Wanted Opioid
Drugged
- Sep 9, 2023
- 40
I'm treating this one as a short journal of my life so far. So naturally, it's a VERY LONG rant.
This weekend I fully fathomed how pathetically lonely, invaluable and unlovable I truly am. Almost 20 and not only I don't have a simple diploma, I have 0 friends irl and have never received genuine compassion from someone.
I realized that all the time I've spent, all the things that I did, all the shit I experienced and endured my whole life, they mean absolutely nothing since no one remembers me even now, as if I've been dead for 10 years already. They happened just because.
I didn't experience anything normal in my life so far, not recently, not during my teenage years and not even during my childhood. I can't recall any likeable memory whatsoever.
If my life was a movie I'd rate it a -10 stars if I could.
I don't have anyone irl, my family hates me and wants me to kms because I'm useless.
I tried to ctb a few years back by taking every pill we had in the cupboard which didn't kill me and only fucked up my liver.
I'm an outcast. And it's because I'm talentless, dumb and ugly (I'm not making an assumption, I went to a doctor for this and she scientifically proved that I'm basically an ugly ogre)
What I mainly remember from my teenage years is getting my ass kicked/bullied and being made fun of by the girls I had crushes on in school because of my ugliness and being skinny af (Even now I'm 27kgs underweight). I tried to first ctb at 12 yo by drowning myself in a pool.
What I remember from my childhood are the neighbor's son and his sister who SA'd me multiple times when I was 6, I saw someone get knifed to death in front of me when I was 8 and found a dead old man stuffed inside a barrel when I was 10 years old during a random Wednesday.
Even back then I had 0 friends and played with stones and pipes like an ape.
I've been alive for all these years and not even a single person's life would be affected even a little bit if I died rn.
I am so invaluable, there wouldn't be any difference if I wasn't born.
This weekend I fully fathomed how pathetically lonely, invaluable and unlovable I truly am. Almost 20 and not only I don't have a simple diploma, I have 0 friends irl and have never received genuine compassion from someone.
I realized that all the time I've spent, all the things that I did, all the shit I experienced and endured my whole life, they mean absolutely nothing since no one remembers me even now, as if I've been dead for 10 years already. They happened just because.
I didn't experience anything normal in my life so far, not recently, not during my teenage years and not even during my childhood. I can't recall any likeable memory whatsoever.
If my life was a movie I'd rate it a -10 stars if I could.
I don't have anyone irl, my family hates me and wants me to kms because I'm useless.
I tried to ctb a few years back by taking every pill we had in the cupboard which didn't kill me and only fucked up my liver.
I'm an outcast. And it's because I'm talentless, dumb and ugly (I'm not making an assumption, I went to a doctor for this and she scientifically proved that I'm basically an ugly ogre)
What I mainly remember from my teenage years is getting my ass kicked/bullied and being made fun of by the girls I had crushes on in school because of my ugliness and being skinny af (Even now I'm 27kgs underweight). I tried to first ctb at 12 yo by drowning myself in a pool.
What I remember from my childhood are the neighbor's son and his sister who SA'd me multiple times when I was 6, I saw someone get knifed to death in front of me when I was 8 and found a dead old man stuffed inside a barrel when I was 10 years old during a random Wednesday.
Even back then I had 0 friends and played with stones and pipes like an ape.
I've been alive for all these years and not even a single person's life would be affected even a little bit if I died rn.
I am so invaluable, there wouldn't be any difference if I wasn't born.
I empathize, I'm also deeply traumatized. Early life trauma will make your mind operate on a very different level from the people around you.
