It's just all so much.

[RaccoonTrash]

I've been feeling down for years but it's just all hitting so hard lately, the knowledge that my issues aren't fixable, that anything I do is going to tear my friend's lives apart, I just wish I could make everything okay so that their lives will be okay. I've long since cared about my own life, but I'm too embedded in the lives of people I care about for it not to cause some form of collapse.

I wish my life didn't turn out this way, I wish I wasn't a ticking time bomb waiting to blow up the lives of everyone I love and hold dear, I wish they would have met or known anyone but me so that I could have just found the strength to ctb earlier, or to have my previous attempts succeed. I don't want to be alive anymore and every moment I spend living just delays inevitable suffering. It's just all so much

 

[Julgran]

We as members of this community will support your decision - no matter what you decide to do.

If I may ask, what has led you to this conclusion? The though of hurting other people by ending my life is one reason for me to stick around a while longer, as well, so I know that it's hard for you

 

[RaccoonTrash]

We as members of this community will support your decision - no matter what you decide to do.

If I may ask, what has led you to this conclusion? The though of hurting other people by ending my life is one reason for me to stick around a while longer, as well, so I know that it's hard for you

I desperately don't want to hurt them, but my deepest regret is getting to know them and finding small pockets of happiness while helping them grow themselves, I don't really have many options in my life that don't involve them being hurt even if it means I am still alive.

It's only a further driving factor for me to be honest, I feel like ending my life would be the better thing, but the horrible feeling of it possibly causing some to follow me out is horror beyond words for me.

 

[Julgran]

You are definitely describing a difficult situation, and I wish for you to find the right path for you.

As for myself, I have no intention of revealing my ideations to anyone close to me, but how you tried to explain your situation to your friends? I don't mean to say that that would solve any of your problems, or even that it would be a good idea, but maybe it can releave you of some of the anxiety.

 

[ket]

it's difficult when you tell your close friends about being suicidal and they aren't mad or disappointed with you, but just tell you they'd be crushed if you killed yourself. like yeah, fuck, I know, I'm sorry, but what am I supposed to do?

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, it is such a painful feeling wishing that things were different. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I wish you the best whatever happens.

 

[RaccoonTrash]

I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, it is such a painful feeling wishing that things were different. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I wish you the best whatever happens.

It was just always inevitable, it's something that should have been well and dealt with so long ago. Carrying on has just put them in harms way and I see my end as being better off for them even if the immediate pain will hurt immensely.