Venting I’m unsure of suicide.

[favouriteworstolive]

Recently, a switch sort of flipped in my brain and I've been confused on how I feel.

I don't know how, but somehow, the thought of dying alone came to me recently and it sort of hit something in me and now my thought on suicide went from "This is the only way my life can go." to "Maybe things can change. maybe i can reach out." despite reaching out and asking for help is something i have denied myself for millions of reasons ever since before i even wanted to kill myself.

I hate this feeling. Suicide used to be a definite answer, and part of why i want to do it is because where my life is going, there is so much uncertainty and it terrifies me. Now suicide is an uncertainty in the sense of how much i'm willing to commit (lol).

it is frustrating. i'm debating of asking for help but it's more of a fantasy than something i will probably do. but it's something im thinking about, which is driving me away from suicide and it's actually pissing me off. i was gonna buy SN soon but with this whole dilemma i havent. i'm just. anxious. i don't know what to do.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

as painful as it is, if i were you, id probably listen to that doubt, suicide is permanent, but it is also always an option, it sounds like some part of you does want to seek help, so maybe give it a go, what do you have to lose? the option to exit is always there, you could give it one last shot, its not like a black and white thing where you must either live or die, it wont be easy if you choose to carry on, but you will have tried, maybe give it a go but treat it like a "testing period" analyse how you respond to help, whether it works, even a tiny bit, even if things get a little bit lighter, you just dont know until you try, if i were you, id give it one last shot (keeping in mind that you do not HAVE to carry on) more like a "decision postponed" than a "suicide is off the table" sort of thing if you get what i mean?

question what it is that you actually want from this help, is it something you can realistically get? if you got it, would you be satisfied enough with life to keep on living? examine your situation without committing to either position, just observe the facts of your life, and once you have done that, weigh them up, i think its normal to be somewhat ambivalent about suicide because its SUCH A BIG decision, although many people on here claim 100% certainty, i doubt the majority have that, because we are never really certain about anything in life, just see how it goes, and let yourself choose once you have more information (on whether the help actually "helps" or not)

 

[desiderium]

Suicide is a huge, irreversible decision. You can't take it back, and it's life-altering for others and life-ending for you. If you have a doubt, or a potential change of heart- listen to it.

Suicide will always be an option. If you're thinking about reaching out for help, I say give it a try. Best case scenario is that things really do get better. Things change. Hell, maybe you'll even find a way to be happy. If you reach out for help and you still feel the same, well.... suicide is still an option.

I'm not saying you should prolong your suffering by any means, or force yourself to continue living if its agonizing. But if a part of you wishes to seek help or try another path, I say go for it. Take the risk. Dive into that uncertainty and see how you come out the other side. If you were planning to die anyway, why not take one last risk before you do and seek help? Gamble with recovery, y'know? Maybe you'll win.

Either way, SN can be bought later. I know how frustrating it is to waver in your resolve when it comes to committing, as someone who's been there.

The choice is yours, of course. Autonomy is important. But maybe listen to that uncertainty and make a decision after you've tried it. Whatever you choose, there will be people to support you!

 

[literallynoone]

you can buy it at any point it's not going to go anywhere
try to reach out, death is permament there is no undo button
take care you can get through it

 

[favouriteworstolive]

Suicide is a huge, irreversible decision. You can't take it back, and it's life-altering for others and life-ending for you. If you have a doubt, or a potential change of heart- listen to it.

Suicide will always be an option. If you're thinking about reaching out for help, I say give it a try. Best case scenario is that things really do get better. Things change. Hell, maybe you'll even find a way to be happy. If you reach out for help and you still feel the same, well.... suicide is still an option.

I'm not saying you should prolong your suffering by any means, or force yourself to continue living if its agonizing. But if a part of you wishes to seek help or try another path, I say go for it. Take the risk. Dive into that uncertainty and see how you come out the other side. If you were planning to die anyway, why not take one last risk before you do and seek help? Gamble with recovery, y'know? Maybe you'll win.

Either way, SN can be bought later. I know how frustrating it is to waver in your resolve when it comes to committing, as someone who's been there.

