Is anyone else worried that they might never gather the willpower to do it?

[malcontent]

I'm quite passive with life and the thought of actually committing the deed gives me anxiety, like the actual process of it. I'm worried that I might never be able to do it. I would appreciate people sharing their experiences if they relate.

 

[timetofly]

This bothered me in the past, not anymore. Being passive doesn't hurt, just let your life push you either to recovery or to a happy ending.

 

[SadJessu]

Definitely. The thought of being dead brings both anxiety and a sense of peace for me.

 

[Soulless Angel]

I was very nervous in the hour leading up to my attempt, I was literally in the toilet every 5 mins, my anxiety was insane, but when it came to the moment I was going to, I have never felt so calm as i did then, the feeling was just amazing. There was no survival instinct nothing, just god damn stupid interfering people :(

 

[_Minsk]

I wish i could just die in a car accident or something out of my control

 

[Blueman]

This is the problem I don't feel I have the willpower to do anything at all.
Feeling I've little to live for in my current situation but though I spend a lot of time on here and think about methods I can't imagine ever having the willpower to ctb so am just stuck

 

[TheQ22]

This is the problem I don't feel I have the willpower to do anything at all.
Feeling I've little to live for in my current situation but though I spend a lot of time on here and think about methods I can't imagine ever having the willpower to ctb so am just stuck

This is partly why i'd like to not do it alone, I think having someone else there means I'm less likely to back out, I don't know why there's any worry about taking the final step, most of the time I know I'll have no problem, sometimes the thought of doing it is too surreal.

 

[the witch’s lament]

having tried to CTB in the past, there was a time when I felt the willpower to do it. but in the years since then, I've lost the willpower to do pretty much anything in life. at this point it may be the only thing I'm willing to do. I do wish it would just happen though, in an accident or in my sleep.

 

[noname223]

My psychologists gave me up and think i gonna ctb. Sooner in my life. I am the opposite. I rather fear that they are right lol. Povery wil make me ctb.

 

[Rue89]

I've backed out each time because of anxiety. I think I'm finally getting the willpower to push through it, but the fear that I won't is definitely still there.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Yes, it feels like a prison. All peaceful methods (N, CO, SN, inert gas) are highly inaccessible. So we're left with a handful of grim choices all of which entail high risk, high pain, or both. And for me, if I don't find a way out, I know that agony awaits me in later life, and I don't deserve that, nobody does. There's no easy way out, and that needs to change.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I know I can do it as I've had previous attempts, but this time I just can't get the courage. I don't know why, I have nothing to live for, nothing to keep me on this earth, but I just can't do it.

 

[XYZ]

For various reasons involving both my personality and my mental/physical disabilities, I am afraid I will never be able to ctb. I think about suicide and wish for death every second of every day.

I am afraid I will be here until the last grain of sand in the hour glass of my life has fallen down.

 

[Lastsauce]

All peaceful methods (N, CO, SN, inert gas) are highly inaccessible.

CO and inert gas are both easily accessible or did you mean those are inaccessible to you personally ?

 

[Superdeterminist]

CO and inert gas are both easily accessible or did you mean those are inaccessible to you personally ?

For me personally they're difficult to get.

 

[FewerMoats]

I'm quite passive with life and the thought of actually committing the deed gives me anxiety, like the actual process of it. I'm worried that I might never be able to do it. I would appreciate people sharing their experiences if they relate.

I'm 38 and haven't had the balls yet.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm 48. I honestly don't know if I will feel anxiety when it's count down time. I can say this- I ordered my SN yesterday. I could not stop smiling. I had all this pent up happiness. I've wanted to CTB for 3 years-this time. From age 12-20 I wanted to and tried and failed. My mom and bro, sis in law and 3 nephews all moved into my house. So I ordered my SN and had peace & happiness for the first time in 3 years. I went to the bathroom and my mom was waiting to get in to take a shower. She tried to talk to me about something and all of a sudden I started laughing. This burst exploded and I am jumping up and down laughing. She said whats wrong? you are laughing? I pointed up and said I'm going I'm going! my son passed in a car accident 3 yrs ago at 25 yrs old. I don't want to be here without him. I believe in my afterlife I will be reunited with him. So last night my mother wanted to talk about why I was laughing. 3 years I have cried and sat in my bedroom. 3 years all I say is I want my son, I want to die and go to him. I told her I found help to peacefully take me to my son, J. It was actually a great conversation because she now realized how destroyed I am without him. She now KNOWS I will never find a sliver of happiness in life. We discussed my house and pets it was great.

