Help Jobless, no insurance, about to lose the roof over my head... Feeling very overwhelmed and I can't even tell anybody I attempted to hang myself today.

[tiredartist]

Hey, I know we are all in the same boat here so I am literally not expecting anything back. If you are reading this, thanks.
Don't feel bad if you have no words of your own to share - we are all tired.
Just typing this to get it out of my mind.

Ye olde backstory:
I have had a shit day of a shit week of a shit month of a shit year.
You can imagine that how I got to this point is not much different than anybody else. My story isn't unique.
I'm not gonna waste anybody's time by getting too much into detail of it all.
Difficult childhood, family was poor as fuck. We would regularly move because we would get evicted from our apartments due to being behind on rent.
My father was a pedo, my mother beat me up and made my life hell. I was an outcast at school and everybody knew I was being abused because I would miss 60+ days a school year for "health reasons" but nobody did shit. Couldn't even graduate because I couldn't stay awake or turn in coherent work in my last school year because it got so bad.
Ran away from home multiple times, been in and out of battered women's houses.
My whole family has financially used and abused me since the moment I could earn any money as a teen.
I've never had a partner who would help me get out or support me. I am jealous of others who find somebody who wants to help them, not gonna lie. I've always been on my own.

The only thing I am actually any good at is drawing. I would scrounge together money doing odd jobs to buy drawing supplies as a teen, later it was the only thing I would splurge on when working. I lack the physical and mental resilience to get anywhere with it commercially, let's be honest. But being creative is probably my only passion in life.

Last year I thought I finally made it somewhere - got out of the house far far away, started studying my passion at university - as game & character design.
But life doesn't give you a break and even though I was physically "safe", demons don't stop haunting you once you leave hell. I have never been as depressed as I have been this year.
I've been on antidepressants (recently even upped the dose) and in therapy since February. My ex-therapist couldn't help me as he doesn't specialize in trauma therapy and he has stopped seeing me in October because of it.
I've been unable to work and finance myself, relying on friend's help which is deeply humiliating to me.
Got diagnosed with severe depression and Complex PTSD in November by a trauma specialist. Getting into trauma therapy takes months and months though, waitlists are endless...

In the recent weeks, I was getting better. I had a new job aligned for December 16 after being jobless for months and months. The straw that broke the camels back for me today has been a domino effect of bureaucracy. My skin feels paper thin by now when it comes to stress so everything sends me reeling.
For my new job I need a certain paper slip that says I can work with food. For cascading reasons, I am unable to get it in time before I am scheduled to start my new job next Monday.
That will most likely mean I am losing the job. And I won't be able to pick up a new job this quickly before the New Year.
I am 2 months behind on rent and only begging my landlord for mercy has kept me from landing on the streets for Christmas. Told him I would pay a part of it till the 15th - from what? I don't even know yet. I literally don't have a single cent in my pocket or account. I've been getting food donations from some friends, which is so humiliating and I feel ashamed of myself. I am uninsured because I haven't been able to pay my rates.
I really fucking need this job and the money.

Bending myself backwards today thinking of a solution on the situation so I can save my job. Coming to the conclusion that there is none - none that is in time, that is.
Now, I have been researching suicide methods intensely this year already. Wouldn't be here otherwise.
I've read the literature there is on it, watched videos of different suicide methods to drill into my head the visceral reality of it all. It ain't pretty, so I am already throwing that hope out.

My poor partial hanging attempt:
I cried a bit, then got up, made my bed, lit an incense stick and put on music. That I can do that still is a luxury, and I would love to die before I end up homeless.
Spotify 2024 just dropped a while ago, so yay I can listen to all my favorite music in a neat little playlist while attempting!
My room has a bit of a weird layout so the only viable spot is the wardrobe + bed.
Tested my wardrobe and it's metal hooks for sturdiness. It wouldn't budge even when strongly pulling on it.
Took my hair dryer with it's sturdy cable, winded the end with the weight around the hook, made a noose.
Sat on my bed with my Yoshi plushie in my lap. Silly because I am a grown ass woman, but I am touch and affection starved.
Winded the cable around my neck several times, secured it with tape and by pushing the cable into the slit of the plug to make it even harder to get it off quickly. Started putting my weight on my neck.