The choice is yours, of course. Autonomy is important. But maybe listen to that uncertainty and make a decision after you've tried it. Whatever you choose, there will be people to support you!

you can buy it at any point it's not going to go anywhere
try to reach out, death is permament there is no undo button
take care you can get through it

thank you both <333

as painful as it is, if i were you, id probably listen to that doubt, suicide is permanent, but it is also always an option, it sounds like some part of you does want to seek help, so maybe give it a go, what do you have to lose? the option to exit is always there, you could give it one last shot, its not like a black and white thing where you must either live or die, it wont be easy if you choose to carry on, but you will have tried, maybe give it a go but treat it like a "testing period" analyse how you respond to help, whether it works, even a tiny bit, even if things get a little bit lighter, you just dont know until you try, if i were you, id give it one last shot (keeping in mind that you do not HAVE to carry on) more like a "decision postponed" than a "suicide is off the table" sort of thing if you get what i mean?

question what it is that you actually want from this help, is it something you can realistically get? if you got it, would you be satisfied enough with life to keep on living? examine your situation without committing to either position, just observe the facts of your life, and once you have done that, weigh them up, i think its normal to be somewhat ambivalent about suicide because its SUCH A BIG decision, although many people on here claim 100% certainty, i doubt the majority have that, because we are never really certain about anything in life, just see how it goes, and let yourself choose once you have more information (on whether the help actually "helps" or not)

thank you so so much

this sort of debate is super difficult for me, and for my entire life i've basically compared my suffering to the other people around me and my brain has this scale of "how mentally unwell am i?" as a sort of competition between me and everyone else in the world. and having that and the idea of reaching out for help is a huge internal conflict i'm having because i'm always fighting myself to prove to my brain my struggles are real, and if i get help i basically gaslight myself into "my issues were never real" which ik isn't true but. blah. i hate my brain. this advice helped tho <3

 

[desiderium]

thank you both <333


thank you so so much

this sort of debate is super difficult for me, and for my entire life i've basically compared my suffering to the other people around me and my brain has this scale of "how mentally unwell am i?" as a sort of competition between me and everyone else in the world. and having that and the idea of reaching out for help is a huge internal conflict i'm having because i'm always fighting myself to prove to my brain my struggles are real, and if i get help i basically gaslight myself into "my issues were never real" which ik isn't true but. blah. i hate my brain. this advice helped tho <3

I 100% understand how difficult it can be to struggle with 'comparison.' Is my trauma really as bad as everyone else's? Do I deserve help for my 'insignificant' issues when there are people who have it worse? I think the same thing. In fact, that's the biggest barrier between me and seeking help. Logically I know that comparison is futile, because.... there is always someone who has it worse. Always. It's a stupid thing to try and compete over. Logically I know that my trauma is valid, but logic isn't useful when it comes to feeling.

A few weeks ago, I had an experience with my therapist that was mind-boggling (in a good way). In the middle of my session, my therapist mentioned that she herself was getting help for her anxiety. As in, my therapist was also seeking help. I admit that I stared at her for a good couple of seconds in silence. Forever the asshole, I legit asked her 'why?' Here I was, forcibly in therapy for severe psychotic episodes, ptsd, self-harming tendencies, etc, and she was getting help for... anxiety? Just anxiety? She was actively getting help for just that??

She sensed my confusion and asked if 'she was unworthy of help.' I of course said no, of course not- she deserved help. Nobody should be miserable. I was even happy for her once the shock wore off.

It's just that simple. Nobody is unworthy or undeserving of help. Why should my therapist deny herself relief from her anxiety? Just because I'm struggling with 'more' than just anxiety?? That's such a stupid way of thinking, and I didn't realize how dumb it was until it literally hit me in the face. There is no mental health struggle that is too 'insignificant' when it comes to seeking help. Don't let your own misery fester because someone else, somewhere in the world, is suffering more than you. All that does is amplify the misery in the world overall.

 

[CopingWithSenility]

Recently, a switch sort of flipped in my brain and I've been confused on how I feel.

I don't know how, but somehow, the thought of dying alone came to me recently and it sort of hit something in me and now my thought on suicide went from "This is the only way my life can go." to "Maybe things can change. maybe i can reach out." despite reaching out and asking for help is something i have denied myself for millions of reasons ever since before i even wanted to kill myself.

I hate this feeling. Suicide used to be a definite answer, and part of why i want to do it is because where my life is going, there is so much uncertainty and it terrifies me. Now suicide is an uncertainty in the sense of how much i'm willing to commit (lol).

it is frustrating. i'm debating of asking for help but it's more of a fantasy than something i will probably do. but it's something im thinking about, which is driving me away from suicide and it's actually pissing me off. i was gonna buy SN soon but with this whole dilemma i havent. i'm just. anxious. i don't know what to do.

Death comes for us all, it's final. Don't commit unless you are ABSOLUTELY certain. Suicide is final and irreversible. You can always commit later if you're uncertain now, and seeking help is always a good idea, you won't lose anything if you'll be dead anyway. A nudge in the right direction could do wonders, even if it doesn't work for everyone. Please don't rush your death

 

[ctb_warrior]

Death comes for us all, it's final. Don't commit unless you are ABSOLUTELY certain. Suicide is final and irreversible. You can always commit later if you're uncertain now, and seeking help is always a good idea, you won't lose anything if you'll be dead anyway. A nudge in the right direction could do wonders, even if it doesn't work for everyone. Please don't rush your death

+1

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

Yeah, if you any doubts, I'd say wait. You can always catch the next bus.

