Introduce yourself

[blightoftheavenues]

hi y'all, my name is autumn, i'm a 27 y/o trans woman

a lil about me is that i'm diagnosed bipolar 1, and joined this forum for community during my last days (as i've been noticing a progressive worsening of my mental state for the last 6 or 7 years, despite every best effort i could possibly put forward into mental health care)
my ex was also a member of this community for a short while, but took his life on july 15th of this year, i just hope i can find the same comfort from y'all that he did during his last days

when not actively spiraling, i enjoy cooking and playing guitar, and that's just about it.

the only cool things ive ever done were:
played in a (shitty) post-hardcore band and spent many many months on tour
worked as sous chef of a fine dining destination restaurant on a private island in alaska

other than that, i'm painfully boring

 

[Cage]

Hello everyone, I'm Cage. 19M from the UK.

I think I'm quite different from a lot of other users here because my reasons for suicide have nothing to do with a bad childhood, past traumas, mental illness or anything like that. I have great parents, was raised in a comfortable middle-class environment, and never really hard to work hard for much of anything in my life.

And that is exactly why I want to CBT.

I've come to realize that I am completely useless at living. Despite being given every opportunity to succeed - far more than I ever deserved - I'm still a complete failure even now that I've reached adulthood. I've always been behind in life, never being able to catch up with everyone else and always failing to thrive in any particular area of life. In many ways I still feel like a helpless child trapped in a 19-year-old adult's body; I'm at that much of a loss of how to move forward.

Being spoiled and sheltered by my family certainly hasn't helped, but it's definitely more than that. It's like there's this innate slowness and cluelessness to my character, like my brain just hasn't properly developed, and the spoiled upbringing I've been showered with has only compounded that.

I do have some goals I sometimes want to strive for, but I know deep down they'll never work out. I've tried resorting to volunteer work as a means to give my life purpose, but that alone isn't really enough to justify sticking around when the other 95% of me is just a complete leech to society.

That is what I am. A worthless, useless leech who's too slow and sheltered for his own good. There's no reason for me to be alive; it would be an objective net benefit to society if I died.

I'm not sure when I'll get the courage to CBT, but it's definitely how I want to die, and it probably won't be in the distant future. I can hardly imagine living to 30, let alone 80 years old.

That's about all I have to say. Cheers.

 

[derpyderpins]

Hi. New username but I was on /r/ss back when it existed. First had suicidal thoughts when I was 12 . . . made it into my 30s. Been close to ctb multiple times but pretty sure it won't happen now. My life has gotten better and I have a loved one to live for, but that doesn't mean I'm fixed or I think life is worth it generally. If I'm going to discuss life, depression, etc., I'd like it to be with like-minded people, even if I'm sure ctb is not in the cards for me now. I hope I have some wisdom to offer from dealing with this for so long. I won't tell anyone "don't do it!", but I've been told I am someone good to talk to for comfort.

Anyway, thanks for letting me hang around.

 

[this_is_it]

hey I'm new here as of today and wanted to introduce myself. shouldn't say my name here but I'm 19, i live in a tiny depressing apartment, my parents abused and emotionally neglected me and also neglected to actually get me treated for anything that's wrong with me because they're anti-vaxxer anti-medicine conspiracy theorists. now in adulthood i have to sort out all my own shit, they're holding my life savings hostage (about $1000 i know they're gonna use as retirement money instead of giving back to me and theres nothing i can do about it). i thought things would get better as an adult but i just have different problems. not sure if i even want to recover anymore. oh and I'm trans in a red state so yay

 

[kaidatenn]

Kai. Always behind in things, cant even land a job. Took master degree and some certs just to justify cant getting a job and still cant get a job. Cool. Is 25.

Also a letdown and will disappoint or annoy you in various things. Dont know what to do, tried twice and failed. Have someone I loved but without them probably I already tried to jump again. Someties suicidal, when anxious will hurt self. Usually strangle myself. Cool.

Therapy sucks. Dont know the point, dont work. See ya.

