Venting it's too real now

[hʚll]

i'm basically dissociated all the time, living layers above my body, detached from my mind, my memories, family, reality...
i don't think i am real.
even using the words "i", "my". the words, they trigger me.
i think this dissociation comes from not wanting to accept the world i live in. i don't want to be associated with it. it's too bad to be real.

now that i'm getting closer to end all this, i feel like i'm being forced to feel real. it's like it's too real now. it's traumatizing to acknowledge this evil reality. but i have to face it all one last time, if i want out. this is scary. please i hope i can do it. i believe i can. i want to, even if it hurts, even if the reality is too overwhelming for me.

i guess this was a vent. maybe one of you can relate.

good luck.

 

[Painless_end]

I can relate. I hope you make choices that lead to a peaceful outcome for yourself.

 

[Superdeterminist]

You worded it very well. We play around with suicide in our minds, but when it starts coming into reality things become much scarier, much heavier.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing really can be painful and this world can be very cruel. I wish you well.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I wish you peace no matter your choice

 

[aminend]

I understand u. I almost have a same condition

 

[http-410]

As I myself am permanently dissociated, I can relate to this very well.

now that i'm getting closer to end all this, i feel like i'm being forced to feel real. it's like it's too real now. it's traumatizing to acknowledge this evil reality.

This sounds familiar... I'm not sure if dealing with death and suicide feels real to me, but nothing feels more "serious" than dealing with these issues. Or sharp. Like putting on a pair of glasses and the only thing one can see clearly is suicide. It's hard to describe, especially when one no longer knows what reality feels like.

Dealing with this numb and bleak "reality" and suicide is like bouncing back and forth. I guess I can only kill myself in a severely dissociated state, and I suspect if I do, it might feel more real, but then it's too late and also pointless to go back.

I also wish everything was just a dream from which I will wake up at any moment, but I'm afraid it's not. But know that you are not suffering alone. I'm truly sorry you're suffering. Sadly, so many people don't understand how unbearable dissociation can be.

I hope you find something that alleviates at least a little pain.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

Life can become so extremely traumatizing to the point where things start too feel unreal and nightmarish. I hope you can find peace wherever you believe it lies.. Waking up everyday, being constantly reminded of the stickiness and the perpetuity of this miserably dreadful, unbearable reality is.. well... very unbearable. Maybe our minds just feel so trapped that they give our difficult lives these mythical and surreal qualities, maybe dissociation is an escape from the crisis of having been born and having to continue existing trapped in our vulnerable, fleshy shells.

 

[hʚll]

maybe dissociation is an escape from the crisis of having been born and having to continue existing trapped in our vulnerable, fleshy shells.

yeah, this.

thank you, peace to you too!

 

[Justnyc]

i'm basically dissociated all the time, living layers above my body, detached from my mind, my memories, family, reality...
i don't think i am real.
even using the words "i", "my". the words, they trigger me.
i think this dissociation comes from not wanting to accept the world i live in. i don't want to be associated with it. it's too bad to be real.

now that i'm getting closer to end all this, i feel like i'm being forced to feel real. it's like it's too real now. it's traumatizing to acknowledge this evil reality. but i have to face it all one last time, if i want out. this is scary. please i hope i can do it. i believe i can. i want to, even if it hurts, even if the reality is too overwhelming for me.

i guess this was a vent. maybe one of you can relate.

good luck.

I relate to this one alot very overwhelmed by it to every week is like tell my ctb plan but see i live with family where I'm dissociate its too much