 

[favouriteworstolive]

I 100% understand how difficult it can be to struggle with 'comparison.' Is my trauma really as bad as everyone else's? Do I deserve help for my 'insignificant' issues when there are people who have it worse? I think the same thing. In fact, that's the biggest barrier between me and seeking help. Logically I know that comparison is futile, because.... there is always someone who has it worse. Always. It's a stupid thing to try and compete over. Logically I know that my trauma is valid, but logic isn't useful when it comes to feeling.

A few weeks ago, I had an experience with my therapist that was mind-boggling (in a good way). In the middle of my session, my therapist mentioned that she herself was getting help for her anxiety. As in, my therapist was also seeking help. I admit that I stared at her for a good couple of seconds in silence. Forever the asshole, I legit asked her 'why?' Here I was, forcibly in therapy for severe psychotic episodes, ptsd, self-harming tendencies, etc, and she was getting help for... anxiety? Just anxiety? She was actively getting help for just that??

She sensed my confusion and asked if 'she was unworthy of help.' I of course said no, of course not- she deserved help. Nobody should be miserable. I was even happy for her once the shock wore off.

It's just that simple. Nobody is unworthy or undeserving of help. Why should my therapist deny herself relief from her anxiety? Just because I'm struggling with 'more' than just anxiety?? That's such a stupid way of thinking, and I didn't realize how dumb it was until it literally hit me in the face. There is no mental health struggle that is too 'insignificant' when it comes to seeking help. Don't let your own misery fester because someone else, somewhere in the world, is suffering more than you. All that does is amplify the misery in the world overall.

WOW YEAH. that does put things in perspective. thank you.

 

[rainhappy]

I think that if there are doubts, it's because part of us wants to hold on to life



For one reason or another—maybe a loved one, the hope for a better future…—there's something holding us back.



I'm not encouraging anyone to commit suicide; there's always a way out, and suicide is a final, brutal decision.



However, I don't condemn suicide; if it allows a person to stop suffering, then I simply hope that person is certain of their decision, and if so, I wish them nothing but happiness and eternal peace, no matter where that happiness may be found after their death .



So if you have any doubts, maybe there's still one thing—at least one—that makes you decide to keep living. A glimmer of hope, even just a tiny spark, can help you find yourself again and finally build a better life, whether you have help or not .



In any case, I simply hope that you'll find your answer and that your choice will be the best one for you .

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

I think that if there are doubts, it's because part of us wants to hold on to life



For one reason or another—maybe a loved one, the hope for a better future…—there's something holding us back.



I'm not encouraging anyone to commit suicide; there's always a way out, and suicide is a final, brutal decision.



However, I don't condemn suicide; if it allows a person to stop suffering, then I simply hope that person is certain of their decision, and if so, I wish them nothing but happiness and eternal peace, no matter where that happiness may be found after their death .



So if you have any doubts, maybe there's still one thing—at least one—that makes you decide to keep living. A glimmer of hope, even just a tiny spark, can help you find yourself again and finally build a better life, whether you have help or not .



In any case, I simply hope that you'll find your answer and that your choice will be the best one for you .

Yup. The trouble is, that hope is a real bitch when every other time you've hoped (and I mean in a major way; not"I hope they serve they serve Diet Coke at this restaurant"), you've failed and you don't have all that many years of life left. When you've spent most of your past years in physical and emotional pain. You get the glimmer of hope. You feel like you again. And then something stomps on it again. And again and again.

I was hated by others in grade school. Shoved down stairs. Pushed into mud puddles. Knocked off playground equipment. Mocked for everything from the way I looked and dressed to the fact that I was nice to people. (WTF??)

Relationships? A series of failures.

Career? Can't hold a job until now I'm too old and no one wants to hire me. Finally got a job through a friend mopping floors in a hotel and the boss took such a hatred to me that, when I came inside from cleaning outdoors in the rain, she locked me in a room with the air conditioner blasting. (That probably would have been the end of me if a coworker hadn't smashed the AC unit and shut it off. I eventually got fired for working TOO MUCH. WTF gets fired for working TOO MUCH?

My life is already over. I'm just waiting to die. People die of accidental overdoses all the time, but I can't from an intentional overdose. A beloved celebrity dies and I'm jealous. I think, why couldn't that have been me? At least they were giving something to the world.

And yet I do have this glimmer of hope that something, somehow is going to change, when decades of evidence has proven it won't and it never will. Does anyone wake up miraculously loving life when they're 70?? And that would suck because then you're pretty close to dying of natural causes, having wasted the entire life you had.

But that glimmer of hope (maybe it's SI, but I don't think so, I think it is a glimmer of hope) that somehow I've paid the price already and I deserve to experience some happiness. Yet I have zero evidence I ever will.