It's gone

[Redt2go]

Sometimes I get really frustrated when my desire to ctb leaves because of a small glimmer of hope. For example I've been incredibly lonely and content with dying then my friend offered to hook me up and it's gone. But I know that even at my happiest I wanted to CTb. It feels like false hope. Does this happen with anyone else?

 

[Dead Meat]

No, I know there's no hope left for me

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I've lived in that state for years. But at the end, I've ended up in a situation where I don't see anything good happening to me in the future. Everything is just plain dim now. Footlights turned off forever, and I'm actually fine with it.

 

[Redt2go]

I figured it out. I'm becoming manic again. Now we wait for the eventual downfall back into depression.

 

[Final Escape]

Sometimes I get really frustrated when my desire to ctb leaves because of a small glimmer of hope. For example I've been incredibly lonely and content with dying then my friend offered to hook me up and it's gone. But I know that even at my happiest I wanted to CTb. It feels like false hope. Does this happen with anyone else?

Yes, this is why I haven't ctb yet and just not having a method on hand that is a simple, guaranteed, quick, painless just yet.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Very rarely. It has to be an extraordinarily perfect moment for me to think "wow, I'm really glad I didn't do it yet."

It still happens maybe 10 times a year. For about a minute each. So 10 minutes out of 365 days. That's what I'm living for. Rotten ass deal that needs to be terminated.

 

[21Neberg]

I recognize that feeling! Though even at my happiest there is always that dark cloud, wheter its small or large, of suicidal thoughs looming over my head.

Whenever I do feel a bit better though, I usually don't cut. so i guess i sometimes do want to live. thats weird.

 

[Jen Erik]

my desire to ctb leaves because of a small glimmer of hope

Me, too. This is my true, major obstacle, and I imagine it will continue to be, I fear how I am ever going to be able to deal with it. I always try to deflect away from it because I hate feeling this way, it feels embarrassing for me, and my excuse is invariably something flimsy like, "oh, I haven't found precisely the exact right chair to sit in to maximize my last moments of comfort and minimize interference with success". I suppose mostly because I haven't really tried, in earnest, to find a proper chair; but I know even that is some half-baked rationalization.

 

[cu1len]

I have that feeling sometimes with my sister or my boyfriend but not any other times. At those times it feels like I'm actually happy again, and I can for get about ctb. But later it comes back, worse than before