Venting It never gets better

[gnomeboy17]

I'm just constantly stuck in this neverending loop of ups and downs, and whenever I try to explain it people are like "oh that's normal" but I went from literally wanting to kill myself, to being so glad I didn't, back to wanting to die.

Sometimes this loop happens in an hour, a day, or even a week but the happiness rarely lasts long.

My time is soon.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I think what you are experiencing is very relevant to how how old you are. As younger adults, emotions tend to be more volatile so experiencing ups and downs as you described could be normal. That tends to stabilize as you grow older. Not that I am saying things get better always or even most of the time but yeah alot of things factor in this outcome and one of them can be age

 

[Snake of Eden]

I dont think i said anything to warrant an angry emoji but I genuinely didnt mean to make you feel like that. I wish you well

 

[motel rooms]

I'm just constantly stuck in this neverending loop of ups and downs, and whenever I try to explain it people are like "oh that's normal" but I went from literally wanting to kill myself, to being so glad I didn't, back to wanting to die.

Why do you want to die?

 

[Chronicillness]

Life for some us unlucky humans is composed of many different forms of 24/7 sensory suffering, and you'd think a ratio of 99:1 of suffering to pleasure would be enough for the mind to radically spur the growth of unique brain architectures, neural connections and shape shift to program us for a more silenced survival instinct, because the organism is no longer capable of endogenously synthesizing positive sensory inputs, but cruelly enough, the diametrically opposite is true:

―The more we suffer, the more suicidal ideation, but the instinct to survive, something that we are usually unaware of, actually starts materializing a persona of its own, prioritizing its needs above all else―impersonating itself as one of your personality traits, in order to deal you delusions of hope and terror, all so you don't fold your cards prematurely and CTB.

My psyche's current configuration and pattern of thinking are sickening. Logically―my life is over. Nothing is left but inexplicable torment; and it's filled with progressively worsening luck and financial burden. But the brain... the mind, my PSYCHE, which I wish I could summon in human form and strangle to death, they all continue to perpetuate my existence, without my consent.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that must be very tiring and painful when the positive feelings do not last long. For the most part, life is just suffering and I know it can be a dreadful feeling when things never get better. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[motel rooms]

Life for some us unlucky humans is composed of many different forms of 24/7 sensory suffering, and you'd think a ratio of 99:1 of suffering to pleasure would be enough for the mind to radically spur the growth of unique brain architectures, neural connections and shape shift to program us for a more silenced survival instinct, because the organism is no longer capable of endogenously synthesizing positive sensory inputs, but cruelly enough, the diametrically opposite is true:

―The more we suffer, the more suicidal ideation, but the instinct to survive, something that we are usually unaware of, actually starts materializing a persona of its own, prioritizing its needs above all else

Is that a (scientific) fact or just a generalization of your experience?

 

[Snake of Eden]

Is that a (scientific) fact?

I asked them in PM to start a new thread about their experience with SI. I too am curious about this. I just dont want this personal thread to be derailed

 

[Chronicillness]

Is that a (scientific) fact or just a generalization of your experience?

I'm just authoring my experience. The opposite from what I said is actually true. The more depressed you are, the more likely you are to kill yourself. And the rate at which you terminate your own consciousness, is determined by the severity of the pathological alterations that tend to occur in specific brain regions and the overall functions of those specific brain tissues after they have been morphed/deregulated for the worse. Most completed suicides have: "suicide markers," or "brain alterations that are solely consistent with suicidal intent, ideation and completion." Take the habenula, for example:

Altered Static and Dynamic Functional Connectivity of Habenula Associated With Suicidal Ideation in First-Episode, Drug-Naïve Patients With Major Depressive Disorder
Down-regulation of habenular calcium-dependent secretion activator 2 induces despair-like behavior
Altered Static and Dynamic Functional Connectivity of Habenula Associated with Sucidal Ideation in First Episode, Drug Naive Anorexic Patients

I was simply just writing out how dumbfounded and frustrated I am with my own survival instinct, and its desperate and illogical attempts to keep me alive with intense fear and false hopes.

The science on post-mortem suicide completionists' brain matter are quite fascinating and a silo of neuroscience worthy of study and further examination.

 

[gnomeboy17]

Why do you want to die?

Several reasons, mostly because I'm trans (ftm) my parents don't accept my relationship with a man, I'm struggling with the pressure of uni and working and trying to plan my future even though I don't really want one.

 

[NotStrongEnough]

Several reasons, mostly because I'm trans (ftm) my parents don't accept my relationship with a man, I'm struggling with the pressure of uni and working and trying to plan my future even though I don't really want one.

Goddamn if I don't feel this in my bones.