Stroopwafel.
Meow
- Jan 14, 2020
- 109
I'm in here voluntary, it's a good hospital. The first good one I've been to in many years. I wanna try, but I also wanna die so bad.
It's just that I don't feel any better since I'm here (which is over 5 months now) and the voices in my head keeps telling me I can't do it, things won't get better anyway, I will never feel better, being dead is a better option. Especially the last 1.5 weeks are horrible. I've never felt so suicidal ever before? Like, it's in my head 24/7, (I feel like even when I did actual attempts, I felt less suicidal than now, idk) whatever I do I can't find any distraction, there's just this voice in my head, screaming louder every day.
I wanna plan my dead SO bad. I want the suffering to stop. I still feel so bad and I'm not sure if that will ever change. If this hospital stay doesn't change that, I honestly have no other option than to commit suicide. There nothing else I can try next or go to next. I'm in the most (and only) specialized hospital in the country for my condition. It just doesn't work and the thought of feeling like this forever, no thanks. Don't want that.
Really trying not to plan my suicide, to order stuff, to make a plan, to set a date (like, I really want to make an agreement with myself: so much longer you can try, if it doesn't work it's been long enough after all those years and it's okay to leave this planet)
Also there's only so much uncertainty about what happens to me and where I go after this treatment. I can't go back home, but I (once again) keep hitting the wall in this system we live in, I don't know where I can go. We are working on it, but it's been going on for months (actually many years when you count the years at home as well), and I still don't get answers. I have to leave here in about 4 months, and when things aren't fixed by than, I'll literally be on the streets.
I hate life so much. Should I just end it? Should I give it a try, at least these other 4 months I'm in here? If so, how am I gonna do that with these loud voices in my head? Idk. My therapists don't understand a fuck of what's going on in my head or how I feel.
It's just that I don't feel any better since I'm here (which is over 5 months now) and the voices in my head keeps telling me I can't do it, things won't get better anyway, I will never feel better, being dead is a better option. Especially the last 1.5 weeks are horrible. I've never felt so suicidal ever before? Like, it's in my head 24/7, (I feel like even when I did actual attempts, I felt less suicidal than now, idk) whatever I do I can't find any distraction, there's just this voice in my head, screaming louder every day.
I wanna plan my dead SO bad. I want the suffering to stop. I still feel so bad and I'm not sure if that will ever change. If this hospital stay doesn't change that, I honestly have no other option than to commit suicide. There nothing else I can try next or go to next. I'm in the most (and only) specialized hospital in the country for my condition. It just doesn't work and the thought of feeling like this forever, no thanks. Don't want that.
Really trying not to plan my suicide, to order stuff, to make a plan, to set a date (like, I really want to make an agreement with myself: so much longer you can try, if it doesn't work it's been long enough after all those years and it's okay to leave this planet)
Also there's only so much uncertainty about what happens to me and where I go after this treatment. I can't go back home, but I (once again) keep hitting the wall in this system we live in, I don't know where I can go. We are working on it, but it's been going on for months (actually many years when you count the years at home as well), and I still don't get answers. I have to leave here in about 4 months, and when things aren't fixed by than, I'll literally be on the streets.
I hate life so much. Should I just end it? Should I give it a try, at least these other 4 months I'm in here? If so, how am I gonna do that with these loud voices in my head? Idk. My therapists don't understand a fuck of what's going on in my head or how I feel.
