SoulWhisperer
Broken Artist Ā« ā¤ļøāš©¹ Ā»
- Nov 13, 2023
- 584
Back for another update, making this as it's a key part of my journey towards the end.
Foreword: We cannot predict the future, and sometimes even our own thoughts and emotions can be unclear to us, you may end up saying something and strongly believe it, then discover down the line that the truth was another. Incoherence is a part of the human experience, not everything is always clear to us, and not always is what we believe and predict true, no matter how strongly we may believe in it at a given time. So for those people I say: do not judge them harshly; not always is ill will behind things, and not always everything is clear.
PS: The foreword is unrelated to the post underneath, it's a little something I wanted to add, that maybe I'll explain to those curious to hear about it. Take it how you will for now. (I know this post feels like a fictional story of a storyteller by the way I recounted it, but I truly have no emotion about this so I had to find something to replace it, such as an artificially more nuanced way to narrate it, without altering the truth however. I just feel the need to have important parts of my life written down, so they become undying and eternal pieces that attest to my struggles. In a nutshell: a diary)
Undisclosed recent point in time: I was informed by appropriate figures that nothing is wrong with my family. That everything is normal, and that what I experienced is what everyone has experienced, it so seems. The abuse is "not real", and everything is fine. Is what I've been told. As everything was closed down.
Mind you, the whole reason my life has fell down, that I had to go here, that I've lost all interest and spark of life, that I no longer desire to do things, to experience; is because of them. My very own family and relatives, but most specifically my parents.
They're the ones who ruined my life firsthand by never believing in me, by always insulting me and calling me names, by making fun of me for my errors, by never supporting any idea of mine unless it brings direct benefit to them, by assaulting me in more than one occasion, by instilling in me a perennial anxiety, by DENYING my VRRY IDENTITY treating it like some unimportant things (Fellow trans people can understand what this means in some occasions).
My parents liberated me of any intention towards self-improvement in life and learning and dreaming and having ambitions. They took it all from me and on top of that they claimed to always be right, that I was the wrong one for struggling.
For years on end as I grew up through my teen years I've heard people say to go to therapy, and to report this as it clearly wasn't healthy nor normal. It took me years to do both and for what?
Just to be told "it's all in your head".
I have gone through hell and beyond to gather myself and do this, in prayers someone will do something, anything to stop those monsters of human beings and put an end to the atrocity. Bringing life to this world just to torture it, what is more selfish than this, I say?
And so be it. I was "wrong". But being "wrong" does not erase how it feels, it does not undo the pain, the trauma. It does NOT any of that. I still suffer, and greatly. However success or not, towards the end I would have marched either way. The damage has already been done, long and long ago. I just wished for some "justice", but it would be a joke to assume "justice" in this world merely because someone has been wronged. Any person reading this, who may have had a specifically negative past; just because of that fact, it does not mean that a mighty hand of "justice" will come balance things out. Once again: no fairy tales. A small part of me tells me I was foolish to even try.
But regardless, here we are. And regret for this is not something I feel. I don't believe in the "you miss all the shots you don't take" thing, as a rule of mine. Trying or not trying something, I won't hold hard feelings about it most of the time.
What remains is that those beasts will continue their reign of terror, and continue to destroy the souls of those who were born by them, and they're not few.
I'm not mad here and now, I wasn't even when I was told this. I'm just disappointed. In everything and in general.
I'm sorry for anyone who has gone through an ordeal akin to mine, life isn't really truly fair, to anyone...
With that being said: I'll march forward, in the path I decided, with the means and companionship I forged; and I will allow no one to judge me for this decision.
"Life" is really truly a joke.
Foreword: We cannot predict the future, and sometimes even our own thoughts and emotions can be unclear to us, you may end up saying something and strongly believe it, then discover down the line that the truth was another. Incoherence is a part of the human experience, not everything is always clear to us, and not always is what we believe and predict true, no matter how strongly we may believe in it at a given time. So for those people I say: do not judge them harshly; not always is ill will behind things, and not always everything is clear.
PS: The foreword is unrelated to the post underneath, it's a little something I wanted to add, that maybe I'll explain to those curious to hear about it. Take it how you will for now. (I know this post feels like a fictional story of a storyteller by the way I recounted it, but I truly have no emotion about this so I had to find something to replace it, such as an artificially more nuanced way to narrate it, without altering the truth however. I just feel the need to have important parts of my life written down, so they become undying and eternal pieces that attest to my struggles. In a nutshell: a diary)
Undisclosed recent point in time: I was informed by appropriate figures that nothing is wrong with my family. That everything is normal, and that what I experienced is what everyone has experienced, it so seems. The abuse is "not real", and everything is fine. Is what I've been told. As everything was closed down.
Mind you, the whole reason my life has fell down, that I had to go here, that I've lost all interest and spark of life, that I no longer desire to do things, to experience; is because of them. My very own family and relatives, but most specifically my parents.
They're the ones who ruined my life firsthand by never believing in me, by always insulting me and calling me names, by making fun of me for my errors, by never supporting any idea of mine unless it brings direct benefit to them, by assaulting me in more than one occasion, by instilling in me a perennial anxiety, by DENYING my VRRY IDENTITY treating it like some unimportant things (Fellow trans people can understand what this means in some occasions).
My parents liberated me of any intention towards self-improvement in life and learning and dreaming and having ambitions. They took it all from me and on top of that they claimed to always be right, that I was the wrong one for struggling.
For years on end as I grew up through my teen years I've heard people say to go to therapy, and to report this as it clearly wasn't healthy nor normal. It took me years to do both and for what?
Just to be told "it's all in your head".
I have gone through hell and beyond to gather myself and do this, in prayers someone will do something, anything to stop those monsters of human beings and put an end to the atrocity. Bringing life to this world just to torture it, what is more selfish than this, I say?
And so be it. I was "wrong". But being "wrong" does not erase how it feels, it does not undo the pain, the trauma. It does NOT any of that. I still suffer, and greatly. However success or not, towards the end I would have marched either way. The damage has already been done, long and long ago. I just wished for some "justice", but it would be a joke to assume "justice" in this world merely because someone has been wronged. Any person reading this, who may have had a specifically negative past; just because of that fact, it does not mean that a mighty hand of "justice" will come balance things out. Once again: no fairy tales. A small part of me tells me I was foolish to even try.
But regardless, here we are. And regret for this is not something I feel. I don't believe in the "you miss all the shots you don't take" thing, as a rule of mine. Trying or not trying something, I won't hold hard feelings about it most of the time.
What remains is that those beasts will continue their reign of terror, and continue to destroy the souls of those who were born by them, and they're not few.
I'm not mad here and now, I wasn't even when I was told this. I'm just disappointed. In everything and in general.
I'm sorry for anyone who has gone through an ordeal akin to mine, life isn't really truly fair, to anyone...
With that being said: I'll march forward, in the path I decided, with the means and companionship I forged; and I will allow no one to judge me for this decision.
"Life" is really truly a joke.