I started getting dizzy. I could feel pressure in my head. It was cutting off my air a bit in the front, but definitely not terribly. I have been choked out before by my mother and that felt worse. Don't take this account for any advice on the experience though. I don't want anybody getting a wrong impression. Just need to write this out for myself.
I just didn't care in that moment what I was doing. I wanted to feel what it could be like.
I have thought about suicide very, very much in my life. I have just never ever attempted it.
I was wondering if survival instinct would kick in. I have been hit by a car before and I distinctly remember thinking to myself with such clarity "okay, your insides don't feel messed up, you probably aren't dying today" after flying through the air and rolling on asphalt even though I shattered the car window bloody with my head and dented the hood.

Feeling how it was cutting off my blood supply, my arms started feeling tingly and numb. There was what felt like a buildup of phlegm in the throat and it felt weird.
I was hoping that a feeling of "oh fuck, this is happening, are you stupid, I can't die like this!" would kick in to rattle me. But I felt complete indifference and numb inside. I was most likely doing it wrong?
I clinically thought to myself I should stop it only because I am being spontanous, which isn't a great setup to a succesful suicide. I don't want to just come out of it with brain damage.

So I was able to undo the noose after getting up and just laid down for a bit listening to the music and trying to come back to myself.
My arm still feels weird and my head and neck does too.
I should go read up on the hanging technique again and plan it out properly because my mind was all muddled while doing it. I am very sure I didn't do it right because everybody says SI kicks in. I am pretty sure I could have at least passed out, but I don't want to leave it up to chance.

Kinda feel like a loser typing this out because this was probably such a weak attempt anyways. But it was my first one, so I wanted to at least write it down...

I hate that I can't even tell anybody in my life that I tried it. I hate burdening other people. I can't even go to a hospital or see somebody because hey, no insurance.
I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I just wish somebody could acknowledge that I did something like that today.
I feel practically invisible in my pain and quite frankly, I just wish I could vanish into thin air, erasing any trace of myself and memory in people's mind.

I know that all my financial and survival problems are, ultimately, fixable in some way or another. Yeah yeah I have thought about all of that. But I am so overwhelmed and in need of handholding, which I know I won't get. I am so god damn tired. I am so damn tired of there "always being something". My life is one step forward, two steps back.
I am tired of surviving. I am tired of doing all the work myself. I am tired of life.
Gonna turn 30 very soon and I have gotten nowhere.

Sorry, this all got so long anyways even though I tried to keep myself short.
And sorry for the cynical tone of this whole post. I am still kinda out of it.

 

[SVEN]

If it helps any, whilst I can't assist, I read and empathised with your entire post, and I do acknowledge your attempt. As does every other member who "likes" or "hugs" your post.
Best wishes and please be kind to yourself.

 

[attheend13]

Hey, I know we are all in the same boat here so I am literally not expecting anything back. If you are reading this, thanks.
Don't feel bad if you have no words of your own to share - we are all tired.
Just typing this to get it out of my mind.

Ye olde backstory:
I have had a shit day of a shit week of a shit month of a shit year.
You can imagine that how I got to this point is not much different than anybody else. My story isn't unique.
I'm not gonna waste anybody's time by getting too much into detail of it all.
Difficult childhood, family was poor as fuck. We would regularly move because we would get evicted from our apartments due to being behind on rent.
My father was a pedo, my mother beat me up and made my life hell. I was an outcast at school and everybody knew I was being abused because I would miss 60+ days a school year for "health reasons" but nobody did shit. Couldn't even graduate because I couldn't stay awake or turn in coherent work in my last school year because it got so bad.
Ran away from home multiple times, been in and out of battered women's houses.
My whole family has financially used and abused me since the moment I could earn any money as a teen.
I've never had a partner who would help me get out or support me. I am jealous of others who find somebody who wants to help them, not gonna lie. I've always been on my own.

The only thing I am actually any good at is drawing. I would scrounge together money doing odd jobs to buy drawing supplies as a teen, later it was the only thing I would splurge on when working. I lack the physical and mental resilience to get anywhere with it commercially, let's be honest. But being creative is probably my only passion in life.

Last year I thought I finally made it somewhere - got out of the house far far away, started studying my passion at university - as game & character design.
But life doesn't give you a break and even though I was physically "safe", demons don't stop haunting you once you leave hell. I have never been as depressed as I have been this year.
I've been on antidepressants (recently even upped the dose) and in therapy since February. My ex-therapist couldn't help me as he doesn't specialize in trauma therapy and he has stopped seeing me in October because of it.
I've been unable to work and finance myself, relying on friend's help which is deeply humiliating to me.
Got diagnosed with severe depression and Complex PTSD in November by a trauma specialist. Getting into trauma therapy takes months and months though, waitlists are endless...

