Intuitive annoyance towards everyone around me is worsening my quality of life, a lot

[oneirataxia]

I hate or am at the very least deeply annoyed by most people, and this includes people who have done nothing morally wrong. This isn't something I try to force, this isn't an enjoyment I have for cattiness and gossip, and this hatred of people isn't an imagined quality I like to adhere to myself in order to upholster an "edgy," "deep," "thoughtful," "beautifully troubled" persona. This is an emotion I feel on a guttural, intuitive level whenever I am around someone with qualities that trigger said emotion. One that I usually keep to myself because I don't like being rude to people, but one that I feel deeply and unignorably.

I notice that I will most often feel this way towards people within my age bracket (middle of Generation Z) and younger. Older people, whenever they're not writing pseudointellectual thunk-pieces about what went wrong with us, love to claim that we are this unique, creative, innovative generation. I really feel like we are anything but. When thinking about all my peers that I have held in-depth conversations with in real life, I am deeply put off by the fact that I have seen their every personality trait, their every interest, their every speaking mannerism, their every wisecrack, their every opinion, and their every means of coming to align with said every opinion, 1:1 verbatim somewhere on social media. After I spend long enough getting to know someone, I can very easily understand what "side" of the Internet they came from, and what social media app they most likely spend the most time on. It feels as if I've beat an RPG and the characters around me have run out of lines of dialogue, and they just keep repeating the same conversations over and over.

Today, I went to this small local event that was being held for anime fans because one of my friends wanted me to go there, and I met a young person around my age that my friend wanted the both of us to hang out with there. Dyed hair with piercings. Ita bag full of anime merch. Kandi jewelry. Keychains and trinkets hooked up to the belt loops on their jeans. Strawpage in Discord bio with a collage aesthetic and lengthy DNI criteria. "Hyperfixation" on Hatsune Miku. I was kind and sociable to them the whole time and never said anything mean. But in the back of my head, all I could think to myself was, "I've seen your each and every personality quirk within thousands of other people before." I felt a deep, unnerving, unignorable disconnect between me and the other person, and felt completely unable to relate to them. The other people I met there weren't really any better. Lots of My Melody and Kuromi girls and people decked out in Demon Slayer cosplays, lots of millennial "witchy" women.

The only people I have ever truly been able to connect and relate to have been online. One of the only people I have ever genuinely cared about, loved and felt a deep sense of familiarity with, I lost after a long and nasty line of events, and I lost after essentially being put up to embarrass myself by someone I trusted with my life in a deeply vulnerable state of mind. I'm not alone, but I feel very alone, and would rather talk to no one at all than talk to the people I have to talk to in real life. I feel less lonely alone. I constantly feel cynical, unfulfilled and empty. I've noticed that in particular situations in my life, I've more and more often found myself saying something to the effect of "it doesn't matter"/"I don't care." I feel unable to care and unable to stop spacing out, dissociating and hating the world of today, and the people I know within it. I tried to bring myself to embrace the people and world around me. I sincerely don't think I can. I have no one with whom we can both actualize ourselves together. I exist in a cold, meaningless vacuum, and have no real reason for living. I feel completely and utterly hollow.

 

[Hollowman]

Very relatable.

 

[FF777]

wow a person that yaps as much as i do..
but i've always hated this world because to me it seems like it is a planet of (can i use the R word in this place?) complete rejects and it has driven me crazy in all the years i've had to live here.. lately i think some people refer to it as the "competency crisis", where it's like no one knows how to actually do any thing........

i was lucky enough though when i was in school to have found a group of friends that i got along with really well, and i was with those friends for lots of years and it helped a lot socially.. i think it's hard to find real life friends that end up connecting really well with you.. actually i've found several people from the internet before and had them move to my place from a completely different state and me and them lived in a big house together for several years before we kind of all went our separate ways (one person in there was one of my school friends though) (oh yeah and one of my friends from school ended up suiciding by jumping off of a bridge)..

just from reading your post it sort of almost sounds like you are too "high level" for the friends you are meeting or some thing.. um, like are they too dumb to where you can't just have fun with them any way?.. even if they are from one side of the internet or an other, who even cares really?..

i don't know what your life or career are like in your life, but if you can find projects or goals to work on or towards i think it helps you to find purpose and motivation.. that's sort of what video games are in a microcosm sense.... it's like a person is sitting there bored in their house (people aren't really made to just sit and do nothing exciting in their life all the time) and so video games kind of give them an easy way to have a goal and project to work on and progress towards.. And so, i'm not suggesting you to play video games, but if you can find some type of project, like maybe in areas of stuff you are interested in, then it might help distract from you being lonely or bored or some thing..

it's weird that in a world with so many people it is so hard to find good friends that you connect well with.. people are like puzzle pieces and some times you compromise and settle for friends that are kind of mid-tier (as far as connecting with your own puzzle piece shape) because you can't find any one better.. and it feels kind of cringe to use apps to find friends... wait are there even apps like that that are just for finding friends and not for dating?....... i know there are some like "meet up" sites i think, but i've never even tried to use them.. i dunno, it's kind of a tough situation when you can't find good friends to rock out with..