 

[star_cell]

Hi! I am new and just within a few days of being here, I can tell that I will really feel comfy on this site. I will be 24 this Saturday, never thought I'd get this far tbh. So many stories on this site resonate so deeply with me. To keep it simple, I am on this site because (yes, this is cliche) I truly feel like no one will ever understand me. I did have a bestfriend that I considered my soul mate. She's basically dead now. I'm on this site because for most of my life I've been unable to break the cycle of the compulsive need to live for others. I don't just mean that I live because my loved ones would be sad. I mean I've never allowed myself to try and maintain the status of being alone and learning about myself. And fully controlling my life. I always find someone that makes me feel good, and then I lose my whole personality to them. I let all of who I am and what i enjoy get dissolved so that my romantic partner is as satisfied as possible. It is hell. But I can't stop. I always go out too deep. And now I feel more trapped than ever. I hope one day I have the courage to end my miserable self.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Hi there! I'm Sunny, 21F living on the East Coast of the US. I am a college student studying biology (and maybe psychology too). When I'm feeling like myself, I love serving others, party games, the beach, hanging out with friends, the color green, and a nice crisp breeze.
I made this account because I've struggled with severe depression for about a decade now, and want a space to talk about my suicidal ideation, maybe even my past parasuicidal actions and self harm. I have friends and a therapist to whom I talk about the more surface-level stuff (milder depression symptoms, social anxiety, etc.), but I've been really wanting to get the more visceral, suicidal stuff off my chest without worrying my friends or even being forced to a psych ward.
I've been reading around here, and I already feel like I've found people who get it, and who actually talk about it. It's hard to see people who seem so lovely and well-spoken be suffering so deeply, in a way I can often empathize with, but I also think I could find truly meaningful community here, of a nature that I can't find the equivalent of irl.
I'll probably lurk between the suicide and recovery discussions. I think I'll use this site more to vent my frustrations and suicidal ideation, rather than actually try to ctb, at least for now. I'm generally an optimistic, hopeful person when I'm not depressive, so my replies may have more of that slant, though I'll be mindful to remain grounded in reality. I'll see you around!

 

[Morgengrauen]

My name is M, 22m from germany. Not quite sure what to add here out of fear somebody i know might be hanging around here too and would recognise me. althought idk, it's not a huge secret anyway where i'm mentally at, but still. Bit embarrasing anyway lol. I'm also not going to go too deep into every diagnosis and woe's of my shit life, i simply have too many mental disorders which make finding any treatment almost impossible without getting rejected for being "too difficult", dropped after a while or being retraumatised throught malpractise.

A lot of things have changed since i joined first within the short time, delaying the final ctb date by months trying to rawdog my way throught the mess with no meds or help. But i guess i'll still stick around here simply for the opportunity to have a place where i can discuss things where at other places you would get banned for just utter "suicide" without censoring yourself or worrying too many of my online friends by constantly bringing my nearing end up yk.

Hopefully i'll manage to be more active and am looking forward to any great future interactions with everyone :)

 

[star_cell]

Hi! I am new and just within a few days of being here, I can tell that I will really feel comfy on this site. I will be 24 this Saturday, never thought I'd get this far tbh. So many stories on this site resonate so deeply with me. To keep it simple, I am on this site because (yes, this is cliche) I truly feel like no one will ever understand me. I did have a bestfriend that I considered my soul mate. She's basically dead now. I'm on this site because for most of my life I've been unable to break the cycle of the compulsive need to live for others. I don't just mean that I live because my loved ones would be sad. I mean I've never allowed myself to try and maintain the status of being alone and learning about myself. And fully controlling my life. I always find someone that makes me feel good, and then I lose my whole personality to them. I let all of who I am and what i enjoy get dissolved so that my romantic partner is as satisfied as possible. It is hell. But I can't stop. I always go out too deep. And now I feel more trapped than ever. I hope one day I have the courage to end my miserable self.

