chelpus
just wishing to be happy with her forever
- Feb 20, 2026
- 5
I used to see death as the final, ultimate liberation from suffering. I don't believe in the kind of afterlife or other concepts that religions suggest, as I believe religions, afterlives, spirits, and etc are concepts that we have made up as a way for us to not descend into insanity when faced with the unknown. We know that once we die, there will be nothing, all the memories and feelings that we once had, will cease to exist, as all of these are tied to our physical brain. However, it's impossible to truly wrap our heads around that nothingness, and we try to fill in the void and make sense of what is incomprehensible by making up concepts such as what religions suggest. For many, the concept of not existing can be terrifying, while there are some (including myself) who view this as a way to put an end to everything and finally get to rest once and for all.
I think most of us here share a common reason for ending up in this forum, and that is because we're tired and we are looking to rest. For me, I am tired of everything that life has put me through, and I no longer see a future where any of these would get better. My life has been pretty much driven by luck, down to my very existence, and how I still have the capability to type what I am typing right now.
As SaSu member @SummerTrip puts it,
"You can study, work, whatever 24/7 and get nowhere simply because you weren't at the right place at the right time, or missed something that seemed unimportant."
Every second of our existence is a gamble, there is a chance that I may not finish typing this as I may suddenly get a heart attack, or perhaps even spontaneously combust. The same goes for you, whoever is reading this. By continuing to exist, we keep playing in this game of gambling, hoping that whatever our future is going to be, will be a good one that makes us satisfied and happy enough to be comforted with what we end up having. However, some are not as fortunate as others, and even I consider myself to not be so lucky. Some of us have gotten tired to keep playing this game of gambling, and wishes to stop. And the only ways to stop is to either run out of luck and lose everything we can bet in this casino (dying naturally, waiting for death to knock on our doorsteps), or to simply step out of the casino on our own accord (killing ourselves), but even if we go on with the latter, we would still lose everything and not get to keep what we have chosen not to bet, because well... I guess the casino is a big scam.
By no longer playing this game of gambling, we get to finally rest. If I kill myself at this very moment, everything that was once tied to me would cease to exist. All the years of memories I once had, the emotions I've felt, the thoughts and ideas I've came up with, the desires I once had, such as this desire to cease to exist, will all be gone. My identity, everything that makes up who I am, would all be reduced to nothingness. It feels peaceful to imagine simply not being here in this world, to no longer be bothered by anything, and to embrace the nothingness that I once had before my mother gave birth to me. For a while, this idea has made me no longer fear and simply accept death. I've been ready to be claimed by death any time, I've been ready to go back to wherever I used to be before I was given birth to this world. I found comfort in the idea of death, strengthened by this quote that I once found pretty badass too,
"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
- Mark Twain
But as time went on, that quote has been starting to become what terrifies me. Because I've been starting to wonder, if I had already been dead, and I had already been within that state of nothingness for who knows how long, but I was suddenly born into this world and has been given life, then how could I be sure that the same wouldn't repeat again, and I wouldn't end up in another life where I would suffer a billion times more than I am right now? Doesn't my own current existence disprove the idea that the nothingness can be eternal? How can I be sure that I would get to finally rest forever when death comes for me?
I've been looking for answers to my questions, and I had been reading through posts within this forum, in hopes that it would give me more insight. While I had not found answers, I've eventually came across this post about what unconsciousness is like, and the comments made by other SaSu members within it: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-is-unconsciousness-like.235903/
Unconsciousness is described to be complete nothingness. Those who had experienced being put under anesthesia describe it as closing their eyes for a short moment and then suddenly opening their eyes to when a few hours had already passed, while those who had gone unconscious during a failed suicide attempt describe unconsciousness in a similar way, as member @VegasLyra puts it, "It was a direct jump from putting the rope around my neck to being on the ground in pain."
This has given me the realization that time is subjective, it only exists because I'm here to experience it, it exists because I do. The passage of time is a prison that I am put through by my own existence. If I no longer exist, an eternity can pass in exactly zero seconds. If being unconscious to waking up is like nothingness to something, an instant fast-forward to the time when there is something, then would death be the same? It feels nice to embrace an answer of "No, it would not be the same. Because it would be a fast-forward to the end of the universe, and the end of reality itself. Therefore, you would be in eternal rest." But isn't my own birth already an example of a fast-forward from complete nothingness to something? Doesn't my existence prove that something can come out of nothing? Looking back to how long it has been since I hadn't existed feels like it has been an eternity, the same as when I look forward to how long my rest would be when I die, but if the eternity that I had once was broken, then who's to say it can't be broken again?
If I ever regain consciousness or life after dying, I would have my identity completely stripped away from me. I would not have memories of who and what I used to be in the previous cycle, and I would be given an entirely new identity within a world that would probably be vastly different from where we currently exist. But doesn't the existence of this godforsaken world where it can be full of suffering, give chances for a life within a world that is a billion times worse to exist? A world where I may suffer greater than I currently am?
Sisyphus is a figure from Greek mythology who is forced to push a huge boulder up a hill, but every time he reaches the top, the rock falls back down, forcing him to start again, over and over. If consciousness does repeat, then I would become Sisyphus. The act of pushing the boulder up a hill would be equivalent to living, it falling back down would be the equivalent to dying, except when it has fallen back down with me and I start to push it back up, I would not have memory that I had already gotten to push it up before. Philosopher Albert Camus, in his work The Myth of Sisyphus, has came to the conclusion that "One must imagine Sisyphus happy."
But how could I, as Sisyphus, be happy, if my current desire to cease to exist and to leave this world I suffer in, is proof that Sisyphus can indeed never be happy?
