Venting it's been a year and i barely feel better i don't know what to do with myself

[socrates.]

i'm on meds now. i haven't been self harming as much as i have around this time a year ago. but im still suicidal, mostly passively but still. im tired of wanting to die. i want to want to live but i dont know how. last time i admitted to being suicidal i got one of those mandatory interventions and it just made me better at hiding it tbh.

does the fact that i'm still alive, that i haven't killed myself yet, make me weak or strong? i don't know what comes next because i never intended to make it this far.

i have therapy on wednesday and the idea
makes me nervous but i wrote something out to say: "I have a lot of suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to open up to family or friends about them because I don't want a dramatic intervention and I hate how they fuss over me"

and we'll see what happens. if i say i'm passively suicidal im probably going to get a dramatic intervention anyway but at this point it's been a year with minimal improvement and i know i need the help but im scared.

i just feel hopeless man

 

[ijbolijbol8979]

The road to recovery is rough, and definitely long.
But I feel like the fact that you're still here makes you strong. You're so strong! I'm proud that you're getting the necessary help and seeking it through! I'm proud of you, okay? Sending so many hugs and love

 

[onlyway96]

It takes so much strength to get through each day when you're suicidal, we're dealing with thoughts and feelings most people can't comprehend. There's no weakness in that