Painless_end
Life is too difficult for me
- Oct 11, 2019
- 794
I'm internally mentally inadequate. I've known that since I graduated High School 15 years ago and was expected to develop an interest in building a career.
I never really managed to do that. I did graduate college and got a job. But all the while I covered my inadequacy by trying to maintian a pleasing & friendly / helpful personality externally so that no one would get inside me and see how completely worthless I was.
I was not even suicidal until I was 23 and over a year into my first job.
It's been steadily downhill from there.
I come from a very religious family and yet my response to difficult life challenges before 23 was to withdraw into myself, computer games, alcohol nights during college with friends, porn etc.
After my first extreme suicidal depression at 23, I lost interest in all above things and now my response to challenges was, if everything becomes too much, I'll just off myself.
Due to various situational and practical reasons, when I found myself unable to quit my job, I became increasingly suicidal but never actually got the courage to try.
Cut to me at 31 and I'm still the same. I still am unable to CTB somehow even though every single moment, hour, day is more difficult than the previous one.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I never really managed to do that. I did graduate college and got a job. But all the while I covered my inadequacy by trying to maintian a pleasing & friendly / helpful personality externally so that no one would get inside me and see how completely worthless I was.
I was not even suicidal until I was 23 and over a year into my first job.
It's been steadily downhill from there.
I come from a very religious family and yet my response to difficult life challenges before 23 was to withdraw into myself, computer games, alcohol nights during college with friends, porn etc.
After my first extreme suicidal depression at 23, I lost interest in all above things and now my response to challenges was, if everything becomes too much, I'll just off myself.
Due to various situational and practical reasons, when I found myself unable to quit my job, I became increasingly suicidal but never actually got the courage to try.
Cut to me at 31 and I'm still the same. I still am unable to CTB somehow even though every single moment, hour, day is more difficult than the previous one.
I don't know what to do anymore.