P.S.: i kind of felt sorry for you that you typed all that and then no one even replied (well i guess that one person technically did now)....... i think some times a lot of people type out their whole feelings like that, trying to at least find some one out there in the universe that at least can sort of understand what they are going through.... and so it's kind of sad to see scenarios where no one responds at all to some one pouring out their feelings and soul.. so i want you to know that i read your whole thing and you seem a few levels cooler than the average person and you probably have tons of potential to do awesome things in your life (i like empowering people and trying to lift them up) and there are probably cool people out there some where if you keep looking maybe that you can be cool friends with even if you have to find them on the internet like i did and end up being room-mates with them in real life..

 

[oneirataxia]

just from reading your post it sort of almost sounds like you are too "high level" for the friends you are meeting or some thing.. um, like are they too dumb to where you can't just have fun with them any way?.. even if they are from one side of the internet or an other, who even cares really?..

We can get along and meet up and do stuff together IRL, but I just intuitively feel like there isn't room for a deeper relationship as I'm too deeply put off and bothered. Another thing, for instance, is that the "Do Not Interact" list of the kid I'm talking about contains such meaningless non-issues like "enjoying problematic media..." like why do you care so much? (I know the answer; their environment forced said care upon them.)

It isn't really that they are "dumb," though the shallowness is part of it (it feels like most hobbyists these days approach their fixations very shallowly and mostly just waste time on their phones doing nothing.) It's that they all operate in a homogenous way that is static, narrow-minded and resistant to growth. I know there isn't potential for a deeper friendship because the "weird"/"otakuish" types in my area are overzealous idiots with whom I'm going to have to walk on eggshells around, forever. None of them really even like anime or video games or anything of substance that much, they just watch or play whatever's popular at the moment and then spend the rest of their time arguing about whatever astroturfed hot-button issue is making rounds on their favorite social media time-wasters. I'm always going to have to make note of what it is and isn't okay to say around them, and I'm always going to have to lie on order to placate them. This extends far beyond basic politeness and into all-consuming and anxious self-censorship about my hobbies, ideas and interests. We can engage in small talk and casual conversation. But anything beyond that serves as a breeding ground for endless arguing about superficial nonsense that has no bearing on the real world, with a predetermined winner, i.e. the other party for assuming a nonsense "moral high ground."

We can only get along on a superficial level that is detrimental to the both of us, and that fact makes me feel much lonelier and much worse than simply going out by myself, or staying at home watching anime/partaking in any hobby I have that I feel like. I retain a modicum of self-expression but in many other ways am constantly prefacing and self-censoring in front of peers--not out of shame, lack of confidence or embarrassment for what I am, but for fear that others will harm and ostracize me if I say something perceivedly "wrong."

and it feels kind of cringe to use apps to find friends... wait are there even apps like that that are just for finding friends and not for dating?....... i know there are some like "meet up" sites i think, but i've never even tried to use them.. i dunno, it's kind of a tough situation when you can't find good friends to rock out with..

I've tried using those, and swiped through hundreds and maybe even thousands of profiles to find friends. I don't think I had anything in common with a single person on there (there were lists of each person's interests on their profile.) I tried talking to a few of these people who either initiated a conversation with me or had even tangibly similar interests, and the conversations always just fizzled out, died and ended in ghosting. Using that app also made me feel very depressed, and I found that my state of mind had significantly improved once I had deleted it and never looked back.

 

[FF777]

lol i know exactly what you are talking about.. and yeah frack a bunch of having to self-censor your self or any thing or walk on eggshells; it's like what is even the point of having friends like that if you can't just relax around them and be your self..

one of my (internet) friends complains some times about the comments on his manga things he reads on the internet, because there will often be comments ranting about every thing possible, and so it's like WHY are these people even reading this stuff if they supposedly hate so many things in it that triggers them so much..

you and me would probably be epic friends together, except unfortunately i'm currently planning on jumping off a cliff here in a week or two because i have some physical conditions that have no cure.. one is ear problem where my ears are too sensitive and i have to protect them all the time with earplugs and stuff and makes my life a nightmare.. i listened to music on headphones a bit too loudly for too many years and now i have super sensitive ears and permanent ear ringing (tinnitus).. if you go on to the tinnitus forums it is full of people wanting the constant ear-ringing to stop and they all want to kill them selves, and i can understand because i was in deep depression from it too for about 2 years before i sort of "got used to it" enough to where i could live with it i guess....

...but then other thing is that i did some thing infinitely stupid and caused my self to have a stroke a few years ago and it caused severe brain damage and the recovery from it has plateaued and so my brain isn't getting better and so it's stuck at some level where it is still annoying to try to even function like i was normally before.. that stroke and brain damage is the worst thing that happened in my life and i'm tired of trying to live with it any more.. i read slow now, and have a bit of dyslexia now, make typoes a lot more often (have to edit my messages or re-read the whole thing before i post stuff), and trying to program/code is harder now and not fun like it used to be...... and i could used to use bigger words like how you can and was very intelligent, and i fucked it all up... like who the hell wants to keep living with brain damage, you know?.. i felt like i really actually died when that stroke happened and i'm just kind of a zombie now waiting around long enough to realize that the only real option for me is to catch the bus (......to hell)..

any way, i don't know your back-story or the reasons why you are on this forum, but my vote for you (if i get any vote at all) is that if you don't have any actual uncurable conditions then i'd probably keep trying to power through stuff and keep living for now.. but of course as always you retain full autonomy over your life and always have the final say on things.. but from just the couple posts from you there you seem like an intelligent and high-awareness person that probably has a lot of potential to do some big successful things in your life if you really desired it..