In the recent weeks, I was getting better. I had a new job aligned for December 16 after being jobless for months and months. The straw that broke the camels back for me today has been a domino effect of bureaucracy. My skin feels paper thin by now when it comes to stress so everything sends me reeling.
For my new job I need a certain paper slip that says I can work with food. For cascading reasons, I am unable to get it in time before I am scheduled to start my new job next Monday.
That will most likely mean I am losing the job. And I won't be able to pick up a new job this quickly before the New Year.
I am 2 months behind on rent and only begging my landlord for mercy has kept me from landing on the streets for Christmas. Told him I would pay a part of it till the 15th - from what? I don't even know yet. I literally don't have a single cent in my pocket or account. I've been getting food donations from some friends, which is so humiliating and I feel ashamed of myself. I am uninsured because I haven't been able to pay my rates.
I really fucking need this job and the money.

Bending myself backwards today thinking of a solution on the situation so I can save my job. Coming to the conclusion that there is none - none that is in time, that is.
Now, I have been researching suicide methods intensely this year already. Wouldn't be here otherwise.
I've read the literature there is on it, watched videos of different suicide methods to drill into my head the visceral reality of it all. It ain't pretty, so I am already throwing that hope out.

My poor partial hanging attempt:
I cried a bit, then got up, made my bed, lit an incense stick and put on music. That I can do that still is a luxury, and I would love to die before I end up homeless.
Spotify 2024 just dropped a while ago, so yay I can listen to all my favorite music in a neat little playlist while attempting!
My room has a bit of a weird layout so the only viable spot is the wardrobe + bed.
Tested my wardrobe and it's metal hooks for sturdiness. It wouldn't budge even when strongly pulling on it.
Took my hair dryer with it's sturdy cable, winded the end with the weight around the hook, made a noose.
Sat on my bed with my Yoshi plushie in my lap. Silly because I am a grown ass woman, but I am touch and affection starved.
Winded the cable around my neck several times, secured it with tape and by pushing the cable into the slit of the plug to make it even harder to get it off quickly. Started putting my weight on my neck.

I started getting dizzy. I could feel pressure in my head. It was cutting off my air a bit in the front, but definitely not terribly. I have been choked out before by my mother and that felt worse. Don't take this account for any advice on the experience though. I don't want anybody getting a wrong impression. Just need to write this out for myself.
I just didn't care in that moment what I was doing. I wanted to feel what it could be like.
I have thought about suicide very, very much in my life. I have just never ever attempted it.
I was wondering if survival instinct would kick in. I have been hit by a car before and I distinctly remember thinking to myself with such clarity "okay, your insides don't feel messed up, you probably aren't dying today" after flying through the air and rolling on asphalt even though I shattered the car window bloody with my head and dented the hood.

Feeling how it was cutting off my blood supply, my arms started feeling tingly and numb. There was what felt like a buildup of phlegm in the throat and it felt weird.
I was hoping that a feeling of "oh fuck, this is happening, are you stupid, I can't die like this!" would kick in to rattle me. But I felt complete indifference and numb inside. I was most likely doing it wrong?
I clinically thought to myself I should stop it only because I am being spontanous, which isn't a great setup to a succesful suicide. I don't want to just come out of it with brain damage.

So I was able to undo the noose after getting up and just laid down for a bit listening to the music and trying to come back to myself.
My arm still feels weird and my head and neck does too.
I should go read up on the hanging technique again and plan it out properly because my mind was all muddled while doing it. I am very sure I didn't do it right because everybody says SI kicks in. I am pretty sure I could have at least passed out, but I don't want to leave it up to chance.

Kinda feel like a loser typing this out because this was probably such a weak attempt anyways. But it was my first one, so I wanted to at least write it down...

I hate that I can't even tell anybody in my life that I tried it. I hate burdening other people. I can't even go to a hospital or see somebody because hey, no insurance.
I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I just wish somebody could acknowledge that I did something like that today.
I feel practically invisible in my pain and quite frankly, I just wish I could vanish into thin air, erasing any trace of myself and memory in people's mind.

I know that all my financial and survival problems are, ultimately, fixable in some way or another. Yeah yeah I have thought about all of that. But I am so overwhelmed and in need of handholding, which I know I won't get. I am so god damn tired. I am so damn tired of there "always being something". My life is one step forward, two steps back.
I am tired of surviving. I am tired of doing all the work myself. I am tired of life.
Gonna turn 30 very soon and I have gotten nowhere.

