Venting It seems like the universe just wants me to ctb, even though I am trying to stay alive.

[BlueButterfly111]

I know I'm probably not the only one who feels this way, and people are going to say it's just life, but sometimes it just feels like I'm constantly tortured by life for no reason.

I thought that I finally found a job because they said that I was hired, and then they said they needed to do a background check first. It's been 10 days now and still no call from them, I know I have a clean record, so idk why it's taking so long when it should only take a few days in my area. Anyway I called back to check on it today, and the manager told me to call back in the morning.

Now you won't believe this one, I thought I had found a potentially really great job a few days ago, they asked me to accept the job offer and I accidentally declined the background check so she said that she couldn't hire me. I know what you're thinking I'm so stupid for that, but I swear to God I did NOT MEAN TO DO THAT!!!! I accidentally clicked something now I won't have the job, and it seemed like a really great job as well.

I was getting so excited to tell my mom and my friend, now I'm just gonna disappoint them and myself. I just want a job, I can't even make this stuff up, I swear I am losing my mind!

On top of that I am doing all of this without my deceased boyfriend who I miss so much. It feels pointless to do all of this without him even though I want to be independent. I am so alone and scared, I have severe anxiety, depression, and I think I have adhd and ocd on top of that! One reason I am trying to do all of this is so I can afford to get a car so I can drive myself to therapy and so I can get the help I need. No one will help me get the mental help that I need, if I don't do this I won't get any help.

My brain is literally hurting so much, I try to drink to cope with the loneliness and stress, but even drinking isn't really helping anymore. I'm just so sad, I don't want to die yet, but I don't know what else to do. I don't know how much longer I can take this, my mental health is getting to a severe point and idk how much longer I will be able to do this.

 

[timf]

It sounds like you have a dynamic personality . If this is the case you may find yourself wanting to operate at a faster speed than the rest of the world seems to go. This can require you to fill the extra time with things you like or that interest you. If you are at present filling your extra time with alcohol, the deadening effect is difficult to sustain as you have observed.

Rather than deadening, using the snipets of extra time might be more rewarding if used do do something you enjoy. My son goes to chess.com to kill a few minutes playing a game of chess with someone.

 

[DownwardSpiral]

Hey you basically got the job, so that means you can do it again right? Try not to beat your self up over a simple mistake, you're under a lot of stress and also the online systems they use these days are overcomplicated. You're doing great I think. I struggle just to apply for jobs because I overthink too much and my last work experience was terrible which I don't want to repeat. Take some time for yourself too, that is so much suffering you are going through. Nobody can be expected to function properly in your circumstances. I can't imagine how it feels and even with my privileged life I feel like I can't go on much longer either.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Hey you basically got the job, so that means you can do it again right? Try not to beat your self up over a simple mistake, you're under a lot of stress and also the online systems they use these days are overcomplicated. You're doing great I think. I struggle just to apply for jobs because I overthink too much and my last work experience was terrible which I don't want to repeat. Take some time for yourself too, that is so much suffering you are going through. Nobody can be expected to function properly in your circumstances. I can't imagine how it feels and even with my privileged life I feel like I can't go on much longer either.

No, because she said that she would see what her team lead could do about it, I thanked her and apologized for the mistake, then never heard back from her again. That was a few days ago, so I think I fucked up, I keep trying to tell myself that maybe the job just wasn't for me instead of beating myself up about why I would do something so stupid. I genuinely didn't mean to do it and idk why it happened, so the job search continues I guess….