I wish I could agree with it though. This "journey" isn't really showing my that it's destination is worth the travel. I've fought a while now. I've made it pretty far, and I'm still not the person I am. I have many who love and admire me, but does that matter if I can't do it for myself?