Sorry, this all got so long anyways even though I tried to keep myself short.
And sorry for the cynical tone of this whole post. I am still kinda out of it.

The heartbreak in your words is palpable. The fact that you apologize for the tone touched me. Even at the bottom of your heart, you care about others. Seems like that trait got a lot of us here because life doesn't care and unless there's people who do, life is a sentence to be served. It's hard time and we all served our nickel. There's no parole so what's left is only one thing. Life itself has got to be hell. Jean Paule Sartre wrote an exsistential play called No Exit. Several people find themselves in a room with no explanation or memory of how they got there. They think that they have been sent to hell though the room is empty, no fire, no red horned creatures. They argue until Gaston realizes that it is indeed hell because hell is other people. I have never forgotten that. It's also a morality play. Meaning the characters unpack their lives and conclude they deserve or don't deserve hell. I don't know what I deserve I only know what I have. Constant Survival mode, pain and failure. I'm not afraid of hell if there turns out to be one. I've been in hell so long they named a street after me.

 

[blacktrain98]

Struggling through all of this isn't lame, it's to be expected.

Did the job work out, or fall through? Sending you any bit of comfort I can.

 

[suicidegirl71]

If it helps any, whilst I can't assist, I read and empathised with your entire post, and I do acknowledge your attempt. As does every other member who "likes" or "hugs" your post.
Best wishes and please be kind to yourself.

I completely understand your situation. Life doesn't give you a break. I have been laid off from 4 jobs in 2I years. It makes me feel that I am worthless. It's barely enough to keep my head above water when I am employed, much less have an emergency fund.

 

[SVEN]

I completely understand your situation. Life doesn't give you a break. I have been laid off from 4 jobs in 2I years. It makes me feel that I am worthless. It's barely enough to keep my head above water when I am employed, much less have an emergency fund.

Believe you may have intended this for the Original Poster.

 

[TopChicken]

Im very sorry your going through this. I know its been a little bit. Hopefully things are a little better. Our pasts may differ, but I can certainly relate to your current situation. I cant do more than say I empathize with you/what youre going through, and acknowledge what you tried to do. An attempt is still an attempt, even if its spontaneous or poorly executed. (apologies. That sounds colder than I meant it, but im not really sure how else to put it atm) Im sorry you went through that and crossed that milestone. All that being said, if you need a friend, you can reach out. While you still need to do the work yourself, theres no reason you need to do it alone.

 

[Rust]

There is so much that I relate to with your post. I know these are just words from an internet stranger, but I do acknowledge you attempt and will remember it. I also just wanted to acknowledge some of the shitty things you've been through.

• Moving houses constantly is terrible. In my experience, it whittles you and your belongings down. You essentially become nomadic, only keeping the essentials. You can never settle down and are always in a state where you're ready to leave. It's not possible to truly feel at ease in that state.
• I think I've said it before, but family always has the potential to be the most hostile and sabotaging things in a person's life. Financial issues also always make families 1000 times more volatile. I managed to get far away from my family (8000km - and it's still not enough sometimes), but as you said, demons really do stick with you regardless.
• Lastly, I empathize greatly with the lack of support you've received. I'm of a similar age and know that 29 years without support is rough. Just know that you're strong for surviving so long!

You said that drawing is the only thing you're good at. I think you should add surviving to the list, because you've not had an easy life. I also really enjoyed your writing, since you conveyed your story really well.

As for the job situation, I don't think I can be of any use, but maybe if they're short staffed, they'll overlook the paper slip that you need for a few days? Also, you might not be the first person who has run into this issue before, so they might be aware that this kind of thing happens and could possibly help you? (Edit: I only now saw that your original post was on the 12th. I was a little confused by the dates. I hope things worked out though)

In any case, I really hope things work out and that 2025 treats you better!

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Similar situation here. Lost my job right before Thanksgiving, (I'm from the US,) spent that holiday alone, but fortunately had a friend drop off a nice dinner for me. Christmas was pretty much the same. Alone and still no job offers. But same friend did drop off a dinner and a gift. Also spoke to my cousin for around 3 hours that night trying to calm her down because the Holidays are not easy for her and also there is some family drama going on involving a beloved Uncle.

