Venting in this world, there is no place for me

[encore]

i am never someone's top priority; someone's dearest friend; someone's love of their life. replaceable. "good, but not good enough to be closer". "good, but not good enough to invite her over or keep her in our friend group". "good, but we will never reach out when she's clearly not doing well". never seen, never understood, never interesting. never allowed space in other people's minds, never allowed their energy and time. too awkward. too talkative. too silent. too boring, dumb, smart. talks too much about things no one cares about. too weird. too anxious and depressed.

i am tired. i'm so, so tired that there is nobody in this world only for me. i'm tired of never feeling like i can have something for myself, forever. like i have a home to come to, have a routine, a person to fall back on when life gets bad again. it feels like everyone else already got their life sorted, they have a group they belong it, someone they can call their best friend, their lover. i can't. why? what's so deeply wrong with me? i can't keep going like this anymore…

 

[khek0_]

It's not that something is just horribly wrong with you, it's just that people decide to not care. They're only after what they want or think is good for them. In the end, it's just you and yourself. I've felt the having no one part for a while now and it doesn't get better, one thing that did help a bit was lowering my expectations and accepting that no one will come around and care. Probably said a bunch of incoherent bs but that's just how I look at things. Maybe one day you'll feel like you belong and I hope that day does come.

 

[FishRain3469]

I feel like I could have written this myself, and boy Howdy it fckn sucks. I hate it. Sick and tired of being Sick and tired.

Sorry I don't really have anything constructive to say But.... I hope things turn out well for you, that your days may get brighter and Better. Blessings and prayers to you always. ♥

 

[Dejected 55]

All too familiar feelings to my own. I don't even mind not belonging with most of the world, but never finding even just that one someone to not be alone with... that sucks.

 

[PrettyWhiteFlower]

I don't know anything to say that could help but I relate to every single sentence of that. I'm never someone's first choice. Just someone to waste time with until a better option comes along.

 

[Dejected 55]

I don't know anything to say that could help but I relate to every single sentence of that. I'm never someone's first choice. Just someone to waste time with until a better option comes along.

Pretty much describes every friendship I've ever had.

 

[divinemistress36]

I wish I had one friend I could feel close with to. My few friendships are superficial.

 

[lunar02102009]

i am never someone's top priority; someone's dearest friend; someone's love of their life. replaceable. "good, but not good enough to be closer". "good, but not good enough to invite her over or keep her in our friend group". "good, but we will never reach out when she's clearly not doing well". never seen, never understood, never interesting. never allowed space in other people's minds, never allowed their energy and time. too awkward. too talkative. too silent. too boring, dumb, smart. talks too much about things no one cares about. too weird. too anxious and depressed.

i am tired. i'm so, so tired that there is nobody in this world only for me. i'm tired of never feeling like i can have something for myself, forever. like i have a home to come to, have a routine, a person to fall back on when life gets bad again. it feels like everyone else already got their life sorted, they have a group they belong it, someone they can call their best friend, their lover. i can't. why? what's so deeply wrong with me? i can't keep going like this anymore…

The same has been happening to me for the past few years , im tired i dont even have any friends , i wish i did

 

[Dejected 55]

I wish I had one friend I could feel close with to. My few friendships are superficial.

I used to wish that... in the absence of the romantic partnership I always dreamed of, I used to wish I at least had a sincere friendship.

But at some point I realized that most folks around me have lives, families, relationships, and other friends... so that even if I somehow found a friend that I could connect to in friendship... that would just depress me being the third wheel and always being reminded up close of all the experiences I was never going to have in my life.

So, actually, I'm fine without friends. I don't miss that at all. I long for connection in the form of a full partner in life, which would include the friendship, but just a friend? I'm no longer interested in male or female friends.

 

[darksouls]

the same as with you
you only have "friends" when you are doing well and people benefit from you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have had close friends in the past but, our lives separated. At the time, it kind of felt heart breaking. I've also fallen into the trap of looking forward to certain things with other friends, only for them to fall through. Plus, other family friends have died and left a hole.

I guess I eventually concluded that it didn't feel worth the emotional rollercoaster- for me anyhow. It's not to say I have no friends but, I try to keep my expectations low now. I'm also wary of trying not to become clingy or dependent on people since, experience has taught me how unreliable they are- again, in my own experience.

People also have their own problems and lives. It can actually be pretty difficult to be intensely worrying about a friend. I've also experienced that side of it and truthfully, there were times I felt overwhelmed. Effectively, you have your own worries plus, theirs on top. I was finding for hours after receiving a venting text, I was still tightly wound up. To be fair, I expect I was putting them through something similar on occassion. But, it got to a point I realised it likely wasn't sustainable for either of us. It isn't even like we could help each other much. So, I reduced the frequency of venting texts and, they did too.

I guess it's natural- as a social species to want close connections. I just think it can sometimes open us up to a lot of hurt though. I try so hard now to be grateful for what people want to give, without expecting and trying hard not to hope for more. It's not always easy but, I tend to remind myself of it when I do find myself hoping.

 

[cciro]

I relate so hard...
Feels like I'm on the edges of friend groups. Not hated or anything, invited to some stuff to pad numbers, but last to know about things, last on their minds, not invited to "core" events.
I'm think i'm probably missing something everyone has. people seem to make these connections and be secure in them... I feel like I'm always a hair away from ruining things. Or maybe not even close enough to "ruin" anything. Maybe this is just how things are, never even had a chance. Hurts, another thing to have to deal with I guess.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, thought I had all the things you're complaining about lacking for a minute but they were just an ad for tweak and church stuff that evaporated after some nasty things. Turns out it's just between you and G-d anyway.