Ketamine Therapy

[boilingfishcakes]

I started Ketamine Therapy last week. I don't know anyone else who has done this kind of treatment. Just want to know people's thoughts, experiences, or any advices for this type of treatment. I know there are multiple methods to administer it. I'm taking sublingual tablets (around 500 mg total) in a therapists office and I just talk to them while I am under the influence. For far it has helped me feel a bit better. I haven't done this enough to really speak on its overall efficacy though.

I'll write a little about why I was put on it below:

Spoiler: Backstory

My entire life I have been very depressed, and I have been hospitalized over 20 different times due to my mental illness. I was even in residential for 13 months before getting kicked out. I have tried dozens of medications and none of them have helped me at all. If anything, the side effects just made it all worse for me. Being unmediated was bad, but I didn't want to deal with the side effects of a medication that straight up didn't work. Being "drugged up" felt miserable. Talk therapy didn't really work for me either. It felt like I had to perform for the therapist, lest I get locked up again. I've been dealing with suicidal ideation since I was 9 years old. Once as a child, I took a lot of benadryl and tied a plastic bag around my head in hopes that I would suffocate in my sleep. My brother caught me and made me take the bag off or he would tell our parents. I would go on to attempt suicide many more times. Substance abuse was a good distraction at first, but that comes with its own issues. I also struggle badly with self harm because it's easier to deal with a physical manifestation of my pain instead of mental despair. I also struggle 24/7 with terrible intrusive thoughts of me harming myself and it's hard to resist them.

Spoiler: The experience and aftermath

This year my husband begged me to go back to therapy again so I caved in so he would stop nagging me about it. After the 2nd session my therapist suggested ketamine therapy. I signed up for it, did the consultation, paid the fees, and got the medication in the mail. At first I was very nervous to try it. The idea of "losing control" of myself around another person terrified me for some reason. I took the tablets, and let them dissolve in my mouth. Tasted pretty terrible. Had to hold them in my mouth and swish it around for 10 minutes before spitting everything out. At first it just felt the way taking too may edibles felt, but them I got quite nauseous lol . I talked to my therapist and I think I talked more during those 2 hours than I did that entire week. It was strange. Afterwards, I had a cracking headache and slept for the rest of the day.

The next day was quite strange. For once, I felt motivated to go outside. I went to the store and had a conversation with the cashier. Can't remember the last time I actually was able to maintain eye contact with someone. It felt pretty good. I didn't have any intrusive thoughts that day, or the day after that. I had the energy to clean, shower, and go grocery shopping all in one day instead of spending it all in bed on my phone like usual. The "good feeling" is wearing off slowly and I am terrified of ending back in the sorry state I was in before I did the session. Yesterday a lot of thoughts and feelings I was repressing hard came back to me and I cried a little bit. I was able to write how I felt and connected the dots for my past behaviors which was interesting. Usually I just shove it in the back of my head lol.

So far the side effects aren't too bad. It gave me a bad headache the day of the session, and I have almost no appetite. Even days after the session. Had to smoke some weed so I could eat last night. Other than that, I feel like it helped me a little. Definitely no silver bullet though. What are your thoughts? Has anyone else had similar or different experiences?