But none of this solves my problem. I have about a month a couple of weeks to secure employment, otherwise I will be homeless. Not gonna get a chance to pay back later and nobody is going to take me on either. Plus, won't have phone service either and that will kill any chance TO find employment. Homeless shelter is NOT an option because they are even more dangerous than staying outside. Especially where I live. Oh, and they recently made being homeless a literal criminal offense here. Not to mention there are so many predatory people here who either victimize the homeless for fun or out of pure hate. That's not even counting the other predatory homeless here, so yeah, can't go that route.

Part of me feels bad because it will inevitably affect at least a couple of people I know and that truly breaks my heart because I feel selfish and despise that kind of thinking. It's why society is the way it is. Plus I hate hurting others. So easy to do that rather than to be kind and selfless. Bit all that being said, I am pretty much faced with one option: death. If things don't turn around in the next month, that's what I am facing. Choice is, will it be quick and mildly discomforting, or slow and brutal and full of terror? Pretty sure most people would choose the former over the latter, so I understand your position. Don't exactly want to, but what choice am I left with.

However, I do hope something goes right for you soon. Been through a lot obviously and you deserve a break.

P.S. For anyone who thinks I am advocating pro-life nonsense, I am not. I'm just not so self absorbed that I feel my view is the ONLY correct view. Objectivity is far more compassionate than subjectivity.

 

[LukaParrot]

I cried a little after reading about your history. I really feel sorry for all you passed through life.

I dont have even 1/10 of your will, still even after so much pain, you're still here, I really think you're a strong person, you're also still new, dont feel ashammed of accepting help. People care about you even if it's from a stranger face.

Give your self a little break, end of year is a dead-end to find work, when the year begin, i hope you can find something that can improve and make your life better.

Try to find a shelter, depending on what country and where you live, there are social programs that help people to stand up again. You will find a job, maybe not what you desire but I think you can still rebuild a life for you.

I'm a stranger on internet, but would like to give a big hug.

 

[Young.Werther]

Some thoughts:

Ye olde backstory:

This is great, made me laugh.

Bending myself backwards today thinking of a solution on the situation so I can save my job.

I couldn't do this anymore. I just don't have the energy to try. I'm about to fall behind on a bunch of stuff but I'm just letting it all slip by. It's amazing that you have the energy to try.

Kinda feel like a loser typing this out because this was probably such a weak attempt anyways.

Attempting is hard. I've been stuck in limbo for a long time and never managed even one sloppy attempt. I even acquired SN but haven't found the courage to attempt. It's really hard. I'm hoping today's the day (i haven't told this to anybody obviously) but TBD I guess. It takes a ton of courage and I don't seem to have it. It's kind of amazing that you were able to do it.

Sorry, this all got so long anyways even though I tried to keep myself short.

This always happens to me, I start writing my goodbye notes and then they start sprawling into pages. I didn't mind reading about your day though.

I wish I had words to make you feel at peace but I don't. I hope you find some sort of relief.

 

[sparrowcharm]

So so sorry for all of your experience. You've come to the right place to share.

 

[Starry✧･ﾟDaze]

Thank you for sharing your story here, it was really touching.

Well, I guess I'm one of those who won't find the right words and can't express how this post made me feel, for you and myself.

It's just... I can relate so much as an artist who struggles in her late 20s and am about to lose my home probably too (financially dependent on my partner and need to get out of this relationship.)

I wish I could give you something, I don't even know what.
I fear I have no helfpful advice for you as I'm struggling with similiar things and diagnosis.

Just wanted to show that someone understands, even if I will never know your exact individual pain or what nightmares you went through on a daily basis.
Don't know if it works for you, but for some it can be at least a little bit soothing to see that people can relate and that you existing makes them feel something Idk

I'm so sorry you were forced to go through all this, nobody deserves to endure so much pain. It would be so beautiful if all of us in here could escape into a kinder world, just enter a bus and it drives us to our new homes.

I would love to sit with you and listen if this was possible ♡

 

[SmilingNoMore]

I'm sorry I only see this now, and don't know if you still around on here. Just wanted to say that how you know we always say that someone has it worse? That came to mind reading your story, especially when it comes to your childhood. You are right, there are no words to describe how unfair you've had it and how it just keeps on going. Please know that you are not a loser, you are a fighter to endure, a hero and true example of goodness in an evil world. All I can relate to is how shitty life can get, but your story is so much more than that, and so real, I take my hat off to you. I do believe in karma and that a soul such as yours deserves only love, kindness and respect from the universe. And I do believe there is a greater power somewhere out there that will make this happen for you somehow, someday. I'm sorry if this sounds empty. My thoughts are with you

 

[Life'sA6itch]

So terribly sorry for all you went through.