Venting It's not fair.

[Cauliflour]

Found out today someone I would call an acquaintance but is quite a bit younger than me self harms because they were wearing a short sleeved top and everyone else didn't seem to pay attention to all their scars even though they were very visible. I've been cutting for years now and my scars are barely visible when healed but somehow they managed to get lines and lines and lines both sides and burn marks and I know this is definitely a trans thing because they've opened up to me about it a few times so I really doubt it's for fun and yet me, who very much wants all those scars and marks across my arms, can't make the cuts deep enough to do any terrible damage. I should be an expert by now! Why am I so fucking terrible at wrecking my own skin? I want it to be wrecked. I want to wreck it so bad but I'm too pathetic to make the scars stay reasonably visible. Are box knive blades just not sharp enough? Is it my technique? Do I have to be more queer? What am I doing wrong here? Nobody gives you instructions on what to do (at least on the surface web because of all those hotlines) so how are all the people on Google Images and TV shows doing a much better job than me when they don't even want their scars?

I've made a fucking mood board of cutting scars, this shit is part of my identity.

Spoiler: TW: Self harm cuts

"Glorious innit? Definitely gonna make more in the future, there's so many of these pictures (hell there's an entire subreddit) but they make me feel a bit shit because I feel really jealous that mine are nowhere near as good looking. Bottom right has stitches for fucks sake. I want stitches! I don't want to have to deal with the hospitals trying to shove me onto medication but I want to fuck up my health like that one! Still trying to find that picture with the woman who has them all over her arms up to her neck but I can't find it. That's like my dream body." - me 17th June

Anyway I didn't ask them about it then as I didn't want to put them on the spot in front of a group of people so I'll ask on Whatsapp tomorrow about it. I was the first person in that group that they talked to me about their issues over text so I think they'll give some sort of an answer. If not then I'm an insensitive prick.

Really says something about my mental state that this is what makes me jealous of others. Not hair or weight or normal girl things, fucking cutting scars.

---

Also the UK ban thing makes me worried 'cause I know I'll be fine because I have a VPN already but it's the general atmosphere of how such things will be seen here because of a site like this voluntarily closing it's doors that makes me worried. Think about what the newspapers will have to say about this. They'll all pat eachothers' backs and go "we did it! mental health problems are no more!" and it makes me worried what'll happen now if someone found out I was on here. Would I go to prison for using an illegal website? I don't want to go to prison for something as lame as that!

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

It's also very sad , you are the only one who managed to see the scars even if it was out of jealousy, it wasn't even the case of them "screaming" harder than you and getting the help you were supposed to get via cutting harsher than you and getting recognition before you (it happens with a lot of things not only self harm, trust me, I know), you were both ignored anyways, it sucks, people don't give a shit, as you said, they'd close this site and have a "we did it reddit" moment.

 

[beandigger404]

Hey— I completely understand where you are coming from and I definitely relate as someone who has also been struggling with self-harm. I also get really jealous of other people's scars and cuts. But heres the catch. You won't feel valid or satisfied even when you cut deeper and have lasting scars. All it does is push the benchmark of what is "bad enough", sort of like an anorexic getting thinner and thinner with 0 satisfaction no matter how much weight they lose. Things only get more dangerous and incredibly risky the deeper you go, and it gets much harder to quit cutting the worse you get. I cut to fat and had transfusions and I still feel like the fakest attention seeker ever. I'll look at someone with shallower and smaller marks and genuinely feel like they look worse than mine. Scars from deeper cuts also have a tendency to contract to like 1/2-1/5th of their OG size to minimize the amount of weaker tissue. I feel horrible about my scars because they don't look nearly as bad as they used to and it's a terrible cycle to be trapped in :( . Best thing to do is quit altogether because it's seriously not worth it. Your urges to go deeper and do more harm will only get worse as you escalate. Speaking as someone who went from "I was lasting scars" to "I hope I cut an artery and never walk again". I've written a more in-depth paragraph about this, I'd recommend you check it out here!

For the last part, it's not the best idea to ask someone about their self-harm scars. It can trigger someone trying to recover and make them feel really shitty about their permanent scars. Especially if you are not particularly close with the person. You don't know their boundaries.

Please take care of yourself. I hope you find your peace some day and recover

 

[Holu]

I personally never understood why people like to share their scars. I'm sensitive about mine. I intentionally only cut stomach and upper chest because it's harder to notice.

I can understanding wanting attention, especially when you feel like you need it. That's normal. But even still I can't personally see myself showing off SH scars to someone who would be concerned about them. I just worry about what they would do in response.

 

[Cauliflour]

I personally never understood why people like to share their scars. I'm sensitive about mine. I intentionally only cut stomach and upper chest because it's harder to notice.

If I could live in a world where I could wear short sleeves and nobody would ask me "Oh My GoD aRe YoU oKaY??" then I would gladly let my scars be exposed. If I did that though then my parents would make me have a talk and they'll consider getting a therapist more and more and I don't want a therapist nor talk about it because it's not out of depression or anything, there's nothing to fix.

I can understanding wanting attention, especially when you feel like you need it.

it wasn't even the case of them "screaming" harder than you and getting the help you were supposed to get via cutting harsher than you and getting recognition before you (it happens with a lot of things not only self harm, trust me, I know), you were both ignored anyways

Personally I don't want any attention to my scars. Not because the questions would trigger some deep trauma, but because I know they won't believe me and won't leave me alone about it while they look for the supposed "real reason". I literally told my mum why I cut (for fun) and she still thinks it's some kind of anxiety thing so what's the point.

This makes me feel so lonely. Even on sasu of all places I've found it very hard to find people like me. Every media thing on self harm is from people who have problems. All the memes, social media posts, people on here. Nobody really gets why I do the things I do so trying to talk about it is exhausting. At least here I get somewhat decent answers and not just a hotline number.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Personally I don't want any attention to my scars. Not because the questions would trigger some deep trauma, but because I know they won't believe me and won't leave me alone about it while they look for the supposed "real reason". I literally told my mum why I cut (for fun) and she still thinks it's some kind of anxiety thing so what's the point.

I see, I should have asked, I too just made a threat 2 days ago called "anyone know how to inflict pain on you without breaking organs or bones"? It's not that I too find self harm fun, but it's probably the only ways I can feel alive anymore, sorrow and pain always stay a longer time than any happy feeling, the rest of my days are numb so I find solace in sleep deprivation, headaches, doom scrolling, emotional pain most of the time. So it was pretty dumb of me to assume that in your case you were looking for the most common thing that is requested by people who perform self-harm (attention, edit: attention , as in help), sorry.