Venting It's all so tiresome

[Nanako]

This happens to me whenever I'm hit with the realization that I can't escape the horrible situation I find myself in: I start to feel like I'm on the verge of having a panic attack. The panic attacks never actually come though, but I do experience the "intial stage" of it, then it slowly begins to subside. It frightens the fuck out of me.
I used to have panic attacks semi-regularly a couple of years ago - when I first started having suicidal thoughts-, and haven't really had any since then, but now it feels like they're slowly coming back; they're just not as effective (for now, I guess). It makes sense given that I'm starting to have those strong suicidal thoughts again.
The worst part about this is that I just can't fucking accept that this is how it has to be for me. My condition is incurable, it impairs my ability to do what I love and there's no way to work around it. Deep down I know this, but I continue to lie to myself by trying to ignore these shortcomings and by distracting myself with trivial garbage, and by doing so I'm able to put myself in an ok state of mind, for a while at least, until I'm inevitably hit by a dose of reality again and forced to face this nightmare. I know for a fact that after I post this and an hour or so has passed, I'll just repeat this cycle again. It's hellish.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so horrible, it is painful when things are hopeless. It sounds awful what you have to go through, no one should have to suffer like that. I wish you the best.

 

[deathgripsme]

Life is really 99% pain and suffering, i'm really sorry you've had to go through all of this.
Feel free to message me if you ever want a chat.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Having to accept disabilities and impairments that we've been struck with as a result of illnesses is a fate that no one should have to envision. I understand your suffering.

I wanted to be a scientist, to travel the world, to make friends, to be loved, and here I am, reduced to a husk because walking causes me pain and my body can't produce enough energy to function. I hear you. Life punishes us cruelly for no reason.