I've been taking a break from this website, because for some reason I convinced myself that I could overcome the negativity of both my past and current situation. I thought that the distractions would actually work for once, and I could stave off the existential dread that only occurs when I'm ruminating over my life. This type of hope is so rare for me that I almost forgot what it felt like, and I foolishly thought that maybe I wouldn't need this place anymore.
Well, fast-forward to a few days later, and I'm back here again, not knowing why I even thought I could hack it as a functioning, neurotypical member of society. I really believed I could relate to people and have positive social interactions going forward, but of course, there's always going to be something I can't understand and inevitably fuck up. This brief euphoria has absolutely happened before, and I can't believe I let myself get deluded one more time when I should've known better after years of this cyclical pattern. What's worse is that my survival instinct remains higher than normal but I still think about going to sleep and never waking up again. Why couldn't it be this easy? Why are we all doomed to lead lives of misery if we can't beat our SI down to a pulp?
I also regret telling someone that I was slightly suicidal and had an "ideal method." Good thing I was actually in a lucid state of mind where I didn't just go off about how I'd actually implement it, because only SS understands the reassurance of knowing how to end your life properly as a form of escape. I thought they'd understand because they've shared some similar ideas to me in the past, but ultimately the pro-life bias insidiously poisons many people's minds. I've really missed you guys.
Well, fast-forward to a few days later, and I'm back here again, not knowing why I even thought I could hack it as a functioning, neurotypical member of society. I really believed I could relate to people and have positive social interactions going forward, but of course, there's always going to be something I can't understand and inevitably fuck up. This brief euphoria has absolutely happened before, and I can't believe I let myself get deluded one more time when I should've known better after years of this cyclical pattern. What's worse is that my survival instinct remains higher than normal but I still think about going to sleep and never waking up again. Why couldn't it be this easy? Why are we all doomed to lead lives of misery if we can't beat our SI down to a pulp?
I also regret telling someone that I was slightly suicidal and had an "ideal method." Good thing I was actually in a lucid state of mind where I didn't just go off about how I'd actually implement it, because only SS understands the reassurance of knowing how to end your life properly as a form of escape. I thought they'd understand because they've shared some similar ideas to me in the past, but ultimately the pro-life bias insidiously poisons many people's minds. I've really missed you guys.
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