Venting I’ve got to figure this out

[smoothbiscotti9999]

F61 Want to ctb asap just trying to figure out a way that will def work. I'm chronically ill, along with my autoimmune issues, I have inoperable cysts along my spinal cord, ankylosing spondylitis, kyphosis, scoliosis, arthritis, long covid, need 2 knee replacements and hip replacements,muscle wasting and gastroparesis. My life is so pointless with no quality of life. after spending years trying to find someone in the medical profession to help me in some way-only to be handed a referral to another specialist-who then cannot help-but only refers me to another. I'm propped up in bed every day because sitting causes immense pain in my back. If I try to walk farther than the kitchen or bathroom the pain takes my breath away. I'm blessed enough to be able to live with my son and his family but feel like a burden-not because of them, because just how my brain works. Almost 10 years ago, I was working my dream job and after being a workaholic all my life I hit a wall and started getting sick. I was making great money with a company car and all the fringe benefits you can imagine. I was a single mom who worked hard all my life to get to where I was. Now? I'm unable to get my own place due to my only income is SSDI. I've been in pain management for years but although my meds take the edge off, I'm never pain free. I've given up on the medical field(except pain management) after being misdiagnosed multiple times. I actually went thru cancer treatment only to find out through a second opinion I don't even have cancer. I consulted with several surgeons thinking maybe surgery would give me some relief; only to be told "due to the amount of pain meds I'm on, they wouldn't due the surgery because they don't prescribe any pain meds during recovery except ibuprofen and Tylenol" So here I live, propped up in a bed in my room having no quality of life. My son tries to help by inviting me places or even out of my room-but sadly I have no desire to even talk or interact with them… because all I know is I hurt all the time. Then I feel bad for not participating with them and the rumination begins. Wow! That was a lot, so sorry didn't realize this would end up being such a vent. I just really don't want to be here anymore and have felt this way for a long time. I've seen that "controlled substances" are a no go but a part of me feels like with the right mixture of medications, without taking bottles of pills might be the right mixture for me. I'm working on what meds boost the effects of others while maybe adding other meds to "help" my body ctb. I really want it to look like I went in my sleep as to not let my kids down. I'm so tired of fighting for such a crappy quality of life. It just needs to be over already.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

These things (like OD's) tend to kill when people don't intend them to, but finding the right combination when we want to CTB isn't reliable. You might get lucky & get the perfect seemingly accidental death that you want… or you could end up in worse shape than you're in now. If successfully CTBing is the most important thing to you (maybe it isn't yet but will be), then go with a viable method. And regarding parents who CTB when older & in ill health, I would have much preferred it if my mother had CTB'd before her health went so downhill that it fell off a cliff. If she could have spared herself those years of pure misery, I would've been all for it. I'm sure your kids hate to see you suffering (or would if it gets worse) & if you CTB'd they may actually get it. Anyway, best of luck with whatever you decide.