Just Failed Today (not a suicide attempt... anxiety)

[BeautifulMosaics]

I've been off my meds and have to go in to work early in the mornings on only two days which disrupts my sleeping pattern. Being tired is really not good for depression and anxiety. When I was on meds and it wasn't so winter-ish, I could tolerate it, but now in these circumstances my anxiety/phobias and leg nerve-level itching/burning thing started and was heightened and I was triggered by everything.
I only go in on those two days, I didn't want to let the team down, but when the demands of what I had to do stretched to something that would trigger me further - I had to go home.

I feel like such a flop and this just reiterates why I want to ctb. I was so proud of myself for pushing through the discomfort and struggles but I retreated in the end. I don't care anymore. I just took the meds again so we'll see if that makes a difference - but then even on meds it's not great; the meds blunt my essence and I don't feel like myself or even listen to music when I'm on them. *sigh* WTF Whatever Anyway!

I've been thinking I don't want to see the New Year and Christmas and this is just further pushing me. If I've ever felt the desire to do something reckless like lick a granule of SN I'm feeling it now. Luckily I'm not actively irresponsible, just passively.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

Losing sight of identity or feeling confused because of meds can be troubling. I really don't have a lot to say other than good luck.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds stressful and tiring what you are going through. I'm sorry you are struggling. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[NormaJeane]

I have found the courage to die, but the method is difficult to perform, I panicked because of the survival instinct and survived. The society should stop forcing us to live and give us all euthanasia.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Losing sight of identity or feeling confused because of meds can be troubling. I really don't have a lot to say other than good luck.

It sounds stressful and tiring what you are going through. I'm sorry you are struggling. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Thank you, you guys are so kind :) I read this at the point it was written and it made me feel heard and consoled.

I have found the courage to die, but the method is difficult to perform, I panicked because of the survival instinct and survived. The society should stop forcing us to live and give us all euthanasia.