Venting It’s only getting worse

[Itsme19]

I'm finally in my final year of uni after so many setbacks and I'm trying to be happy about it. Even showing up to most of my classes and I'm actually a little proud of myself. But tonight I went out to the bars with some friends and it was going well at first, then I just started to feel completely out of place, felt people hated me, felt humiliated bc a crush of mine wouldn't even acknowledge me, and relatively things aren't even that bad but I felt like absolute shit. Felt like my friends only bring me with them out of some unspoken obligation and they'd have way more fun if I was never there in the first place. Idk why it was too much for me this time, soon as I came home I just absolutely broke down, self harmed for the first time in my bathroom floor bawling my eyes out and it felt like close to nothing. Idk why things seem to get a bit better only to end up so much worse, I feel so weak and stupid and there's no one I can reach out to and tell and quite frankly I don't think I wanna tell anyone bc they'll probably brush me off anyway. I can't wait till I have what I need so I can ctb finally.

 

[bipolar22]

Sorry thats sounds like a bad night for you. It hurts when friends dont seem to appreciate you and youre crush not showing interest must be even more painful when youre friends are there to witness it aswell. Youre devastating feelings are valid. I dont knownyoure history and dont wanna imply anything but maybe its possible you were reading too much into little social cues. Especially when booze is in the mix things can seem more impactful than they might be. Referring to your friends not wanting you along that is. Have they stated something like that before? Or is it just a feeling? And about your crush ignoring you that's tough of course. It happens often but that doesnt make it less painful. Do you have maybe anything you like to do to take your mind off a bit? Like watching a TV show you like. Just a suggestion. If youre feeling too down and just wanna vent some more we are here for it aswell. Hope the bad feelings settle at least somewhat soon for you.

 

[Itsme19]

Sorry thats sounds like a bad night for you. It hurts when friends dont seem to appreciate you and youre crush not showing interest must be even more painful when youre friends are there to witness it aswell. Youre devastating feelings are valid. I dont knownyoure history and dont wanna imply anything but maybe its possible you were reading too much into little social cues. Especially when booze is in the mix things can seem more impactful than they might be. Referring to your friends not wanting you along that is. Have they stated something like that before? Or is it just a feeling? And about your crush ignoring you that's tough of course. It happens often but that doesnt make it less painful. Do you have maybe anything you like to do to take your mind off a bit? Like watching a TV show you like. Just a suggestion. If youre feeling too down and just wanna vent some more we are here for it aswell. Hope the bad feelings settle at least somewhat soon for you.

Yea honestly I do take a lot of things to heart, I've always been sensitive but I think it's amplified bc of the depression and then drinking on top of that. Im pretty sure my friends don't actually like me bc i haven't been an easy friend to like tbh, isolating myself alot, not wanting to hang out w them all the time and im pretty sure they have like group chats without me, and have 'forgotten' to invite me to things like bday parties before so I know they probably hate me lmao. Sounds so pathetic and I know im indulging it tbh. But thank you for reaching out and trying to help me feel better, it means alot.

 

[bipolar22]

Yea honestly I do take a lot of things to heart, I've always been sensitive but I think it's amplified bc of the depression and then drinking on top of that. Im pretty sure my friends don't actually like me bc i haven't been an easy friend to like tbh, isolating myself alot, not wanting to hang out w them all the time and im pretty sure they have like group chats without me, and have 'forgotten' to invite me to things like bday parties before so I know they probably hate me lmao. Sounds so pathetic and I know im indulging it tbh. But thank you for reaching out and trying to help me feel better, it means alot.

Sadly yes alot of friends will stray away as soon as the other person stops to be fun and entertainment for them anymore. But sometimes we meet one who truly cares and wants to be there even during the difficult times. Its not many. I had maybe 3 or 4 in my entire life. I have bpd and used to drink alot so you can imagine the drama I would cause from time to time. So maybe if you have the energy and youre depression isnt making it too difficult and have the willingness to try to connect with them a bit more, regardless of the feeling that they are done with you, you might end up and win one really good friend who is willing to face youre problems with you. Just a suggestion without pressure or anything. For me I used to get drunk and it made me social enough I frankly didn't care or notice how annoying i was to my friends because way too drunk. But dont do that haha. I'm 2 years sober and my body still hasn't recovered.