Fantastic!! It's my birthday today and I woke up to my gf in a fit of painful alcohol sickness bullying me for anxiously staring. Everytime things seem fine and sweet I always forget that at any moment the only person in my life that is like a friend rn can and will be very mean. I will let ppl be mean to me always. Especially if they are really good at making you feel worse by confronting them with it. It's my birthday and only members of my family have sent me any wishes. I can't believe I let my relationship professionally assassinate my social life. Not one friend that I get to hear from or see today. All gone. God I am so lonely. Happy 24 ig. Here's to (maybe) another year of losing more and more of myself.

 

[apearl]

Hello! I'm a 18F american college student studying psychology. I genuinely just like learning about psych the most. I have struggled with SAD, GAD, and sh and have been on and off medicine since I was 11. As it is every year, I am getting to the worst part of my year as the days get colder and darker. I talk to one or less people a day and I have suffered with chronic loneliness since covid started. Hopefully as my SAD starts to kick in more I can finially ctb this year. Open to any friends on the forum esp other girls. :)

 

[Serial Experi Pain]

I've been waiting to do an introduction because there isn't much to me.
I'm small, in every way, actually. Always have been. I feel like I have spent my life shrinking into myself.
I have been diagnosed with Agoraphobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Severe social anxiety, and depression. Anxiety and depression since I was 13. My first hospitalization was when I was 6 years old. My last was when I was 20. I am now 36. 7 years ago I found a decent psychiatrist who understood and determined Avoidant personality disorder. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD, but I fear from the trauma of my upbringing, and the responses I have to people and the outside world, it is very likely, but that part I will not claim without a proper diagnosis.
I've been on a slew of medications and none have helped. My memory is a mess and I don't know if it's the meds, depression, trauma or all of it.
I have never felt like a worthy human being. I cannot take a compliment. I want to immediately argue if/when given one. I want to say I'm a monster even though I always try my hardest to be a decent person/humanist in any and every way I can, even though I've made mistakes along the way. None of that even touches the physical pain and disabilities I have.

What I'm doing is not living. It's hiding in a deteriorating box, where I live in the worst fear of anyone knocking on the door.
It got so much worse after Covid and my last relationship....
I've been doing a lot of lurking for a while now, and even though I feel alone all the time, I at least see there are people who understand the pain I face to some extent, even though I would wish it on no one.

I usually make jokes, laugh along with the few friends I have, but it became too hard to fake it, and they don't understand. They want me to put the mask back on, or at least not talk about how I actually, truly feel these days. I would never ask that of them or anyone else. It's exhausting and even more painful and feels like it puts me at even more of a distance from them. I feel as though I have to keep it to myself, or everyone will leave because I will just be bad for their mental health, no matter what they tell me.

I used to have distractions. Things to keep my mind off of my constant feelings of sadness and the feeling of being alone. For years I actually truly appreciated being alone. Now it hurts, but after everything I've been through... All the lies, being used, having my deepest vulnerabilities thrown in my face by people I truly loved, in hopes that I would literally kill myself, feeling like I will be hated before I even get a chance to get to know anyone. I just don't try.
My interests... Music, gaming, streaming, anime (new castlevania Thursday for those who wanna stick around long enough for it!)... None of it sparks interest or any kind of joy anymore. All I really want to do is sleep all the time and feel like I don't exist. I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep, and that I don't understand. I could sleep 14 hours in a day and still feel exhausted and that seems to be the biggest problem I have that doctors give zero fucks about.
I've already mentioned other reasons I feel the way I do in other threads, and the other struggles I face such as extreme poverty. lol, I literally feel like I can't even afford to survive and that is likely the biggest reason I feel like I'm very close to jumping off of a bridge... At least I know of a very lovely one nearby if I so choose.


*If "The View From Halfway Down" crossed your mind I like you*

 

[deathcalm]

Hello
I'm a chronicly suicidal trans woman
I enjoy videogames and self isolating
I have no method yet but am exploring options

 

[valoristic]

Hello, I'm Valor. When I'm not severely intoxicated I'm playing FPS games. Other than that, I just sleep a lot. I think I'd want to CTB by alcohol poisoning or ODing. Not soon, but at some point.

