Juice WRLD said something similar. It is all (only) in my head.
I had a very wild ride today once again. A lot of overthinking and analyzing. My brain fucking melts. It is insane how strong these thoughts can trigger extreme emotions. My mood swings are insane. I did not do something stupid. I have seen through that delusion this girl had a crush on me. I mean it even sounded for me as too far-fetched. Like she would love me despite my mental illness. There were some problems with that. I am not living in a fucking fairy tale. Moreover most people don't really know much about mental illness. Tbh I think the people around me at college should be able to notice that something is not alright with. I am acting kind of weird. Though luckily we live in a society where barely anyone gives a fuck about people like me. Either I get a laugh for my behavior or most people ignore it.
I mean it is insane being a sentient being who is able to reflect about his/her behavior. My mind is incredibly fucked. I have so many mental problems. My whole behavior is completely pathological. My conditions don't give me a room for breathing. I am not sure how I shall describe it. In my native language there is the word "zerfahren". It can be translated with scatty or absent-minded. It feels like there was a lot chaos in my brain. And always in this emergency state.
It is extremely difficult to handle my responsibilities at college. I have extreme expectations on me. Though sometimes I am just glad I don't start shouting or crying in public that I want to kill myself and how desperate I am. Concerning love my brain gives me way too often false hope. And I feel like a complete idiot afterwards. I just hate everything. The only things I am glad about: I can deceive some people into thinking I was smart. And I like my weight, parts of my outer appearance. I am considering going from atypical anorexia to simple anorexia. I don't know it is a way how to feel like I had control over my life. I am a control freak and I need that. Though weighting even less might won't look very good. And I would need new clothes what I absolutely don't want.
To the title there is one thing I also had in mind. This quote from David Foster Wallace:
"It is not the least bit coincidental that adults who commit suicide with firearms nearly always shoot themselves in...the head. And the truth is that most of these suicides are actually dead long before they pull the trigger."
I think he wanted to say that their mind is torturing them. And I can relate to that a lot. I have the desire for not being a sentient being anymore. If I could get a new healthy brain I would consider it. But fuck my brain is way too fucked. I want to escape this torture and pain. It is all so absurd and I am fighting so hard. My life is like really thrilling. But it rather a fight for survival. And like a race which condition will be the first one to force me to commit suicide.
I had a very wild ride today once again. A lot of overthinking and analyzing. My brain fucking melts. It is insane how strong these thoughts can trigger extreme emotions. My mood swings are insane. I did not do something stupid. I have seen through that delusion this girl had a crush on me. I mean it even sounded for me as too far-fetched. Like she would love me despite my mental illness. There were some problems with that. I am not living in a fucking fairy tale. Moreover most people don't really know much about mental illness. Tbh I think the people around me at college should be able to notice that something is not alright with. I am acting kind of weird. Though luckily we live in a society where barely anyone gives a fuck about people like me. Either I get a laugh for my behavior or most people ignore it.
I mean it is insane being a sentient being who is able to reflect about his/her behavior. My mind is incredibly fucked. I have so many mental problems. My whole behavior is completely pathological. My conditions don't give me a room for breathing. I am not sure how I shall describe it. In my native language there is the word "zerfahren". It can be translated with scatty or absent-minded. It feels like there was a lot chaos in my brain. And always in this emergency state.
It is extremely difficult to handle my responsibilities at college. I have extreme expectations on me. Though sometimes I am just glad I don't start shouting or crying in public that I want to kill myself and how desperate I am. Concerning love my brain gives me way too often false hope. And I feel like a complete idiot afterwards. I just hate everything. The only things I am glad about: I can deceive some people into thinking I was smart. And I like my weight, parts of my outer appearance. I am considering going from atypical anorexia to simple anorexia. I don't know it is a way how to feel like I had control over my life. I am a control freak and I need that. Though weighting even less might won't look very good. And I would need new clothes what I absolutely don't want.
To the title there is one thing I also had in mind. This quote from David Foster Wallace:
"It is not the least bit coincidental that adults who commit suicide with firearms nearly always shoot themselves in...the head. And the truth is that most of these suicides are actually dead long before they pull the trigger."
I think he wanted to say that their mind is torturing them. And I can relate to that a lot. I have the desire for not being a sentient being anymore. If I could get a new healthy brain I would consider it. But fuck my brain is way too fucked. I want to escape this torture and pain. It is all so absurd and I am fighting so hard. My life is like really thrilling. But it rather a fight for survival. And like a race which condition will be the first one to force me to commit suicide.
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