This is one of those situations where i have to decide if this is actually what i wanted or if I'm just blindly rolling with the punches. I spent the last 8 years living with some friends. As the years went on we grew apart and for the past 3 months I've lived with my sister in an apartment of our own. At first it was an exciting prospect but i knew, since it's my worldview, she'd leave too and i shouldn't get my hopes up for anything long term. Part of me hoped she would somehow inspire a change in me to be more active.
Nope. We both exist in our rooms and that's been it. I wanted solitude and I've been getting lots of it. We only task through text and she's always out with her boyfriend (which good for her, she just left a bad husband and is already moving on.)
But i asked her yesterday if she was still planning on sticking around, in July we were planning on moving again, as this place blows and isn't worth the rent.
She doesn't really plan to. She's going to move in with her boyfriend. So I'm going to move into a studio by myself. I keep thinking this is it, this is my opportunity to live alone to see how it is. But at the same time I'm aware I'm only alone because i put myself here. I never offered enough to anyone to be worth sticking around for. Maybe this is a sign that it's time. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, but i don't think i should be feeling anything. If this is what i wanted, being alone, i should be as happy as a pig in slop,but why do i feel abandoned in a way? How can i just stop being so needy? Nobody owes me anything, nobody has to save me. It's not anyone's job to try and pick me up, especially if i don't want it. But is it wrong to want to be worth it? Knowing i haven't put that forward?
Nope. We both exist in our rooms and that's been it. I wanted solitude and I've been getting lots of it. We only task through text and she's always out with her boyfriend (which good for her, she just left a bad husband and is already moving on.)
But i asked her yesterday if she was still planning on sticking around, in July we were planning on moving again, as this place blows and isn't worth the rent.
She doesn't really plan to. She's going to move in with her boyfriend. So I'm going to move into a studio by myself. I keep thinking this is it, this is my opportunity to live alone to see how it is. But at the same time I'm aware I'm only alone because i put myself here. I never offered enough to anyone to be worth sticking around for. Maybe this is a sign that it's time. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, but i don't think i should be feeling anything. If this is what i wanted, being alone, i should be as happy as a pig in slop,but why do i feel abandoned in a way? How can i just stop being so needy? Nobody owes me anything, nobody has to save me. It's not anyone's job to try and pick me up, especially if i don't want it. But is it wrong to want to be worth it? Knowing i haven't put that forward?