 

[Itsme19]

Sadly yes alot of friends will stray away as soon as the other person stops to be fun and entertainment for them anymore. But sometimes we meet one who truly cares and wants to be there even during the difficult times. Its not many. I had maybe 3 or 4 in my entire life. I have bpd and used to drink alot so you can imagine the drama I would cause from time to time. So maybe if you have the energy and youre depression isnt making it too difficult and have the willingness to try to connect with them a bit more, regardless of the feeling that they are done with you, you might end up and win one really good friend who is willing to face youre problems with you. Just a suggestion without pressure or anything. For me I used to get drunk and it made me social enough I frankly didn't care or notice how annoying i was to my friends because way too drunk. But dont do that haha. I'm 2 years sober and my body still hasn't recovered.

Its been hard to keep friends and I don't think I ever learned or taught myself how to be friends with someone tbh bc I don't feel I can share my true self with them without feeling ashamed. Its a strange mix of feeling though, sometimes I feel people aren't worth it and they're all horrible (probably coping) and then sometimes I feel I'm not worth friends. It's something I'm working in though especially bc it's my last year at school so I'm trying.
Wow Congrats on 2 years sober, I know it's so difficult and I can't imagine what it's like with bpd, but its so great you're taking those steps,

 

[bipolar22]

Its been hard to keep friends and I don't think I ever learned or taught myself how to be friends with someone tbh bc I don't feel I can share my true self with them without feeling ashamed. Its a strange mix of feeling though, sometimes I feel people aren't worth it and they're all horrible (probably coping) and then sometimes I feel I'm not worth friends. It's something I'm working in though especially bc it's my last year at school so I'm trying.
Wow Congrats on 2 years sober, I know it's so difficult and I can't imagine what it's like with bpd, but its so great you're taking those steps,

yes sounds like you're sabotaging yourself a bit by imagining all of the are horrible and you aren't worth having any friends.
I'm not saying it in a judgmental way. I self sabotage so many things in my life I cant even keep count. And your not wrong; there are a lot of maybe not horrible, but maybe just self centered people around.
I'm glad to hear you make attempts and try to connect with others. I hope for you you find at least one person you can trust even if its just at a surface level at first. I never learned how to be a good friend either think the gist is just to spend some time. check in on each other. listen. and that's already enough to let it grow naturally. Anyway I'm no expert on this so take this with a grain of salt.

 

[diseasedstreetcat]

Yea honestly I do take a lot of things to heart, I've always been sensitive but I think it's amplified bc of the depression and then drinking on top of that. Im pretty sure my friends don't actually like me bc i haven't been an easy friend to like tbh, isolating myself alot, not wanting to hang out w them all the time and im pretty sure they have like group chats without me, and have 'forgotten' to invite me to things like bday parties before so I know they probably hate me lmao. Sounds so pathetic and I know im indulging it tbh. But thank you for reaching out and trying to help me feel better, it means alot.

I don't know if this is what you need to hear, but stop treating yourself like you're the bottom pick! you have worthiness! you are "expensive"!
if the world around you has made you believe so, then start to question that line of logic objectively, without fear. How many people can do what i do? how many have come so far as i have? who else has my creative vision? if people all seem to dislike me, must their opinion be right just because it's the popular one?
don't be afraid to ditch people. It's scary when it seems like you have no choice on how many friends you get to have, i know, but you will find out that is not true. Reading your post i see your suffering and your wish to be affirmated and loved and it resonates with me. So little of you has already captivated a person.
You will have good friends, people you can rely on to talk clearly to and to support you in your vulnerability, and you will do the same for them.