 

[Marauder]

I was very nervous in the hour leading up to my attempt, I was literally in the toilet every 5 mins, my anxiety was insane, but when it came to the moment I was going to, I have never felt so calm as i did then, the feeling was just amazing. There was no survival instinct nothing, just god damn stupid interfering people :(

What method did you use? Pills? I really looking forward to ctb with gunshot to head as the most efficient way but I didnt manage to pull the trigger. It is very hard to overhelm. Maybe im afraid of missing the brainstem and becoming vegetable or I just need to use more "hummane" way to ctb.

 

[Soulless Angel]

What method did you use? Pills? I really looking forward to ctb with gunshot to head as the most efficient way but I didnt manage to pull the trigger. It is very hard to overhelm. Maybe im afraid of missing the brainstem and becoming vegetable or I just need to use more "hummane" way to ctb.

Jumpin is my option. I was close last night too too many people around
. Have done a thread on it

 

[mellow]

I'm passive too. I fantasize about dying passively / naturally, in a heatwave or snowstorm, thermonuclear event, hiking in Arizona in the summer... suicide is so violent. I think of that Dorothy Parker poem. Hopefully having a partner will make it easier to go through with

 

[YellowSneakers]

Yes. I don't want to suffer any longer, both mentally & physically, but I'm struggling to gather the enormous emotional strength needed to execute such a monumental task.

 

[BetterInthanOut]

I'm afraid that when the time comes to do it that I'll call for help without being able to think it through and then come round and regret it. SI is strong, doesn't take logic into account, that worries me

 

[deadbeat]

Yes, but I'm mainly worried about it not working or being found beforehand. I don't have money to buy the method I prefer and I live in a full house, so I can't really do anything right now anyway. If I knew what I was doing would be peaceful I don't think I'd have a lot of trouble going through with it.
I consistently fantasize about being killed in some sort of accident, or getting ill and just not doing anything about it. If only...

 

[headspin]

Yes, it feels like a prison. All peaceful methods (N, CO, SN, inert gas) are highly inaccessible. So we're left with a handful of grim choices all of which entail high risk, high pain, or both. And for me, if I don't find a way out, I know that agony awaits me in later life, and I don't deserve that, nobody does. There's no easy way out, and that needs to change.

yes!!!

 

[FuneralCry]

For me, ctb is very difficult because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. More than anything I wish that it was easier to leave, all that I want is to peacefully pass away. To me, it is horrifying the thought of this life going on for many more decades. I am scared of never being able to ctb, I wish that we lived in a world where our right to die is respected.

 

[nikaido]

I'm quite passive with life and the thought of actually committing the deed gives me anxiety, like the actual process of it. I'm worried that I might never be able to do it. I would appreciate people sharing their experiences if they relate.

There's not a single day when I don't think about doing it. I've been wanting to do it since a long time, but I haven't been able to find a good enough method. I stumbled upon this website and found the SN method, I purchased everything that I need for it, now my only problem is gathering the willpower to CBT. It's tough...

 

[eLdus]

I'm quite passive with life and the thought of actually committing the deed gives me anxiety, like the actual process of it. I'm worried that I might never be able to do it. I would appreciate people sharing their experiences if they relate.

I feel exactly the same. I am physically very unwell and desperate to be at peace. I do not feel afraid of being dead but the actual process of dying terrifies me. I don't want to suffer through those final moments, or be aware that it is happening. I wish I could just turn myself off like a light switch.

 

[Hans Voralberg]

Yes, it feels like a prison. All peaceful methods (N, CO, SN, inert gas) are highly inaccessible. So we're left with a handful of grim choices all of which entail high risk, high pain, or both. And for me, if I don't find a way out, I know that agony awaits me in later life, and I don't deserve that, nobody does. There's no easy way out, and that needs to change.

Exactly my thoughts at this moment. I feel you.

 

[knowheretorun]

I am generally very pessimistic and I believe that the act of killing your own self has valid reasons - even if it's an impulsive decision for most, but when it comes to it, basic survival instincts hold me back. It's also because the more accessible methods are generally risky and painful (falling from a building, getting hit by a train) or hard to pull off (SWB).

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

This is related to my initial post on the site.

I'm so sick of this internal conflict and hesitation. I put myself in this situation, therefore I should just get on with it! I haven't gotten anywhere by moaning, bitching, or complaining.

If I'm not capable of improvement, what other option do I have?