is this really all that life has to offer?

[lawlietsph]

just venting and idk...
so first of all, my financial situation is bad. i was unemployed for a long time, and now I only work a part time job since january.
for the longest time my biggest dream was to buy a specific shampoo (yes I am a woman), it is a kinda expensive shampoo, around $30. now, after months of working, I was finally like "you know what? i think if I buy it now, it will be fine and I'll still have money left".
so I was about to buy it, but then this awful feeling came...
let's say I buy this shampoo now.
i will be excited for 2 days, until it arrives here. then I will probably unpack it, smell it, enjoy it for 20 seconds. but then, I know I will be just as miserable and just as fucking pathetic, ugly, broke and unhappy as I was before that shampoo.
nothing makes sense and nothing is worth a goddamn thing.

when I pictured my dream life, it was on a tiny farm, nothing fancy. chickens, horses, cats and dogs, garden and silence.
now when I think about it, all I feel is the misery when you loose a pet. the pain and the struggle and the financial burden of owning pets. it actually makes me more suicidal now. i don't want to have pets anymore, it hurts too much. my sister is extremely irresponsible, she adopted a lot of cats, dogs and a pony. only I take care of them now, nobody else.
my whole youth was wasted, while I was trying to take care of these animals. i hate every single second of it now. i am left alone financially and physically to take care all of them and I am exhausted.

i love these animals like they are my children or something and I would burn myself alive for them, but I can't do this anymore. i can't really explain the whole situation because my english is not good enough for it, but currently i am sacrifising my entire life for these animals and i've lost all my 20s for them. i've had enough.

i never lived how I wanted to. this is a fucking prison and there is no way out of this.

basically the whole point of my thread is that no matter what I would do, I would still be unhappy as hell. because nothing makes any sense. even if the whole animal situation would be solved tomorrow, I wouldn't know what to do, where to go. people are making me sick, materialistic things don't worth nothing. i want nothing and there is no escape

the weight i am carrying every single day is too heavy and there is no help. now my brain is turning towards hanging instead of sn.

sn is too much of a problem for me
i just want to be gone quickly
why can't I do it? why am I just a fucking coward? the exhaustion guys, I can't even describe how exhausted my soul is. taking care of animals is a 365 day/year kinda thing. there was NOT a single day in the past 8 years where I didn't do it. animals who i didn't wanted in the first place, they were bought here by my fucking sister. every single goddamn day, twice a day.
365x2 a year.
feeding them, cleaning them, giving them drink, taking them to the vet, buying special food, spending money money money money money on them. being there for them in their last weeks. and then make the decision about euthanasia. watching them die. watching them sick. medication... food... medication...food... vet... call the vet... call the farrier...go buy them food it's almost gone...now they are too cold..now they are too hot... now they look depressed...now they hurt their legs... go to the vet...call the vet... the horse has laminitis again... call the vet... the horse is biting me...okay, go away and count to 10 now...oh fuck the cat food is not enough...go to the vet...shit the horse needs an expensive supplement...OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
this with a part time-salary... fun... twice a day, 365 days a year, for 8 years now. no break, being sick with Lyme disease? who cares? bleeding for 8 days? who cares? the animals need to eat and drink, it doesn't matter if you are dying
my fucking sister, oh how I hate her for what she has done to me.
now I love these animals too much to ever give them away... i tried and I got a mental breakdown, I couldn't do it.
prison
fucking prison
i am going insane

it was not about the shampoo btw

 

[enjoytheride]

What a situation to be in - between the love for the animals and the resentment, the financial burden, the lack of personal life... So sorry.

I totally understand why you wouldn't give any of the animals up. Is there a chance an NGO volunteers could come and help you with the care and also financially? In some countries that would be possible.

Also, some animals' upkeep is more expensive than others, so perhaps you could give these animals away to a sanctuary where you would be able to visit and spend time with them? I am thinking horses.

Even if you don't see it now, maybe getting some of the weight off your shoulders would have a positive effect on you and your outlook on life. When we are depressed, we think within a box, a dark box. I know this is at least valid for me, for sure. And it can be a helpful exercise to imagine not how things could stay bad or get worse, but imagine how things would look if they got better.

