I'm too stupid for this world and I just want to die

[Anomaly_death48]

I'm tired. I gave myself a false hope that everything will be better. But that truth was it is difficult to get out on the cycle of isolation and a disconnection with myself, my family, and my peers. Over the time, I always destroy all of the personal relationships that I've build. I was a self-interest and self sabotaging prick. I could never maintain a permanent friends or be likable in general. I matter how easy for me to relationship I could never maintain them. They consistently end after a year and the common denominator is me. I am the only toxic person in the life. I lied, I over promise when I'm happy or when I'm emotional. I don't know how fo handle personal conflicts. I'm a joke because I enrolled a college program that focus on mental health yet my life is falling apart. I'm a fool, I'm an idiot for selfishly thinking that would fix me. I'm s fool because I lasted on this program without any improvement. I'm s hypocrite and I don't feel comfortable yet I have no choice because I didn't think enough and only act impulsively. I lost so much because I only focused on what I was missing. I am a fake friend because I fake my interest on enjoying bl genres,battle games and even animes or whatever is popular to my ex-friends. I fake because I was desperate to have a circle who cares. But I got tired of pretending and everything fell apart. I am a bad person because I take advantage their kindness, I gave them false hope that everything will be piece back when I know I mentally check out. I ghosted many of them because I can't handle conflicts and definitely a coward. I am stupid because I couldn't remember what I learned from the past. My teacher from senior high was correct I don't remember what I learn from the past. I am prideful and arrogant because deep inside I think I am better than everyone. Despite proving time and time again that they are better than me. I am scared to be an adult and I felt like I'm stuck being a mentally retarded petulant child. I become toxic and overly dependent over around me. I'm disgusted of myself inside and outside because I am unorganized, unfunny, lack of self-compassion and self-love. When the glimmer dies death is only on my mind.

 

[timf]

You might want to investigate to see if something like bipolar 2 is at work. If one can be charming enough to make friends and then swing the opposite way and lose them, it might indicate this sort of dynamic.

Some have found some degree of control with supplements like the Omega 3 in fish oil or with Lithium Orotate.

Research and experimentation might help you discover options.