Every second of my life is a game of gamble, a game that I am tired of playing, but if I would be forced to play another game when I stop with what I currently play, a new game that could be worse than what I currently play, then I think to myself, should I quit playing this game of gambling when quitting is also a form of gambling? Or should I hold onto what I currently play, despite of how unlucky I may be?
I think most of us here share a common reason for ending up in this forum, and that is because we're tired and we are looking to rest. For me, I am tired of everything that life has put me through, and I no longer see a future where any of these would get better. My life has been pretty much driven by luck, down to my very existence, and how I still have the capability to type what I am typing right now.
As SaSu member @SummerTrip puts it,
"You can study, work, whatever 24/7 and get nowhere simply because you weren't at the right place at the right time, or missed something that seemed unimportant."
Every second of our existence is a gamble, there is a chance that I may not finish typing this as I may suddenly get a heart attack, or perhaps even spontaneously combust. The same goes for you, whoever is reading this. By continuing to exist, we keep playing in this game of gambling, hoping that whatever our future is going to be, will be a good one that makes us satisfied and happy enough to be comforted with what we end up having. However, some are not as fortunate as others, and even I consider myself to not be so lucky. Some of us have gotten tired to keep playing this game of gambling, and wishes to stop. And the only ways to stop is to either run out of luck and lose everything we can bet in this casino (dying naturally, waiting for death to knock on our doorsteps), or to simply step out of the casino on our own accord (killing ourselves), but even if we go on with the latter, we would still lose everything and not get to keep what we have chosen not to bet, because well... I guess the casino is a big scam.
By no longer playing this game of gambling, we get to finally rest. If I kill myself at this very moment, everything that was once tied to me would cease to exist. All the years of memories I once had, the emotions I've felt, the thoughts and ideas I've came up with, the desires I once had, such as this desire to cease to exist, will all be gone. My identity, everything that makes up who I am, would all be reduced to nothingness. It feels peaceful to imagine simply not being here in this world, to no longer be bothered by anything, and to embrace the nothingness that I once had before my mother gave birth to me. For a while, this idea has made me no longer fear and simply accept death. I've been ready to be claimed by death any time, I've been ready to go back to wherever I used to be before I was given birth to this world. I found comfort in the idea of death, strengthened by this quote that I once found pretty badass too,
"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
- Mark Twain
But as time went on, that quote has been starting to become what terrifies me. Because I've been starting to wonder, if I had already been dead, and I had already been within that state of nothingness for who knows how long, but I was suddenly born into this world and has been given life, then how could I be sure that the same wouldn't repeat again, and I wouldn't end up in another life where I would suffer a billion times more than I am right now? Doesn't my own current existence disprove the idea that the nothingness can be eternal? How can I be sure that I would get to finally rest forever when death comes for me?
I've been looking for answers to my questions, and I had been reading through posts within this forum, in hopes that it would give me more insight. While I had not found answers, I've eventually came across this post about what unconsciousness is like, and the comments made by other SaSu members within it: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-is-unconsciousness-like.235903/
Unconsciousness is described to be complete nothingness. Those who had experienced being put under anesthesia describe it as closing their eyes for a short moment and then suddenly opening their eyes to when a few hours had already passed, while those who had gone unconscious during a failed suicide attempt describe unconsciousness in a similar way, as member @VegasLyra puts it, "It was a direct jump from putting the rope around my neck to being on the ground in pain."
This has given me the realization that time is subjective, it only exists because I'm here to experience it, it exists because I do. The passage of time is a prison that I am put through by my own existence. If I no longer exist, an eternity can pass in exactly zero seconds. If being unconscious to waking up is like nothingness to something, an instant fast-forward to the time when there is something, then would death be the same? It feels nice to embrace an answer of "No, it would not be the same. Because it would be a fast-forward to the end of the universe, and the end of reality itself. Therefore, you would be in eternal rest." But isn't my own birth already an example of a fast-forward from complete nothingness to something? Doesn't my existence prove that something can come out of nothing? Looking back to how long it has been since I hadn't existed feels like it has been an eternity, the same as when I look forward to how long my rest would be when I die, but if the eternity that I had once was broken, then who's to say it can't be broken again?
If I ever regain consciousness or life after dying, I would have my identity completely stripped away from me. I would not have memories of who and what I used to be in the previous cycle, and I would be given an entirely new identity within a world that would probably be vastly different from where we currently exist. But doesn't the existence of this godforsaken world where it can be full of suffering, give chances for a life within a world that is a billion times worse to exist? A world where I may suffer greater than I currently am?
Sisyphus is a figure from Greek mythology who is forced to push a huge boulder up a hill, but every time he reaches the top, the rock falls back down, forcing him to start again, over and over. If consciousness does repeat, then I would become Sisyphus. The act of pushing the boulder up a hill would be equivalent to living, it falling back down would be the equivalent to dying, except when it has fallen back down with me and I start to push it back up, I would not have memory that I had already gotten to push it up before. Philosopher Albert Camus, in his work The Myth of Sisyphus, has came to the conclusion that "One must imagine Sisyphus happy."
But how could I, as Sisyphus, be happy, if my current desire to cease to exist and to leave this world I suffer in, is proof that Sisyphus can indeed never be happy?
Every second of my life is a game of gamble, a game that I am tired of playing, but if I would be forced to play another game when I stop with what I currently play, a new game that could be worse than what I currently play, then I think to myself, should I quit playing this game of gambling when quitting is also a form of gambling? Or should I hold onto what I currently play, despite of how unlucky I may be?
