Oblivion Access
I don't know anything
- Jul 5, 2019
- 333
Upon reflection, despite whatever hardships I face, relative to a lot (most?) of you here, I am quite a privileged individual: I have a place to eat and sleep even though I don't work, and from my teens onwards almost everyone I've encountered meant me no harm (bad influences I willingly and knowingly indulged in aside), particularly the people I've had the fortune of getting close to were decent and concerned with my wellbeing. All those relationships fell through as they either couldn't deal with my instability and self-destructiveness, justifiably cut me out because I was being a cunt, or I cut them out or failed to keep in touch when I lost interest - which happens disturbingly easily, it shocks me how quick I am to discard a bond when it's judged as being too much effort (brainrot from lifelong exposure to instant gratification + moving around a lot exacerbating existing narc tendencies?)
None of this is to minimize my plight, I do suffer a lot still, even if it's mostly self-inflicted, just a recognition that many would kill for some of the things I've been fortunate to have. Too bad that amongst them is the realization that all the struggle is unnecessary and inflicted on me because 2 fools fucked. Why prolong something I never asked for, which has little or negative value to me? I don't care if others benefit from me staying alive, I care about if I do.
Too much effort. Life is too much effort for too little return. Putting what I know to be true into practice is the hardest part. If suicide, even via something as simple as ordering SN, N or F online was easier, I'd no doubt be dead already. That's what I'm always after - the path of least effort, which for now has been atrophying in bed. Not an awfully rewarding one, but it spares me from work, the outside world and listening to people's problems (ironic given how much time i spend reading posts on this site). I've been meditating a lot on death again - equal parts harrowing and liberating, though jury's still out on how useful it'll turn out, either way it's improving my attention span and offers reprieve from browsing the same 4 sites 24/7.
Imagine if instead of therapy you could have an expert read your SS posts, more of a joke suggestion but living in a world so suicide stigma-free where it's possible would be cool. I'm flirting with the idea of attempting recovery just to move out, and have money for N, F or H and CTB without having to hide. Seems like a lot of effort just to die, but I don't wanna half-ass the last thing I do - not super keen on talking my way out of a grippy sock jail again. Or I might just order SN soon, teehee, I'm sooo random!!!
Cheers. Relish reading this wordvomit, for it was meant for the void, not thine eyes.
None of this is to minimize my plight, I do suffer a lot still, even if it's mostly self-inflicted, just a recognition that many would kill for some of the things I've been fortunate to have. Too bad that amongst them is the realization that all the struggle is unnecessary and inflicted on me because 2 fools fucked. Why prolong something I never asked for, which has little or negative value to me? I don't care if others benefit from me staying alive, I care about if I do.
Too much effort. Life is too much effort for too little return. Putting what I know to be true into practice is the hardest part. If suicide, even via something as simple as ordering SN, N or F online was easier, I'd no doubt be dead already. That's what I'm always after - the path of least effort, which for now has been atrophying in bed. Not an awfully rewarding one, but it spares me from work, the outside world and listening to people's problems (ironic given how much time i spend reading posts on this site). I've been meditating a lot on death again - equal parts harrowing and liberating, though jury's still out on how useful it'll turn out, either way it's improving my attention span and offers reprieve from browsing the same 4 sites 24/7.
Imagine if instead of therapy you could have an expert read your SS posts, more of a joke suggestion but living in a world so suicide stigma-free where it's possible would be cool. I'm flirting with the idea of attempting recovery just to move out, and have money for N, F or H and CTB without having to hide. Seems like a lot of effort just to die, but I don't wanna half-ass the last thing I do - not super keen on talking my way out of a grippy sock jail again. Or I might just order SN soon, teehee, I'm sooo random!!!
Cheers. Relish reading this wordvomit, for it was meant for the void, not thine eyes.
