In love with someone who isn’t my partner of 2.5 years

[justlookinforanswers]

I'm 26f, I've never been in a relationship for longer than a year prior to this relationship and I would have called myself mostly happy before I met this person in class 9 months ago who I immediately felt like I had a crush on, my feelings for them have only grown, I now feel like I'm in love with them. We're friends and they might reciprocate but I can't tell. Logically I feel like I have every reason to appreciate my own relationship for what it is but I literally cannot stop pining for this other person and they're all I think about every day, probably due to some deeper emptiness and insecurity on my end. I don't know if it's my own relationship that's made me feel empty or my deeper unhappiness but I think it's me. It feels like I have this mind that relentlessly wants to lust after whatever I don't have, and I feel like I don't want to live if this is going to happen in any loving relationship that I form with anyone. I feel like I don't want to live if this is never going to get any better. I don't know how much longer I can hide this and keep the relationship from falling apart, I don't even know if it's possible at this point.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

It might get better in a dark way, if that makes any sense to say. After having feelings and situations somewhat like what you mentioned, over and over and over, and every single time making a miserable fool out of myself, and annoying everyone, making them angry and disgusted.... I developed a fear of those feelings. The urges are still there but only as burnt disfigured stubs, immediately followed by dread. So it stops there, no more complicated situations for me. I hope you have better luck.

 

[justlookinforanswers]

It might get better in a dark way, if that makes any sense to say. After having feelings and situations somewhat like what you mentioned, over and over and over, and every single time making a miserable fool out of myself, and annoying everyone, making them angry and disgusted.... I developed a fear of those feelings. The urges are still there but only as burnt disfigured stubs, immediately followed by dread. So it stops there, no more complicated situations for me. I hope you have better luck.

thank you, I really appreciate it. I hope so too.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

If you want, you have a chance to work on the life you have: reflect, go to therapy, and save a relationship that you say it's working, instead of dragging yourself and someone else down. I'm biased, as you can see by my signature, and I'm trying not to judge, but if you don't want to live life feeling that way and chasing that lust for greener pastures, why not work on yourself and on the relationship with your current partner? It could not only save you trouble in the long run, but would also spare your partner from a world of pain: being dumped from a loving relationship only to be replaced with someone else can kill you. It can get better if you want to and any relationship can be saved, maybe you can save yourself at the same time?

 

[kagebunshin]

It might get better in a dark way, if that makes any sense to say. After having feelings and situations somewhat like what you mentioned, over and over and over, and every single time making a miserable fool out of myself, and annoying everyone, making them angry and disgusted.... I developed a fear of those feelings. The urges are still there but only as burnt disfigured stubs, immediately followed by dread. So it stops there, no more complicated situations for me. I hope you have better luck.

Seconding this! I've been alone for four years now and cannot accept or produce romantic love out of fear and self-hatred A big reason why I'm going to ctb is because love is closed to me. But hey, at least life is simpler that way.