 

[fallenflower]

HelloI've been on the site just over a year. Most of that time as a guest. I'm ready to CTB sooner rather than later. I live in the urge constantly. Nothing gives me comfort in life, not now & not for a very longtime. Hopefully we won't get to know each other, because I'll finally get my peaceful passage to the other side.

 

[3xhaustion]

Sorry if I have any formatting issues, I'm on mobile and don't know if I'm doing this post right
I've been a lurker for a while but I made an account recently because I've gotten to the stage of my death spiral I was in a few years ago and I dont know if I'll make it out this time. I thought I'd start hanging around places like this because I don't want to burden my irl freinds with this stuff so I'm here now

 

[purgedXO]

Hi, I'm Blaire, I'm married and I have two cats. I found this site through a video on YouTube, and it ended up being a site I've been looking for for a while. I'm still super new to the site, so if I should use other words instead of others, I'm still learning.

I've been dealing with these sorts of thoughts for about 10 years. And dealing with a lot of other mental issues I either can't afford to get help with, or I'm too scared to get help for. I don't really see a point anymore, it all feels like a waste of time. With all this being neglected, things have only gotten worse. I haven't made any plans, but you never know.

I haven't posted anywhere yet, I've just been lurking around on different posts and I figured this would be the place to post first. So yeah <3

 

[four-trees]

Hello folks. You can call me Trees. Been lurking for a little while and thought I would make an account to actually engage with the community that's been helping me so much.

I'm a late 20s non-binary wreck who has been living with chronic pain, trauma, and mental illnesses for as long as I can remember. Even though there are people who love me in this life, I still think about CTB all the time as a way to potentially escape the hell that is my body/mind. I don't really want to die, just really can't fathom changing my existence as I've tried so many times to no avail. I always end up back in the bad place and the cycle of futility can only go so long. For me CTB is a last resort that I want to be educated on. I tried twice before when I was much younger, in a really fucked up way that didn't work and I think I permanently damaged my health even worse than it already was. I take some solace in knowing this place exists where I can maybe talk about this stuff without having to go back to the mental hospital, which only traumatized me more. It would be better to end it all then to go back there.

I like literary arts in all its forms (poetry, zines, bookbinding, book defacing, novels, anything to do with words or a book tbh). I like listening to and making music. When I am not making art I am probably spiraling but I can't make art all the time because of the brain fog, pain, tired from job, hating myself, etc. When that happens I just play Hearthstone and listen to DND podcasts for hours and days until I hate myself even more and want to break everything around me. I do like Hearthstone as well, despite it feeling like a symbol of my dysfunction. If anyone brings it up I talk about it for an embarrassingly uncomfortable length of time, you could say it's an important interest of mine.

If I can manage to stick around on this earth maybe we can connect and talk about art sometime. Currently in a recovery stage but who knows how long that will last. Peace to you all.

 

[Laurentj]

Hi hello I'm Laurentj/Lawren, roman catholic
from the philippines, used to play tennis and badminton, but now I usually play chess and read, usually visual novels
I play iOS and android games that can run on 2gb of ram and i play pc games that usually only take 1-4gbs of ram and not too heavy on the cpu or gpu
i write sometimes and have the occasional creative spur to make 3d models on blender and try to use my models as a reference/outline for my drawings since i suck at drawing from the imagination, i like sour, salty or bland tasting things like bread or sour cream & garlic, I'm also very fond of cheese and squid
I avoid anything with even a trace of caffeine, smokers and alcohol like the plague
i suck at rhythm games and fighting games
ive been a hermit for my entire life and i dont intend to change my ways

 

[SmollMushroom]

Hi. I'm smoll mushroom.
I'm a recluse (kind of an hikikomori) and spend most of my days waiting to die. Heopefully soon enough.
To make time goes faster, I sometimes play videogames, watch anime and surf the internet.
I'm depressed and don't enjoy any activity in particular. I also have no friends or no one to chat with.
If anywant would still be interested in a chat with me, about any topic, I'm very open minded and will gladly respond to any DM. Bye! :)

 

[Weary_Mary64]

