Curlyfried
Member
- May 19, 2020
- 29
My SN is here. My morphine pills are here. I ordered more drugs to experiment with before I die, but to be honest I don't think I can even wait another week for them to all arrive.
I wish I didn't have to do this. But my heart hurts so fucking bad I literally can barely even stay awake. I just want to sleep or be high all day.
I'm 22 and I have no siblings, and my parents are 64 years old. I'll be leaving them with no one to take care of them. That's what fucks with me the most but at the same time I feel like I can't just suffer every day for the sake of keeping them from being sad.
My mental health is fucked, mainly because I was abused in every single way as a child, but also because my adolescence was awful too. I have everything. Like I'm actually diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar, OCD and I'm also on the autism spectrum. I've been depressed for almost my entire life.
Every time I get my heart broken I end up like this. Contemplating whether or not I want to live and risk enduring the ridiculous pain that is heartbreak over again. The only time I was truly happy was the year and a half I was with my girlfriend. I loved her more than I loved myself. When I actually ctb I will go into detail about what happened but not on this post.
I think what makes me different from others is that I love too hard. When someone shows me love all I want to do is just give it back. It's hard for me to stop loving someone even if they stop loving me. I don't understand how human beings can just fall in and out of love with each other without being permanently traumatized. I genuinely don't think I can bear to see someone else love my ex. And if I do gather my shit together and move on this will just happen again. I'll love someone more than I love myself, get my heart broken and the contemplate suicide for months and ruin my life in the process. I can't risk having that happen again.
Memories of my childhood abuse are starting to emerge from my subconscious too. It's weird how being suicidal changes the human brain. I have memories of being beat and whipped that I never knew existed. My brain must have pushed them away. But now they're coming back.
My guess is that I will take my dose of SN within the next 4 days. I will make a post here when the time comes.
I wish you all the best. God loves all of you
I wish I didn't have to do this. But my heart hurts so fucking bad I literally can barely even stay awake. I just want to sleep or be high all day.
I'm 22 and I have no siblings, and my parents are 64 years old. I'll be leaving them with no one to take care of them. That's what fucks with me the most but at the same time I feel like I can't just suffer every day for the sake of keeping them from being sad.
My mental health is fucked, mainly because I was abused in every single way as a child, but also because my adolescence was awful too. I have everything. Like I'm actually diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar, OCD and I'm also on the autism spectrum. I've been depressed for almost my entire life.
Every time I get my heart broken I end up like this. Contemplating whether or not I want to live and risk enduring the ridiculous pain that is heartbreak over again. The only time I was truly happy was the year and a half I was with my girlfriend. I loved her more than I loved myself. When I actually ctb I will go into detail about what happened but not on this post.
I think what makes me different from others is that I love too hard. When someone shows me love all I want to do is just give it back. It's hard for me to stop loving someone even if they stop loving me. I don't understand how human beings can just fall in and out of love with each other without being permanently traumatized. I genuinely don't think I can bear to see someone else love my ex. And if I do gather my shit together and move on this will just happen again. I'll love someone more than I love myself, get my heart broken and the contemplate suicide for months and ruin my life in the process. I can't risk having that happen again.
Memories of my childhood abuse are starting to emerge from my subconscious too. It's weird how being suicidal changes the human brain. I have memories of being beat and whipped that I never knew existed. My brain must have pushed them away. But now they're coming back.
My guess is that I will take my dose of SN within the next 4 days. I will make a post here when the time comes.
I wish you all the best. God loves all of you
