It always feels like something gets in the way. (AHHHH!) This is the last time I’m delaying ctb.

[Mr. Incapable]

Do you ever feel like as soon as you make plans to CTB, suddenly something comes up or gets in the way?

My birthday is on Friday, tomorrow, and yesterday after having several anxiety attacks about not wanting to see another birthday, getting older, anxiety surrounding how desperate I am to ctb, how my life is falling apart day by day, financial worries, housing worries, becoming a burden on my family etc etc, I decided yesterday that I would attempt to ctb today or tomorrow. The pressure feels high enough, my anxiety and stress is peaking.. it just feels like the right time with the right emotions to be able to do it. But then what happens? Things get in the way by someone I just can't say no to. My sister. She's persuading me to stay at hers on Friday, just to hang out, get a takeaway and watch the new episode of Stranger Things as she knows I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I tried to cancel but she also says she wants me to stay on Saturday to cat sit as she's going to be away until the next day as there's no one else to look after the cats. AND THEN she needs me to stay Monday and Tuesday also because she has to fly out of the country for work for those two days. my sister is my best friend and the cats are one of the greatest loves of my life, and although I feel the way that I do, want to ctb as much as I do, I feel like it would be so unfair, inconvenient, and in some ways but not completely a little selfish for me to ctb right before that. If it was any other person I would care less.. so I feel like at this point I'm kind of forced by my own conscience to grit my teeth and bear life for a few more days.. as much as I don't want to I'll have to endure my birthday and then from the Wednesday morning I should be good to just get it done with finally

 

[The_Flying_Fox]

But at least it doesn't seem to be fear that is holding you back. You seem to have the courage to do it. I wish I was as far as you in that respect.

 

[dirtnap]

It's nice that you and your sister are close. It's great that you can spend your last few days with someone who loves you, enjoying similar interests. Plus you get to feel the warm love of the cats . Hopefully that brings you some comfort on your birthday and the days ahead.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it can be difficult to make plans as life is unpredictable and things can easily get in the way of our plans. I believe that many people just ctb when the time feels right for them and they get desperate to leave, rather than trying to stick to a set date. I can imagine that it must be frustrating being in that situation. This life really is so awful and I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I wish you relief from suffering.