Venting It's not going to get easier

[PartlyHuman]

I understand that it's a big decision and I can change it and there is probability I will, I also will try to minimise its impact if I will decide to do it eventually. But I don't have hope and not willing to go through the mess that is my life more.
I've tried therapy. I've tried psychiatrist and medication. I've tried to fix my life and be happy. But my health, physical and mental isn't going to get better and my dreams will never come true. It's not going to get easier and I see no point.
When I look in the future, all I see is more pain from my bpd, lack of closeness because the one I dream of is impossible, more failures and depressed days. My health giving up and doctors telling me that they can't do anything, there is no healing, just supporting it at best.
I won't do it soon. I'll take my time to think and to see autumn again, to sign my will and to prepare and finish everything I can, to finalise my plan. Write letters. See my favourite places and eat things I wanted.
For after I have my SN ready.
Hugs to everybody in the same spot. The pain will end soon.

 

[Zzzzz]

I also know that things will never get better for me. They will either stay the same or get worse. I also know that my dreams won't come true. It's not even worth trying to me. May we find peace from this cruel and unfair world.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate. I have always had an inability to cope with life. Negative things have happened to me that I couldn't have prevented. Life is just cruel and I have dread for my future. There is no limit as to how bad it can get either. I see death as the only way to get some sort of peace, it is the one solution for my problems.