Just received clear confirmation that everyone will be better off when I'm dead

[Chancerator]

I'm sorry if you clicked on this post. I don't even have the clarity or ability to articulate the problem. I'm shaking as we speak. I need to ctb tomorrow. I have the SN, the meto, and the prop. I will wait until tomorrow to start the process so I can ctb in a fasted state.

I tried so hard to be a good person. I tried so hard to create some beauty and goodness in the world. I tried so hard to stay alive for the ones that I love, but I am so broken that I only cause pain and anguish to everyone around me. I deserve to die. I have always deserved to die, and my heart goes out to all of you who feel similarly.

Sometimes I wonder if we are already in hell. Sure feels like it.

 

[tipsytiger]

I'm sorry if you clicked on this post. I don't even have the clarity or ability to articulate the problem. I'm shaking as we speak. I need to ctb tomorrow. I have the SN, the meto, and the prop. I will wait until tomorrow to start the process so I can ctb in a fasted state.

I tried so hard to be a good person. I tried so hard to create some beauty and goodness in the world. I tried so hard to stay alive for the ones that I love, but I am so broken that I only cause pain and anguish to everyone around me. I deserve to die. I have always deserved to die, and my heart goes out to all of you who feel similarly.

Sometimes I wonder if we are already in hell. Sure feels like it.

You don't have to be sorry about this. You truly are great for surviving this far, sometimes things might not be working out and it's okay.
I hope you can find peace in whatever you are going to do next.

 

[summers]

So what about removing yourself from their lives and getting yourself sorted? Sounds like the main issue is you feel like you're making your loved ones unhappy. Take some time away from them for yourself. You can always ctb if this plan doesn't work.

 

[hopeless302]

The world is a really big place. No matter how messed up you may think you are, I think there are people out there who will value the beauty and goodness you try to bring into the world. Sending you lots of strength, man. I hope you pull through.

 

[Funeralprincess]

I'm sorry if you clicked on this post. I don't even have the clarity or ability to articulate the problem. I'm shaking as we speak. I need to ctb tomorrow. I have the SN, the meto, and the prop. I will wait until tomorrow to start the process so I can ctb in a fasted state.

I tried so hard to be a good person. I tried so hard to create some beauty and goodness in the world. I tried so hard to stay alive for the ones that I love, but I am so broken that I only cause pain and anguish to everyone around me. I deserve to die. I have always deserved to die, and my heart goes out to all of you who feel similarly.

Sometimes I wonder if we are already in hell. Sure feels like it.

I feel this. Everyone will be better off when I'm dead too, but mostly I will be better off because I was just used mostly for different things. I have had clear confirmation of the same and THATS why when certain delusional people on this site or my naive psychiatrist try to say there's hope and people care, I just laugh because it's so far from true and they think lying to us is somehow helpful. They think because someone gave a shit about them that we all have that like no babes, some of us really are better off dead and our so called "loved ones" let us know that in many different ways when they communicate with us.
I'm sorry you have been given such confirmation. It's like, we already know we are a burden but when you get the confirmation I feel it makes it even easier to pursue suicide because there's nothing preventing you at that point; you have the answer and then it all becomes so clear, at least, that's what happened when I was given confirmation on it

 

[Chancerator]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I really need those thoughts right now. I don't know what to do. I believe that my spouse has been gaslighting me for years now. A therapist has helped to point out instances of emotional abuse, but I'm still not totally convinced. I know that I've dwindled into a shell of my former self, but I can't help but believe that I'm the problem. I can't help but think that I'm the one who has fucked everything up.

In the midst of it all, I made a gross miscalculation in my dealings with my spouse. I assumed that something he said recently was a lie/manipulation, but I was sorely mistaken. And it terms of mistakes, it was a fucking HUGE one. Idk, it feels like proof that I really AM the problem. Maybe I have merely manipulated my therapist into thinking that my husband is the problem? Maybe I am so broken that I don't even recognize my own delusions?

And honestly, even IF there really is emotional abuse in this relationship, it feels like I have little hope of getting out. Before I got married, I was making six figures with awesome health insurance. Now I have no job and few prospects. I've struggled with mental health issues for most of my life. I don't feel like I have any energy left to fight my way back to the surface.

At any rate, thanks for letting me vent.

I feel this. Everyone will be better off when I'm dead too, but mostly I will be better off because I was just used mostly for different things. I have had clear confirmation of the same and THATS why when certain delusional people on this site or my naive psychiatrist try to say there's hope and people care, I just laugh because it's so far from true and they think lying to us is somehow helpful. They think because someone gave a shit about them that we all have that like no babes, some of us really are better off dead and our so called "loved ones" let us know that in many different ways when they communicate with us.
I'm sorry you have been given such confirmation. It's like, we already know we are a burden but when you get the confirmation I feel it makes it even easier to pursue suicide because there's nothing preventing you at that point; you have the answer and then it all becomes so clear, at least, that's what happened when I was given confirmation on it

I so resonated with this, especially that second sentence. I thank you so much for writing to me so openly and candidly. My thoughts go out to you. (I wish I had something more thoughtful and affirming to say, but all I can think of is this: All of this sucks so hard, and I am so thankful that you made me feel a little less alone in the suckiness.)

 

[summers]

Before I got married, I was making six figures with awesome health insurance.

That you went from this to where you are now kind of indicates your husband may be the problem. He should have supported you to continue on a successful and fulfilling career path.

I do hope you can turn things around for yourself. You've done it before, no reason you can't again. Don't let others determine your worth or path in life, either they support you or get the hell out of your way.

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree that we are already in hell. After all we live in such a cruel world where so much pain exists. It sounds like you have suffered a lot. I wish you freedom.