Venting Inability to fully converse in any language I know

[NutOrat]

I can't talk properly in my country's official language, because at school instead of learning it I thought I was being a cool rebel and that I won't need it once I go abroad to Norway or somewhere like that. What a stupid fucking idiot I was (still am). I can't talk to most people here who don't talk in Russian, and even in Russian I can't properly express most of my thoughts, because English has become more than a second main language for me. I think in it more than half the time, but even so, my English is also not perfect, far from it. I can't immediately express everything clearly in it either.

So I can't communicate in my native (Russian), in English, and definitely not in my country's language. I can't talk to local lifelines (one of which is only for 18 years old and below, so not for me), all of which can't provide talking in English. So far I've only found two therapists who have mentioned consultation in all 3 languages, one of whom I went to and she was a self-taught unlicensed fraud, the other is a man in his 50s, I don't think we'll find a common language and he'll see me as weak whiny bitch or something like that we always say here.

I can't talk to anyone properly, for me to write a post here like this one it takes upwards to an hour, editing mistakes and thinking how to put my thoughts into words that won't read like an alien wrote them. I'm a fucking alien, I can't communicate with anyone fully. People say to learn a language you need to keep trying to talk to people, even if you can't weave two sentences together. Do you know how much other people hate talking to someone like that? 99% of people will not have the patience for this, they'll either switch to English or Russian or any common language like that. Also it's really fucking hard and humiliating, that in a country you've grown up you can't talk to people and feel like an outcast. I don't belong here, I didn't belong abroad, I don't belong anywhere.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Sounds like a really hard position to be in. I lived abroad for a while and even when people spoke English (my native language, luckily for me) it wasn't the same as talking with a fellow native speaker. And battling to communicate in my 2nd language was absolutely exhausting, and like you describe people largely have no patience and switch to English or another common language.

To not really feel like you have a true native language must be so mentally and emotionally exhausting. I've spoken to people who lived a long time speaking a 2nd or 3rd language and felt they kind of lost fluency in their native language, and people like you who end up mostly thinking/writing in English bc of the internet to the extent they don't feel comfortable expressing themselves in their native language.

It sounds like Russian is your strongest language and is also somewhat wildly spoken in your country. Maybe you could seek out more opportunities to connect with people in Russian in order to strengthen it?

And to look on the bright side, you speak 2.5 languages, even if not totally fluently in all of them. That's a really strong base to grow from. I can barely manage 1.5.

 

[NutOrat]

I speak Russian daily with my family, otherwise 95% of my internet experience is in English. I don't go outside much, and have ruined all my friendships. It gets harder and harder to make friends, usually people want someone who can uphold a topic fully in one language, and not cringely sprinkle English in every third sentence.

You've hit the nail there, it's exhausting to try to communicate when you don't fully wield a language. Though it's exhausting to do everything at this point, but it's just adding to it.

And to look on the bright side, you speak 2.5 languages, even if not totally fluently in all of them. That's a really strong base to grow from. I can barely manage 1.5.

What good is it really for me? I've always had trouble learning new things, my memory is getting worse and worse, so learning languages becomes harder. I know more like 1.9 languages, if we combine the percentages realistically. What fucking good is it that I was the only in my class who passed TOEFL, even got A+ score or whatever it was? The certificate expired anyway, it was of no use other than skipping the entry English test at uni (it was super easy anyway), I again just wasted my parents' money and my time. I'd rather know one language and live in a home country where I can communicate fully with others, where I wouldn't feel like a tourist.