coldcoldcold
Member
- Jun 29, 2020
- 10
i've been depressed for eight years and suicidal for six. i've attempted once, i took a bottle of ibuprofen and went to sleep but i woke up, nothing happened, and i've been fine ever since (this was when i first started feeling suicidal). i've come very very very close to going through with it but for some reason never have. it tends to get better then sneak up on me when i least expect it - i've been recovering from an eating disorder for nine months, things were really looking up, and suddenly my friend has a tumor and surgery on the 16 and they're not quite sure what it is. i've been trying to stay alive simply for him, but suicidal thoughts stop for no one and they've only gotten worse - i could get cancer (or whatever it is he has), or die in a car crash tomorrow, or get stabbed on a walk through the park. what's the harm in speeding up the process? and i'm so tired of being depressed - it's like i have a weight on me and it never quite goes away; at the same time it's like random waves of immobilizing sadness just hit me sometimes, and there's nothing to be done about them. i only have one friend, and he's my ex and he has a tumor and he barely talks to me anyway and he always acts all flirty or says something to keep me from getting upset by his lack of responses then he disappears again. he did this throughout our relationship too - he has every right to be unresponsive, and i'm not saying he doesn't, i'm just saying i'm fucking lonely. but i've never been good at making friends at all let alone ones who stick around for more than a month or two. and today i probably fucked something up with an acquaintance because i'm stupid and impulsive. my joints always hurt even though i'm young and i'm always exhausted no matter how much sleep i get - it's probably chronic fatigue but i can't afford to get diagnosed and i can't afford a wheelchair. i can't afford antidepressants or antipsychotics or anything else either. i'm just so tired of everything; i'm tired of being so tired and in pain all the time, so fucking sad, so scared of food, so alone, etc etc etc and not being able to tell anyone. i'm tired of hallucinations and always feeling like i'm losing my mind completely. therapy is expensive and if i tell anyone else in my life they'll either write me off or just grow tired of me eventually. it's easier to just get it over with but at the same time i'm scared i'll miss my chance for things to start looking up, or that someone will miss me, or that there won't be anyone to care for my cat, or that i'll miss out on something big. that will never happen, of course - i've had eight years to wait for it. i've tried to work for recovery again and again but i just end up in the same old spot again. i'm just so tired.
