Venting just keep punishing myself w/ my relationship

[tsuina]

it never ends does it??? this suffering never ends this pain never ends.
i feel like to punish myself for my existence i just put myself in awful situations where i get hurt and upset just to feel something since i don't self harm physically anymore
my partner treats me so shit sometimes (and i in turn lash out right back) and when they don't treat me like shit, they don't have much patience with me or my problems despite the fact i have crippling PTSD and skyrocketing physical health issues. they chose to be with me knowing these problems i have why is this happening, and why won't they just leave me. i don't want them to leave me ever but i mean i feel like they want to. i obviously am driving them mad. why! why don't they just hurt me already, get it over with, i know it's coming!!!! stop telling me "i'll never leave you again" it must be a lie!!!!!!!
i feel like i am an emotional vampire!! and they hurt me often enough (and i hurt them often enough) that it feels like it's not acceptable!! it's not acceptable on either part, yet i stay because i love them, i love them, i don't want to hurt them, i don't want to be lonely, i don't want them to be lonely, god why am i doing this to myself i am such garbage. i hate myself. i've been abused so many times in the past before them i doubt i will ever learn how to not hate myself and let that affect my relationship!!!

 

[2nd Zed]

At first, we get along well. Then, they leave. They never tell me why. That's how it goes. It has happened many times, but I never get used to it

 

[Ghost2211]

I was in a similar place as you. Sexual ptsd issues and physical health problems. He knew it all coming in, but he stopped loving me for it anyway. I wanted to just rip the bandaid off like you do, but I crashed hard when I did. He didn't care at all... if you know he's bad for you start mentally separating now while you still have him, and then you won't fall as hard when it ends or becomes more toxic.

 

[Meditation guide]

my partner treats me so shit sometimes (and i in turn lash out right back) and when they don't treat me like shit, they don't have much patience with me or my problems despite the fact i have crippling PTSD and skyrocketing physical health issues. they chose to be with me knowing these problems i have why is this happening, and why won't they just leave me. i don't want them to leave me ever but i mean i feel like they want to. i obviously am driving them mad. why! why don't they just hurt me already, get it over with, i know it's coming!!!! stop telling me "i'll never leave you again" it must be a lie!!!!!!!
i feel like i am an emotional vampire!! and they hurt me often enough (and i hurt them often enough) that it feels like it's not acceptable!! it's not acceptable on either part, yet i stay because i love them, i love them, i don't want to hurt them, i don't want to be lonely, i don't want them to be lonely, god why am i doing this to myself i am such garbage. i hate myself. i've been abused so many times in the past before them i doubt i will ever learn how to not hate myself and let that affect my relationship!!!

This is the classic Stockholm Syndrome you are suffering from, the history of being abused, clinging to your abuser, loving your abuser, is a survival mechanism. This is usually true of codependents.