Story it's not my time

[uienringptr]

I visited this site and lurked often when things got really bad. Nearly every night of the last week of 2021 and the first few days of 2022 I have spent crying and contemplating if I even want to keep trying. I am really EXTREMELY grateful for this site and I'm glad I finally made an account, but I am starting to think it is not for the reasons I once thought it was. I am young (not a minor young, but not OLD.) I've got a lot of time left in me. I am healthy and I have people who want to see me succeed. I genuinely want to be happy, and if that's not possible, I want to at least seek happiness. I want to get better. Every issue that I have is not worth dying over.

Sometimes when it is late and I am alone I think that I can't get past little things. "I can't do this because college is not letting me sign up for courses. I can't do this because I'm anxious." Those times I think maybe I'll try to CTB again. Maybe I really CANT do life? I fail to see that the people around me are the ones telling me I can't do this life. What the hell do they know?

I guess I'm glad that lurking has put some things into perspective or I might've hurt myself quite badly last night in a failed attempt. I feel free knowing how I need to go out, if i decide that's the move, and that I can't really do what I want to do on impulse because I will never be in a terrible headspace long enough to order supplies, not cancel it, get it delivered, and then follow through with a plan. I swear man, failing at trying to die so many times is exhausting... I didn't want to die and I don't want to die right now either. Things just get bad sometimes. I believe I'll end my life myself someday, but not soon.

I hope everyone is doing okay.

 

[Olive_Eyes]

Hi, your case sounds just like mine, it is weird and frustrating to sometimes feel so depressed even tough you have people that cares about you and a not so terrible future. Life can feel very pointless sometimes.
I just want you to know that you are not the only one going through this kind of stuff and i really hope you get the calm to figure out your feelings.

 

[timf]

Sometimes looking at the future through the lens of other people's values can feel like dancing to someone else's tune.

It can be difficult to find hope and satisfaction when the future seems a poor fit.

It can be an improvement to find your own voice. Not everyone "has" to go to college and take their assigned place in a corporate hive.

For example, you might have unexplored artistic interests that if allowed free reign, might bring happiness and fulfillment.

It can be useful also to not get so tied into a future vision such that the present is neglected. It has been said that life is what happens when you are waiting for something else. Keeping your life filled with small pleasures such as watching a favorite movie or reading a favorite book can contribute to a rewarding life.

 

[uienringptr]

Keeping your life filled with small pleasures such as watching a favorite movie or reading a favorite book can contribute to a rewarding life.

I love this! Thank you! I have been into satanism for a while now and one of the things LaVey preaches is allowing yourself the small indulgences. I think I am going to buy a pet mouse to keep me company because I have been wanting one for a while. For now, I think that college is the route I want to continue on, while I explore my other interests on the side. It terrifies me to no end that I might not be able to take care of myself financially and I don't think I mind falling into that trap honestly. It doesn't hurt me that much I guess.

I just want you to know that you are not the only one going through this kind of stuff and i really hope you get the calm to figure out your feelings.

Thank you! I think we'll both find our way eventually. I guess only time will tell. I was thinking about it earlier and I guess the mystery of whether things will work out the way I expect them to or not is kind of exciting to me. I like to think maybe there'll be some plot twist that makes it all go right but maybe there won't be. The mystery is what kept me going for another day. I'll just have to hold onto that.