I know the feeling of wasted years all too well. But then I remember that in the end, it is pure social pressure. E.g., spent 5 years picking oranges for a job when I had a Sociology degree. But actually, if I wasted them professionally, I don't think I wasted those 5 years personally, the time I spent with different people - some of the most genuine and caring people... Our lives are much more than one or two dimensions.

P.S.: Is there a way to get your sister to help you? Have you discussed this with her?

P.S.: You are still on time to get your dream life one day, even if it takes years. Life can start 30, life can start at 40, life can start at 50 - whenever you say it can start again. All the previous years are training and experience for the real deal.

 

[thereisnoneed]

just venting and idk...
so first of all, my financial situation is bad. i was unemployed for a long time, and now I only work a part time job since january.
for the longest time my biggest dream was to buy a specific shampoo (yes I am a woman), it is a kinda expensive shampoo, around $30. now, after months of working, I was finally like "you know what? i think if I buy it now, it will be fine and I'll still have money left".
so I was about to buy it, but then this awful feeling came...
let's say I buy this shampoo now.
i will be excited for 2 days, until it arrives here. then I will probably unpack it, smell it, enjoy it for 20 seconds. but then, I know I will be just as miserable and just as fucking pathetic, ugly, broke and unhappy as I was before that shampoo.
nothing makes sense and nothing is worth a goddamn thing.

when I pictured my dream life, it was on a tiny farm, nothing fancy. chickens, horses, cats and dogs, garden and silence.
now when I think about it, all I feel is the misery when you loose a pet. the pain and the struggle and the financial burden of owning pets. it actually makes me more suicidal now. i don't want to have pets anymore, it hurts too much. my sister is extremely irresponsible, she adopted a lot of cats, dogs and a pony. only I take care of them now, nobody else.
my whole youth was wasted, while I was trying to take care of these animals. i hate every single second of it now. i am left alone financially and physically to take care all of them and I am exhausted.

i love these animals like they are my children or something and I would burn myself alive for them, but I can't do this anymore. i can't really explain the whole situation because my english is not good enough for it, but currently i am sacrifising my entire life for these animals and i've lost all my 20s for them. i've had enough.

i never lived how I wanted to. this is a fucking prison and there is no way out of this.

basically the whole point of my thread is that no matter what I would do, I would still be unhappy as hell. because nothing makes any sense. even if the whole animal situation would be solved tomorrow, I wouldn't know what to do, where to go. people are making me sick, materialistic things don't worth nothing. i want nothing and there is no escape

the weight i am carrying every single day is too heavy and there is no help. now my brain is turning towards hanging instead of sn.

sn is too much of a problem for me
i just want to be gone quickly
why can't I do it? why am I just a fucking coward? the exhaustion guys, I can't even describe how exhausted my soul is. taking care of animals is a 365 day/year kinda thing. there was NOT a single day in the past 8 years where I didn't do it. animals who i didn't wanted in the first place, they were bought here by my fucking sister. every single goddamn day, twice a day.
365x2 a year.
feeding them, cleaning them, giving them drink, taking them to the vet, buying special food, spending money money money money money on them. being there for them in their last weeks. and then make the decision about euthanasia. watching them die. watching them sick. medication... food... medication...food... vet... call the vet... call the farrier...go buy them food it's almost gone...now they are too cold..now they are too hot... now they look depressed...now they hurt their legs... go to the vet...call the vet... the horse has laminitis again... call the vet... the horse is biting me...okay, go away and count to 10 now...oh fuck the cat food is not enough...go to the vet...shit the horse needs an expensive supplement...OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
this with a part time-salary... fun... twice a day, 365 days a year, for 8 years now. no break, being sick with Lyme disease? who cares? bleeding for 8 days? who cares? the animals need to eat and drink, it doesn't matter if you are dying
my fucking sister, oh how I hate her for what she has done to me.
now I love these animals too much to ever give them away... i tried and I got a mental breakdown, I couldn't do it.
prison
fucking prison
i am going insane

it was not about the shampo btw

Odd how you are so attached to the animals yet very burdened by them, i Guess it's not that different than being a struggling single mom of many children

 

[lawlietsph]

What a situation to be in - between the love for the animals and the resentment, the financial burden, the lack of personal life... So sorry.

