Venting I'm very sick, hopeless, have an exit plan but still have a fear of death and non-existence

[sickboy55]

In January 2023 I got my Bachelor's degree with very good notes, which I was very proud of. I got accepted to one of Europe's best universities (abroad) for a Master's programme and found a really interesting trainee position in the field I want to have a career in. I also had luck to find a one bedroom appartment in the city. I was very happy.

As I had a stuffy nose for several years with a cyst and a polyp in my sinus, I decided for a septoplasty in March 2023, recommended by ENTs. My father and my brother also had this surgery years ago without complications, so I didn't research much about it. After the surgery, I could only sleep few hours per night bacause of the pain and clogged nose, which I was told is normal. Nevertheless, it got me so stressed that once I didn't sleep for 50 hours. I also started to experience dizziness and fatigue, which I thought was caused by anxiety and the lack of sleep. I got really stressed and went to a psychiatrist as I had mental health problems in the past. Got prescribed sleeping pills and an antidepressant. Despite sleeping better, the fatigue and dizziness continued, followed by tension headaches a few weeks later.

Nevertheless, I started my studies and my new job. I had some better days here and there but in general, I got gradually worse. Everyday activities like doing the laundry felt like running a marathon. I missed most classes and was struggling at work. Doctors didn't take me seriously until I got tested positive for Lyme disease and started antibiotic treatment with a specialist in December. It didn't help, my (meanwhile more than 20) symptoms remained, I got loud tinnitus and tingling in my leg. In February 2024 I decided to take a break and moved back to my parents for 3 months. No improvement, still went back and tried to continue my life abroad. It was hell. Fatigue, headache, diarrhea, nausea, balance issues, visual floaters, POTS with 120+ HR when standing, insomnia, anxiety, constant fight or flight state, joint and muscle pain, neck stiffness. I had no other option than giving up my plans.

I always had an active lifestyle before (studying, working, doing sports, travelling, volunteering at an NGO), now going on a walk or watching a movie is a torture. Tried several painkillers, anti-anxiety meds, four antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, a beta bocker, swimming, cycling, yoga but none of them has an effect. I am suffering. I am super bored but unable to do pretty much anything at the same time. On worse days, I can't really sit upright for more than 30 minutes. My friends and family don't really understand what is happening to me. Some of them think I'm just lazy or depressed, others just forgot about me. We "broke up" with my best friend after a lot of arguments. My father is supportive and paying for my medical expenses, but mother is often directly blaming me for my condition and saying hurtful things. She can't shut up that I should be more physically and socially active as if I haven't tried. I thought about moving to my own place but it is unrealistic that I could support myself in this condition and not get even worse.

I have consistent suicidal ideation for 9 months. At first, I also hoped I would get better but now, I can't anymore. I'm in therapy and read books about living with chronic conditions, but they can't convince me that I can find a "new normal" and it is still possible to manage a "fulfilling life". I also feel that getting sick is my own fault as the surgery last year was not completely necessary, just recommended. Maybe I should have researched about it and just accept that my nose is sometimes stuffy. That was not even a minor inconvinience compared to this. Maybe I should have asked if a surgery without anesthesia is less demanding for the body. Maybe I should have asked for sleeping pills on the first night already so I could recover better. Maybe I should have rested more on the days following the surgery.

I don't care about the pain I would cause to my family with my suicide anymore. I don't want to go to more useless doctors, take stupid pills, try shitty alternative treatments, hear about people my age having fun while vegetating in my room. I have the pills for the amitriptyline method which should be a peaceful way to go, but I still fear that I might regret after taking it, or that I will be in pain in my last hours. I also find the idea of non-existence disturbing. I'm thinking a lot about that if I should get comfortable with it first or just CTB to end this misery. Will see, but it's unlikely that I have more than a few months left. I'm disappointed that my life turned out like this despite my best efforts.

Thank you for reading my story.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[sickboy55]

I had an OK day on Wednesday, I went hiking in the hills and enjoyed it. I think I will try and see if I can get better with herbal treatment, physiotherapy, maybe hyperbaric oxygen therapy or other alternative treatments. I will set a deadline for 7th March 2026, three years after I got sick. If I get notably better by then, good, if not, it's time to CTB as there is no point in further suffering. In the latter case, I will just treat it as a terminal illness, like it's not my choice if I die or not.

I will also try writing a journal on my profile to see if it makes me feel more understood or organized (even if noone reads it)

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

You said you find the idea of non-existence disturbing.

I find non-existence forever the best most beautiful thing by a trillion times partly because it's the opposite of this horrible life and evil world and also no pain no problems no suffering no bad memories ever.

Non-existence forever is the only guarantee of never having unbearable pain nor extreme suffering ever

 

[sickboy55]

You said you find the idea of non-existence disturbing.

I find non-existence forever the best most beautiful thing by a trillion times partly because it's the opposite of this horrible life and evil world and also no pain no problems no suffering no bad memories ever.

Non-existence forever is the only guarantee of never having unbearable pain nor extreme suffering ever

Well, I thought about it and I actually find it disturbing that I will never experience things I wanted to, like visiting Plzen in the Czech Republic and Frankfurt in Germany, being in a long-term relationship, becoming a part-time bus or tram driver etc. I know I only miss them because I'm alive and won't anymore when I'm dead so the problem will solve itself.

