It is impossible to kill myself

[Phoenix]

Last year I made 4 suicide attempts all of which failed due to the police being called the moment I left the house and them finding me quickly.

I ordered N in the summer which was subsequently found as my room was searched as my family were suspicious by the package arriving.

Ive began planning again however today I left the house for a meeting to return to discover my room had then again been searched. Although there was nothing to be found how am I ever going to be able to plan, order/buy things when I'm on this constant suicide watch that I can't seem to escape?
I'm trying to get my own accommodation but I'm getting nowhere fast.

I feel completely trapped and forced to live.

 

[Crusader]

I wouldn´t keep such things in my room. Try to find another hiding place outside the house. I don´t know how old you are. But may be you can rent a mailbox to receive things there.

 

[Moegetaku]

Aren't there multiple times when you can be alone? Or just get someone else to purchase the N for you and keep it with them and just say you are going to a friend's house or something. Trust me you'll be able to do it. Atleast you took a step ahead.

 

[WornOutLife]

Failed 3 times here.
Feel totally trapped, just like you.

I hope things can get better somehow for both of us.

Hugs!

 

[Infinite Conscious]

If you have enough money and the means to purchase N, you are indeed blessed and you shouldn't worry.
No one can stop you in achieving what YOU REALLY want.
Just keep a low profile (don't talk about it or admit anything to anyone), so you won't be taken to a mental health institution.
It is just a matter of the right moment, so try to enjoy this certainty that very few people here have.
Good luck.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I'd get a PO Box and a safety deposit box if you can.

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

Being on suicide watch must be one of the worst feeling one can get. Imagine being a prisoner in your own home.

 

[Phoenix]

Being on suicide watch must be one of the worst feeling one can get. Imagine being a prisoner in your own home.

Yes basically. I don't even have access to my own car keys

If you have enough money and the means to purchase N, you are indeed blessed and you shouldn't worry.
No one can stop you in achieving what YOU REALLY want.
Just keep a low profile (don't talk about it or admit anything to anyone), so you won't be taken to a mental health institution.
It is just a matter of the right moment, so try to enjoy this certainty that very few people here have.
Good luck.

I think you misread. My N was found and confiscated. That money and means have now gone

 

[Deathbydemo]

How does anyone think this is going to help you, by literally controlling you? This is awful. I hope you find a way out of this situation. Especially if you are an adult. This is no way for anyone to live. I get your family being worried for you, but this is so overbearing to the extreme.

 

[Echo81]

Last year I made 4 suicide attempts all of which failed due to the police being called the moment I left the house and them finding me quickly.

I ordered N in the summer which was subsequently found as my room was searched as my family were suspicious by the package arriving.

Ive began planning again however today I left the house for a meeting to return to discover my room had then again been searched. Although there was nothing to be found how am I ever going to be able to plan, order/buy things when I'm on this constant suicide watch that I can't seem to escape?
I'm trying to get my own accommodation but I'm getting nowhere fast.

I feel completely trapped and forced to live.

Get a storage unit and keep your stuff there. Or a locker in a gym or bus station and you just change the locker location periodically. Dig a hole in your yard and or get a hollowed out garden frog or troll and hide stuff in there. Tape a package under your bathroom sink- like if it's not stand alone sink and has a cabinet way cool place to hide stuff.

 

[Phoenix]

How does anyone think this is going to help you, by literally controlling you? This is awful. I hope you find a way out of this situation. Especially if you are an adult. This is no way for anyone to live. I get your family being worried for you, but this is so overbearing to the extreme.

It's horrible I am literally being forced to live for my families own happiness. And they say suicide is selfish?
Im 29 this year, very much an adult. Suicidal since the age of 7