chudpolonais
just let me die already for christ's sake
- Nov 16, 2025
- 30
i don't have the energy to keep on going for much longer, i spend all day every day rotting in bed only sometimes going out to buy alcohol or seeing my one singular friend once every blue moon. other than that, i have no friends, no support, no social life nor skills, no nothing in that regard. i'm physically repulsive, awkward and my entire body is covered in scars. not a single person ever wants to be around me and the only contact i have with the people around me on a daily basis consists entirely of weirded-out looks thrown at me.
the last time i felt genuinely happy was when i was 14. by then, i had at least a semblance of a social life, getting dragged into a high school i didn't want to go to by my parents completely destroyed me as a person on a fundamental level. getting thrown into that ghoulish building full of actual halfwits and burned-out past recognition teachers for 4 years was quite possibly the single worst thing to have happened to me. after i graduated and entered adulthood i thought maybe it would get better but no, i bombed my final exams and got rejected by every single college. this only further deepened the hole i'm in. instead of experiencing college life, making friends, going to parties, having w social life i turned into a full-time shut-in. in the span of 4-or-so years i went from somewhat cheerful to getting screwed over by depression every single day of my miserable life.
having autism certainly doesn't help. from day 1 i couldn't fit in with anyone and got picked on for my interests and mannerisms. not being able to read people's true intentions only gave more ammunition for people to poke fun at me and not being able to read people in general never gave me a chance to develop social skills
i plan on CTBing in september, as i want to live out the rest of my days in warmth
heartburn is killing me as i'm writing this, i wish something would come and kill me in a non-metaphorical way
the last time i felt genuinely happy was when i was 14. by then, i had at least a semblance of a social life, getting dragged into a high school i didn't want to go to by my parents completely destroyed me as a person on a fundamental level. getting thrown into that ghoulish building full of actual halfwits and burned-out past recognition teachers for 4 years was quite possibly the single worst thing to have happened to me. after i graduated and entered adulthood i thought maybe it would get better but no, i bombed my final exams and got rejected by every single college. this only further deepened the hole i'm in. instead of experiencing college life, making friends, going to parties, having w social life i turned into a full-time shut-in. in the span of 4-or-so years i went from somewhat cheerful to getting screwed over by depression every single day of my miserable life.
having autism certainly doesn't help. from day 1 i couldn't fit in with anyone and got picked on for my interests and mannerisms. not being able to read people's true intentions only gave more ammunition for people to poke fun at me and not being able to read people in general never gave me a chance to develop social skills
i plan on CTBing in september, as i want to live out the rest of my days in warmth
heartburn is killing me as i'm writing this, i wish something would come and kill me in a non-metaphorical way
