brokenwaves
i need to cross a border that’s hard to define
- Feb 19, 2021
- 118
not much of a serious post just some stream of consciousness on my impulse buying lmao. anybody else struggle with saving? i've been living with daily suicidal ideation since i was about 12 years old, it's just been an accepted fact in my mind that i would end my life eventually. and the older i get, the more i know this to be the case. the trauma i've experienced just weighs me further down and i know as my mental health plummets with each passing year, i won't make it out of my 20s. anyway i struggle with saving money because of this, i know i'm not gonna be around so why accumulate money for longterm goals when i can spend it on the trivial things i desire right now. i have bpd too so i'm quite impulsive as it is, and the brief serotonin rush i get when a package arrives feels worth it when i know i'm not gonna be around for many years longer. i'm not rich by any means, i'm from a working class family, on disability, but not in debt so in my head i'm ok for now. my family expect me to be saving everything i can so i can afford my own place but my mental health just worsens, i've spent half my life on treatments for it - so in my head i might as well enjoy the $60 imported tamagotchi i bought myself for my birthday lmao idk i've tried in the past to save but it just makes me miserable collecting money and not having the little enjoyment i can manage with the limited time i have - self sabotage in a way but when you've spent over half your life with severe mental illness it's hard to think rationally/still be fighting strong ...
