Venting I'm struggling to believe it'll actually get better.

[LonelyTurkey]

I always tell myself that it'll get better. In highschool "once I graduate highschool I'll feel better because I won't be so isolated and I can make friends in college." In college "It's okay if I didn't make friends this semester, there's always next." but that next semester never came. I graduated college with the same feels I had in highschool. Now I got a job that I mostly enjoy but I still feel so isolated. The people I work with are nice and mostly inclusive but I still feel so isolated, I feel isolated in my family too.

I've been thinking and realized that I have always felt lonely and depressed. When I was a child I just didn't understand why I felt the way I did, now I'm 25 and feel like I'm activly sabatoging my future.

Really the only thing that brings me any enjoyment anymore is watching anime. I just sit in my room, watching anime and feeling sorry for myself anytime I'm not watching anime.

I've noticed that I have started to develope this incel thought process. I don't even participate in those communities, but now all I can think of when I see a woman is how easy it is for them to find a partner, how it's acceptable for them to feel and express emotions, how they have deep connection with their friends and a sense of community that I will never have. Maybe these thoughts are because I was brougt up by a single abusive mom, I don't know, but I hate them.

I don't see how this can ever get better, it's only getting worse. How am I supposed to talk to a therpist about this? They will just think I'm trash, because I am trash. I hate the world I was born into and wish I never had to experience it. I just hate everything so much.

I don't ctb because I am too scared too and still hold out hope that somehow things will get better. I just don't see that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm starting to feel to tired that I don't even care about trying to get better, I just want it all to stop.

 

[nux_walpurgis]

I am a woman and I have no friends, no partner, no social life. I get you. At least you have a job and that is so great really, being able to fend for yourself when in a depressive/bad mental state is an achievement in my book.

I suggest you give a therapist a try if that's what you want or have been thinking about it. I had my reserves too, but I tried it and it's nice to be able to talk. A good therapist will not judje you, they will be understanding and kind and interested in your worlview. It may not cure you or do miracles but they can help you see things from a different perspective. I know it has been helpful for me. And this comes from someone who in the past had sworn to never visit a therapist because I thought it would be a waste of time and money and completely useless. But it has helped.

Try it if you want/can.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

I had so many bad experiences with therapists…and I'm now giving another try and had my first session last week… I was so honest and told about my thoughts about ctb, isolation and failures… a little about the abusive home I grew up… and she didn't judge me, just had empathy for me… im starting this week a little better, because it made me see a things my feelings in another perspective… hope you find a good professional and give it a try :)