violetforever
Enlightened
- Dec 24, 2025
- 1,086
i scratch at my skin like im trying to get out of it. i hit myself to bruises like im trying to wear it out for good. my disordered brain detects a necessary function like eating as a threat and prevents me from doing it entirely or at least without dread. i have constant nausea in my stomach everyday from how depressingly suicidal and anxious i feel. it mentally strains me to pull myself up from my bed every morning and get through the day putting on a performance that hides my discomfort from not wanting to be alive so i wont disturb other people. im becoming careless with making much of an effort to hide that from anybody now though. i dont want to do anything or go anywhere or interact with anyone that i absolutely dont have to. i feel like im avoiding existing as much as i possibly can. all of this to not even be able to have the decision or access to end my life in an easy and peaceful way. its someone elses decision to make if i really deserve or qualify to die without further suffering. how is that fair? i was really born disadvantaged and thats how it was always going to be until my final day wasnt it? im not mentally well for so many occurrences from childhood into my present adulthood and its cost me my entire life. im sure some stranger with more money and power than i have knows me better inside and out than myself though.