 

[sickboy55]

It'm in too much pain, continuing like this for 1.5 more years seems worse than hell now. Physiotherapy doesn't make me feel better.. My parents can't shut up about sports I have no motivation for because they excerbate pain and fatigue. My father fell into an holistic-esoteric-energetic-essential oils scam and forces me to try it. My therapist recommended me to get hospitalized but I don't want doctors and therapists to tell me what to do 24/7 and gaslight me that my physical symtoms are all psychosomatic.

I have to CTB before I lose I mind. I would like to make peace with the fact that my life turned out like this with keeping in mind that it wasn't my fault (as I want to go in complete peace). But that's incredibly difficult. Any advice, what could help with this?

 

[stopthenoise]

Hello. Thanks for sharing your story. I had anesthetic surgery a few years back. I have long suspected that experience as the start of my depressive down turn. Immediately after surgery I became unable to control my emotions as well as before surgery, depressive episodes, anxiety, sleep disturbances, anger issues and fatigue. Do you suspect the anesthesia as well?

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your condition and I can understand that with certain methods the odds of success may not be as ideal and of course, it isn't easy at all dealing with the unknown and fear of death (the damned survival instinct, of course). I don't know what more to say except that I hope you are able to find peace in whatever decision you end up choosing.

 

[sickboy55]

Hello. Thanks for sharing your story. I had anesthetic surgery a few years back. I have long suspected that experience as the start of my depressive down turn. Immediately after surgery I became unable to control my emotions as well as before surgery, depressive episodes, anxiety, sleep disturbances, anger issues and fatigue. Do you suspect the anesthesia as well?

I'm sorry you are also experiencing complications from a procedure that's said to be harmless.

It can't be the only factor in my illness, but might have played a role. Also, the breathing tube hurt my uvula a bit which caused additional pain and stress after the surgery.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

i'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through, nobody deserves this. I hope you find peace in either death or life

 

[sickboy55]

So some update because the journaling thing didn't really work out and why not.

I started doing own bodyweight and cardio training with a trainer in October, and resumed swimming in December hoping it would be beneficial for my health. I also tried acupuncture and am now doing manual therapy. None of them have helped yet, I'm in as much physical pain and discomfort as before. Additionally, I started a new course of antibiotics for the Lyme disease, just to be sure it really doesn't work. The tinnitus, the head pressure, the hand tremor and the neck pain are my most disturbing symptoms. I highly suspect I might have craniocervical instability as I have all the symptoms of it, I will have an online consultation with an expert in February.

A few weeks ago, my family pushed my to go for a job offer because they still think my main problem is depression and concentrating on something else will help it. The job has three 12-hour shifts a week which consist of mainly smaller operative tasks, so not so intellectual than my previous one. It might be interesting but I'm very afraid i won't manage to sit upright for 12+ hours on my worse days. If it's very bad, I will quit after a few weeks, i won't go into pointless suffering just because I'm dependent on my family and they want it.

On the postitive side, I am sleeping mostly okay now. It doesn't take so long to fall asleep as before and usually don't wake up until morning. I can even take a nap in the afternoon on some days. I still constantly have vivid dreams, but at least not straigt-up nightmares most of the time. I sterted playing video games a few months ago, first I completed the main story and side missions of GTA V, then got to about 70% in RDR2. My Christmas present to myself was Workers & Resources: Soviet Republic, a socialist planned economy themed logistics and city building game which is brilliant. It's actually the first thing in the last two years that can make me forget how bad I'm feeling and provides me something to do at home.

I think I'm in the mental state now to exhaust every option on my list that might cure or make me feel better in the next 1-1,5 years, and if nothing works, I will know CTB is my way.

 

[needthebus]

Have you had lab work done?

Have you tested your thyroid?

Have you had covid and could this be long covid?

Have you joined a Lyme support group? https://lyme.groups.io/g/Lyme

Join our Lyme disease support groups by and for people with Lyme disease.

On our Lyme disease support groups share your story, ask for help, find a doctor, share Lyme disease treatments and new advances in Lyme disease research.

www.lymedisease.org

There are successful people who do well despite having Lyme disease. Bella Hadid is just one example of someone who has done really well despite having Lyme disease. Although she looks like a model, she's not really the typical "pretty" model, but somehow manages to take these beautiful fascinating artistic pictures that are just more artistic and interesting than what most models do, and a lot of it is finding a way to keep working despite having Lyme disease. Sometimes she stops working for a bit and then goes back to working later. Maybe it's okay to do that with a chronic condition and you can still complete the program later? Keep fighting if you can. There are people with Lyme disease who do try to make it work. So sorry you feel awful.

I believe you.

 

[sickboy55]

Thank you. Of course I had lab works, nothing significant shows up. I had covid but long before my symtoms started. I'm in several online Lyme groups. I'll try herbal treatment next. This month two doctors came to the conclusion that I likely have cervical instability. I will try physiotherapy and prolotherapy for it, but chances are not so good.