I totally understand why you wouldn't give any of the animals up. Is there a chance an NGO volunteers could come and help you with the care and also financially? In some countries that would be possible.

Also, some animals' upkeep is more expensive than others, so perhaps you could give these animals away to a sanctuary where you would be able to visit and spend time with them? I am thinking horses.

Even if you don't see it now, maybe getting some of the weight off your shoulders would have a positive effect on you and your outlook on life. When we are depressed, we think within a box, a dark box. I know this is at least valid for me, for sure. And it can be a helpful exercise to imagine not how things could stay bad or get worse, but imagine how things would look if they got better.

I know the feeling of wasted years all too well. But then I remember that in the end, it is pure social pressure. E.g., spent 5 years picking oranges for a job when I had a Sociology degree. But actually, if I wasted them professionally, I don't think I wasted those 5 years personally, the time I spent with different people - some of the most genuine and caring people... Our lives are much more than one or two dimensions.

P.S.: Is there a way to get your sister to help you? Have you discussed this with her?

P.S.: You are still on time to get your dream life one day, even if it takes years. Life can start 30, life can start at 40, life can start at 50 - whenever you say it can start again. All the previous years are training and experience for the real deal.

Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me.
I live in Hungary which is a small, poor country, I don't think we have these volunteers or any similar things.
You know 2-3 months ago I found a small horse farm nearby and I even talked to them, I made the decision to bring my pony there. But before it was time for her to go, I became totally insane. The amount of panic, anxiety, depression i've felt was actually so horrible, I can't even describe. The thought of maybe not seeing her everyday, not being there if something is wrong has made me go insane. I was literally insane.
The place is 20-30 minutes far away by bus (I don't have a car, nor a drivers licence). I was thinking how I would be waiting for the bus in the steaming hot summer and the cold winter, how I will be smelling like horses, being dirty on the bus, etc... Also I would've had to pay a lot for them to take care of my horse and of course for the bus tickets. It didn't felt right at all. I found one more place but it's even further away and there is not even a direct bus line there. I couldn't do it, so I cancelled the whole thing in the last minute. Not to mention my pony has special needs: she can't eat grass in the spring, can't eat too much of anything basically, she takes medicine 3x a day every single day, etc...

Everything feels weird and hopeless. My sister will not help me, she is narcissistic and doesn't care about anyone but herself. I begged them, all my family members to help me, but they never do. I've had a breakdown many times in front of them, I told them how they ruined my life and to please help me, but they refuse to do so. Two of my family members are pure narcissist, the rest are... i don't even know. Just unreliable.

You know for example. I've met a guy online and he wants me to come and meet him this weekend. I want to go so bad, but i've had to say "no, because the animals will starve to death". I can't even tell you how many times i've had to say no to things. I haven't left this village for years, only to go buy food in the nearest city. I am in a prison and there is no way to escape.

It truly feels hopeless. I tried to find a way out, made Facebook posts, asked if someone could please give my horse a place to stay, but only got responses from really far away.
I am like okay, let's start by making the drivers licence. But even if I do it, buying a car is almost impossible for me. And now I have to decide what to spend the money on... If I start the drivers licence, then I will not have money for going to the doctor (because I most likely have thyroid and hormonal diseases). Now I have to decide which one is more important.
Me finally getting the medical care I need, me having a drivers licence, or save all the money just in case something happens with one of the animals and they need a vet.

Hopeless. I am exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, so so so so exhausted. Sorry for the very long response. I know it's hopeless, I don't know why I keep talking because nothing will change

Odd how you are so attached to the animals yet very burdened by them, i Guess it's not that different than being a struggling single mom of many children

yes it's weird. I love them unconditionally, like a mother does. i think it's motherly love and it's really not healthy. wish I could stop feeling it honestly.

 

[bankai]

I was looking at my Amazon purchase history for 2024. 180 items.

But I've just bought 7 items in 2025 so far.Buying stuff just doesn't make us happy.

I wasn't even consciously trying to stop buying stuff, it just happened. Pretty surprising.I'm starting to become more minimalist as of late.


I think it's wonderful of you to take care of these animals with such love and affection. However, if it's starting to overwhelm you, I would understand putting them up for adoption?Please put yourself first.