Hello everyone! I am 18 and you can call me Mary! :D I have been visiting this website as a guest for a few months and now decided to join about a week ago, so I am still fairly new to this community. I actually found this forum coincidentally - I was searching the web for methods and then this website appeared in the search results. xD

Maybe I'll talk a bit about myself first. I actually have many interests, am versatile and normally very open to trying out new things and gaining experience in all kinds of fields - be it sports, arts or science - despite my mental issues. I just have to be productive and perform - for myself and others -, otherwise I'll feel even worse and my feeling of self worth will suffer. But it has always also been a way for me to endure my weariness of life and stay at least for a bit longer. So, I particularly like reading books, doing some sports, listening to music and also playing an instrument. In general, I like also philosophy and physics.

So, now the reason why I am here. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and I might also have some other memtal issues such as anxiety and obsessive thoughts/OCD, but those were'nt really diagnosed yet.
Actually, I am in this state of depression since I was about eight or nine years old and it was then that I first wished to die and commit; I cannot really remember what life has been like before that or if I have ever even feeled differently. When I look into my past, I only see negative memories, I can't seem to remember any significantly positive, happy events - so I feel like I have always been this way and lately I came to the conclusion that this also probably won't ever change.
Somehow I have survived until now, but recently my will to live has shrinked until it is nearly non-existent anymore. About one year ago, everything seemed to fall apart: My condition got worse and it was the first time I attempted to ctb. Then a long period of being in the mental hospital followed, which has seemed to even worsen my condition. I also would have finished high school last school year, but due to my bad health I had to drop out temporarily. After some time, even my mom left me and now I live in our former flat together with my grandfather - my grandparents are the only actual family I have left now. At some point, I just lost all hope and my will to live vanished.

So now, I am at a point where I just want to end it all, just as I have always imagined I would do since I was a child. I already know what method I want to use and right now I am preparing everything so that I can leave in about one or two months. I am very afraid of doing it, even though I have had two attempts. I hope I won't chicken out, I'd be so disappointed of myself...

But in the meantime, until I plan to ctb, I want to be part of this community. Feeling suicidal also makes you feel lonely, at least this is the case for me. I have been thinking about suicide almost my whole life now so that it seems to kinda be part of my identity. And there are so many thoughts and feelings regarding this topic, but no one to share or discuss them with. But now I discovered this place where our voices and opinions seem to be heard and valid. This makes me feel less lonely.

So I am looking forward to getting to know this forum and its members, their opinions and their troubles. Sending y'all hugs and lots of love! <3

 

[briarrose]

hey, i'm briar. i'm 22 (soon to be 23) and i'm here because i stumbled upon a certain video by a certain ignorant someone who shall not be named. i near instantly agreed with the philosophy of this site and found the rest of his video to be performative and demeaning. i spent all day yesterday reading through the site and all of the introductory posts as will as the post addressing his video directly before signing up.

i'm somebody who was struggled with suicidal thoughts and feelings since i was 12 years old, and i lost my youth to hospitalization and the psychiatrist system. i came out of that deeply traumatized and truthfully, worse off. however, since this is not an uncommon experience on this site, i'll gloss over that for now and talk about the more interesting things about me.

i'm a high school dropout, a neet, and an avid gamer/otaku. i'm engaged and i love my fiancée very much. i'm disabled and contribute to our household via ssi and food stamps. it's not much, but it gets us by. we collect stuffed animals. we go to concerts together. i like a lot of different kinds of music, but i mostly listen to rock, metal, and scene/emo.

i don't have much else to say about myself, not now anyway, so i'll just end off by saying: while i'm not planning to ctb anytime soon, when i do, my fiancée and i have decided we'll go together. i will keep this community posted when it happens, but until then, i'm looking forward to being a part of a community where i can speak about my pain without fear of judgement or having the authorities called on me, and support others through their pain without the social expectation of saying, "it gets better! hang in there!"

 

[crxssedho3]

hi all, my name is suppes I'm 19 from the US.

I believe mortality is the most beautiful thing human life has to offer, to die, to be reborn, or to never exist again.

That being said I hold myself to that standard as well. The most extraordinary thing I can offer is to leave.

