1001YellowDaffodils
the end is nigh
- Dec 19, 2021
- 32
Wanted to post, but not sure what to say. I guess I'll just say what my history is and what my current plans are if anyone is interested.
I haven't felt right my entire life. I first remember feeling different around 4 years old and being absolutely sure I was different by the time I was in first grade. I've never really felt all here y'know? Hard to focus, constantly in my head, difficulties perceiving reality, no sense of self, obsessive behaviors, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, etc. By 8 I had developed an ongoing eating disorder, super fun and cool lol. Somewhere along the way I got depression and the first time I tried to kill myself I was 10 and laid on railroad tracks. Every year things got worse and worse, more anxiety, deeper depression, every manner of self harm and self destructive actions, until we get to here.
Currently I am one month unemployed after quitting my job because I am physically and mentally worn down and in pain. I wasn't working as good as I used to and it wasn't fair to my wonderful boss and co-workers. After a year of working 6 days a week, a few times with over 10 hours shifts, in a labor job (the only kind of job I could do) I felt the effects. My body ached all over and it is still hard to move, or even be still, without some pain. The whole time my mental state was also worsening. I told myself if I ever quit my job that's when I was going to kill myself. It's time.
In these few weeks I've become too anxious and agoraphobic to go outside, or even see the people I live with. I haven't seen a person face-to-face since November and I live with four family members, I don't know how I've done it either. I feel sick all the time, I have no motivation to get out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, live, do anything. Over the past couple years I started seeing small hallucinations, but they've increased and gotten more detailed. The other day I was by my closet and when I looked, in front of the hanging clothes was an overly long forearm and hand coming out from the wall. I've been seeing disembodied hands in places they shouldn't be, but this has been the closest one has been to me and it really startled me. I've also started to hear whispering and voices sometimes. Violent intrusive thoughts are still present and horrifying. Completely lost any identity I had and don't recognize my face, or even recognize myself as a human. I finally gave up on the last of my passions and hobbies and any life plans months ago.
All this and some more. I hate being like this. It's scary and difficult and isolating. For years I had tried to hide all of this, but I keep slipping further and further and I can't do it anymore. I'm impulsive, I do things I shouldn't, I say things I shouldn't. I had never used anyone for support for any of these things until this year when I met someone really special to me. They were here for me so much, but I saw how sad it made them, and my other friends and family, that's why I've stopped talking to everyone I know. I'm ghosting the person I care about because they want to be with me and talk to me until the end, literally, but I can't do that to them. I'd rather they hate me now and move on, which I think they are starting to. They asked me the other day if I was okay with them seeing someone else. It hurts because I never stopped wanting them around I just didn't want to hurt them, or anyone. I want them to be happy.
I'm going to jump off a bridge next month. Waiting so it's not so close to Christmas and birthdays. I keep going to the bridge in anticipation.
Hope you all have a good day!
I haven't felt right my entire life. I first remember feeling different around 4 years old and being absolutely sure I was different by the time I was in first grade. I've never really felt all here y'know? Hard to focus, constantly in my head, difficulties perceiving reality, no sense of self, obsessive behaviors, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, etc. By 8 I had developed an ongoing eating disorder, super fun and cool lol. Somewhere along the way I got depression and the first time I tried to kill myself I was 10 and laid on railroad tracks. Every year things got worse and worse, more anxiety, deeper depression, every manner of self harm and self destructive actions, until we get to here.
Currently I am one month unemployed after quitting my job because I am physically and mentally worn down and in pain. I wasn't working as good as I used to and it wasn't fair to my wonderful boss and co-workers. After a year of working 6 days a week, a few times with over 10 hours shifts, in a labor job (the only kind of job I could do) I felt the effects. My body ached all over and it is still hard to move, or even be still, without some pain. The whole time my mental state was also worsening. I told myself if I ever quit my job that's when I was going to kill myself. It's time.
In these few weeks I've become too anxious and agoraphobic to go outside, or even see the people I live with. I haven't seen a person face-to-face since November and I live with four family members, I don't know how I've done it either. I feel sick all the time, I have no motivation to get out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, live, do anything. Over the past couple years I started seeing small hallucinations, but they've increased and gotten more detailed. The other day I was by my closet and when I looked, in front of the hanging clothes was an overly long forearm and hand coming out from the wall. I've been seeing disembodied hands in places they shouldn't be, but this has been the closest one has been to me and it really startled me. I've also started to hear whispering and voices sometimes. Violent intrusive thoughts are still present and horrifying. Completely lost any identity I had and don't recognize my face, or even recognize myself as a human. I finally gave up on the last of my passions and hobbies and any life plans months ago.
All this and some more. I hate being like this. It's scary and difficult and isolating. For years I had tried to hide all of this, but I keep slipping further and further and I can't do it anymore. I'm impulsive, I do things I shouldn't, I say things I shouldn't. I had never used anyone for support for any of these things until this year when I met someone really special to me. They were here for me so much, but I saw how sad it made them, and my other friends and family, that's why I've stopped talking to everyone I know. I'm ghosting the person I care about because they want to be with me and talk to me until the end, literally, but I can't do that to them. I'd rather they hate me now and move on, which I think they are starting to. They asked me the other day if I was okay with them seeing someone else. It hurts because I never stopped wanting them around I just didn't want to hurt them, or anyone. I want them to be happy.
I'm going to jump off a bridge next month. Waiting so it's not so close to Christmas and birthdays. I keep going to the bridge in anticipation.
Hope you all have a good day!
