Venting It's difficult navigating life knowing my best option is to die

[kunikuzushi]

It's difficult navigating life knowing my best option is to die.

My instincts tell me to keep living. Even while I'm being tortured and in severe mental anguish every day of my life.

People around me shove it down my throat that I absolutely must keep living no matter what, under any circumstances. The most important thing is to survive. It disgusts me.

Every mental health professional I interact with constantly asks me if I can keep myself "safe" until the next time I see them. I always lie and say yes to avoid hospitalization. But maybe I'm not lying because being dead is the safest thing.


I'm stuck between staying alive and giving myself peace in death. I seek mental health help, but it's only to slightly reduce my pain. It's not for me to recover. There's nothing for me to recover from. I feel pain because I despise existence itself. I hate that I was brought into existence to experience suffering, and most importantly, loss. I will lose everything I once had, and that is unbearable to me. This can't be cured. So the only option is death. I just wish I was never brought into existence so I wouldn't have to force death upon myself.

 

[Uncounted1846]

I know exactly what you mean. I had a realization a few years ago that therapy would never be able to fix the fact that my family is awful. I still go, knowing it won't do much, because it's an hour for me to talk about me. But my desire to CTB has grown with therapy, not lessened.