I've tried almost everything. Every hobby under the sun and nothing. I have no passion for anything worldly besides maybe music and even then it's so easy to disway me or change my mind. I don't think I ever let myself truly love something out of fear of everything always being taken away.

Anyways, the only thing keeping me here is the people around me as I'm not in a situation where I could ctb peacefully and alone just yet. So unfortunately I just have to think about it all day until I can.

 

[sash]

Hi. Before I introduce myself I'd like to say after deliberating for a long time and reading all the stuff about this site online, I still came here anyway and was shocked that there wasn't horrible people chanting 'death' in every thread. What I have seen so far while lurking is kindness, people actually hearing the poster speak and not saying silly platitudes, just open plain honest factual chat. Thankyou.
I for one am glad this site is here for those of us who are so alone in these times.

So, quick small version, long term life of existing with depression (didn't realise it was depression til my 20's, I thought my childhood was normal...) A family of abusers mental &/or physical. Screwed me up. Always seem to meet similar ppl. I have been clinging on by my fingernails for too long, decades. I'm exhausted. The thought of more decades...
It will be easy to slink off this place, but before I do, I really would like even in a tiny way to connect with people as myself, not the happy hyena I'm expected to show at all times. I will still take a real laugh where I can get it, feel free to do a funny. Thanks for listening. Take care.

f/UK

 

[endless-void]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hey, I'm Void. I act reckless because life became pointless a while ago and now I could never go back to normal even if I wanted to. Everyone finds me fun because I look like I'm gone but I do so because that's my way to express my pain. Might ctb when things get out of hand if it doesn't run over me first haha. My hobbies are harming myself and being a cock teaser. Besides that my mind is just a complete wasteland and I feel I'm not the only one looking forward to my own death.

Some things that might have contributed to all this self destructive behavior are the abuse of drugs in my teen years to avoid all the psychological, physical and sexual abuse I had to endure when I was really young. I've been also misdiagnosed with some things and the treatment I'd been put in fucked me up in the head real bad too.

Basically I'm chill until I completely lose it and commit suicide.


I also like talking to people online, just not irl.

 

[space-jester]

hi. 23f, im a recluse, im afraid of most people. i have a really bad problem with lying but i think ive finally found a place where i can be honest for once :P
i have no job prospects and kind of dont intend to work ever again. i wouldnt mind going to art school and working in animation one day, but atm i just kind of exist.
it hurts to stand up and im very tired most days.

i like video games and art but i feel like i hardly do either, most days im just clicking webpages and staring at a screen.

genuinely made this account so i could talk about what i really feel like, and hope one day i can move on. i dont really want to ctb just yet, but i still have some hard days.

 

[snowcloud9]

Hi I'm Clouds, I'm 19F and from the US.

I've suffered from anxiety/depression since I was 13, had emotionally neglectful workaholic parents who actively made me feel terrible about myself, and now I've spiraled and cannot take it anymore. I've always been in and out of depression, can't remember a time when I was happy actually, and I've tried all I can to turn it around with different types of therapy and meds.

My work makes me miserable. But I can't give up on it because I am in a position that everyone wants. I now realize that I can't follow my dreams, because my dreams will not make any money. And all the people at the top don't want to share, so if I want to do what I'm passionate about I'll have to also work endless hours on the side with an unlivable wage. So I have to continue to be miserable with my job, and I will have to work and be miserable 9-5 every day unless I prematurely end it.

 

[candying]

Hello! 37 year old female here currently living in the US. I have had fantasies of suicide on and off since I was about 11 years old and I have attempted 3 times. I have been looking for a community like this for ages as I used to be a member of various "pro ana" communities and always wished there was a similar non censored community for those with suicidal thoughts. Society in general doesn't seem to want to be bothered with others suicidal thoughts or ideals but hopefully I can use this to talk about the things I've had to hide for so long. I can't even tell my husband about how I've been feeling or the sense of relief that comes from finding this website and we tell each other everything.
I struggle with mental health disorders including bipolar, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, autism, ADHD, social anxiety, disordered eating and possibly others. I struggle to communicate with people and thought one day I would get over it but unfortunately autism has no cure so all I can do is manage it which I've been trying to do my whole life.
I have no children and don't plan on having any so I will not be leaving any children behind. I just don't see any reason to live any longer.. I have to work a job where I'm treated like shit and reminded how much of a piece of shit I am. I am only going to get older and my body is going to deteriorate more and more from this point. I don't want to know what it feels like to get older and have my body in pain and have to be dependent on others. I won't have children to help me when I'm older and I don't have friends so I see no point in letting myself get old.
I'm glad I found this community and am looking forward to chatting with new people.

