Venting It's really fucked up...

[Cherry Crumpet]

One of the reasons I feel so horrible is because I won't be able to have my own child. Hell I don't care if they aren't mine by blood, in fact I'd rather adopt someone that's already alive and in this cluster fuck of a world.

I keep telling myself that I want to be alone. That I'm happier by myself than with a partner. Sometimes I believe it - I need so much time by myself it's insane. I can't fucking imagine living with another person constantly in my space 24/7 (except for a child or my mom).

The irony is that someone as messed up mentally as me should fucking NOT have children. So it's a catch 22 lol. I get horribly depressed over the fact I have no family, then realize my mental health indicates I absolutely should NOT have a family, and it goes back to being horribly depressed about not having a family. Rinse and repeat.

Or maybe it's just because I no longer even have the option to have one.. Before I ran out of time, it was something in the back of my mind, but I never like, felt a strong urge to have a child *at that time*. It was some abstract concept.

I'm just so fucking tired. This is exhausting. It feels never ending.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can push us into despair when we want something but yet we feel like we are unable to have it. I have experienced that feeling in the past. This life can really be exhausting. I wish you the best.

 

[WornOutLife]

Maybe that happens to you (it has happened to me to in the past even though I don't want to have any children at all) because you want to "leave behind something/someone related to you" in this world.
Even if it's not your biological son/daughter, maybe you'll feel good helping someone and knowing they'll remember you.

Whatever you do, just try to make sure you really wanna do it. That's the only advice I can give you.

Wish you lots of love and peace,

Matt