 

[LuisV]

I am a man, 53 years old. Since my adolescence I have suffered from social phobia, something that has completely conditioned my existence. I currently live at my parents' house, at my age! For a long time my life has been reduced to watching television, music, basically watching the days go by, no future at all. For 3 years I have been suffering from severe anxiety related to hypochondria problems, I have finally come to the conclusion that this time my illness is real and evolving. However, no one believes me given my background. I have visited specialists but they don't seem to care... anyway I really can't take it anymore. I have already come to know what hell on earth is, and the overwhelming desire to escape. I'm tired of being afraid of everything. Thank you for listening to me and for being able to share this with you.

 

[sarahelizabeth]

I'm 36F and I live in a small town in Iowa. I have Asperger's and narcolepsy. My mom's a narcissist and my childhood was pretty terrible. I started having suicidal thoughts in sixth grade. I essentially grew up suicidal. My teen years and early 20's (before diagnosis) were an absolute train wreck.

I'm doing better these days. Have my own home, a good job, a great partner who is also on the spectrum, and some very lovable pets that are like my kids.

I still struggle a lot. I feel fundamentally broken and like I don't have what it takes to live in this society. I don't get people and don't have many close relationships besides my boyfriend. I feel like a freak a lot at work.

I'm extremely concerned about all the crap that's going on in my country and I'm scared we're going down a very dark path. I hold on to hope that we'll turn it around eventually. But I don't know when "eventually" is.

I love using the internet to learn about whatever interests me at the moment. Some staples of mine are US history, WWI and WWII, cosmology and astrophysics, and rare disorders, especially neurological ones. I'm a nerd with a lot of varied interests. And I love video games. Specifically RPGs and farming sims like Harvest Moon.

 

[pinkblur]

(lol i posted this in the wrong thread, deleted original thread to share here)

Hi, wanted to introduce myself here. I wrote this song a while back, and have recorded it as a demo as well. It was a suicide note I turned into a song. I've been doing a bit better these days but I still struggle with suicidal ideation often. The words still ring true, and I will end up following through sometime. but not right now. I still have certain aspects in life I want to take care of first.

i'm glad to have discovered this community as there have been too many times before where i feel like i've had no where to turn to. psyche ward, family, friends, therapists, the suicide hotlines; many times it feels no one has the answers. so i would end up internalizing everything within myself. I haven't spoken to many people in my life about this song or my suicidal ideation, because mainly at this point i feel it just burdens or is not worth the trouble to try anymore. but just want to say i feel a place where i can hopefully feel some sense of belonging, and that i hope that this song has a place here to resonate with others. thank you for accepting me.

Call it Quits

[CALL IT QUITS]
i don't plan on being here for long
before i go i'll leave behind these songs
remembering when life wasn't complex
remembering feeling like i had friends

so many days where i dont want to stay
i'm sick and tired of the games we play
a nervous break away from calling quits
can't find a way to keep my mind in check

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no

i don't want to stick around for long
before i go i need to right my wrongs
i feel alone i've had enough of this
i feel this time there's nothing more to miss

so many things about me i can't change
alienate from everyone with age
every day i try to be my best
in the reflection i don't know who this is

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no

i think it's time for me to hit the road
before i go i'll say goodbye to you all
i can't wait to get this off of my chest
i'm selfish but for me and you it's best

so many memories i wish i could make
i wish there were a way for me to stay
maybe next time i can try again
maybe next time i won't call it quits

oh no
oh no
oh no
oh no